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Post by sid snott on Apr 14, 2023 8:24:12 GMT -5
Day 2 Cyder Cup match 8 better balls Les and Carol for the Mercs came out the clubhouse first to the large crowd followed by Leon and David S for the Arses. As they made their way to the first tee, the crowd started move apart holding their noses to try and stop the smell as Scary Mary walked through the crowd. Carol said unlucky boys, I'm safe. Les went and hid behind Carol. Sorry Carol, she swings both ways, but Scary had eyes for David, who being a Scot was wearing a kilt. She walked up to he and asked is it true what they say about Scots men. David decided to ignore her and start playing golf, Leon went and got a tinnie from his bag . The Arses won the match 3 & 2 mainly because Les spent most of time hiding behind Carol. Back in the bar, Ross the Mercs came up and yelled WHAT THE F YOU BRING HER ALONG FOR. We've lost two matches because of her. I didn't, the last I heard she had moved in with Snow White and those seven fellas. At least it gave Snow White a rest. OK just a quick update on really happened David S disguised himself as David H portred to hopefully avoid Scary Mary, this didn't really work as wearing a kilt was a dead give away. To make things fair David H then played around with himself. He obviously must of seen Scary as he had a few wonky shots which made the match all square
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Post by IGolfBad on Apr 14, 2023 8:44:49 GMT -5
Press Pool Disclaimer (copied from the first page post that wasn’t written): The content contained in Cyder Cup recaps are purely fictional accounts written by only the the worst idiots assembled. The administration is not responsible for errors in fact or fiction, and any resemblance to individuals and events, real or otherwise, would truly be a mistake. I have a very strict recruiting process, far more complex than any of your simple minds could comprehend, but it involves taking the first 8 blokes who stepped up and answered the call. Very complex. None of your pea-brains could begin to grasp the complexity. Hell, even I have no idea how it works. As head of the Press Pool, I am forced to make difficult decisions every day, nay, every minute. Decisions that aren’t always popular, yet in the end, are in the best interests of the Brew Crew. Yes, lives will be lost along the way, but that’s not important. There is only one thing that is. Deadlines. See, we need to meet deadlines, regardless of the cost. So at the expense of facts, without regard for truth, and recklessly abandoning integrity, we meet those deadlines so the general public can have at their disposal completely fabricated outcomes that have no bearing on reality. After careful consideration of what can only be called David-Gate, and on behalf of the entire administrative staff who are too drunk to participate in this mid-event crisis, I have rendered a fair and just solution. Henceforth, David Herron portred shall now be called Shirley Herron. My thanks to all of our gentle readers for handling this matter with nothing but grace and dignity. ALL of our gentle readers.
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Post by Harveydog500 on Apr 14, 2023 9:48:59 GMT -5
Press Pool Disclaimer (copied from the first page post that wasn’t written): The content contained in Cyder Cup recaps are purely fictional accounts written by only the the worst idiots assembled. The administration is not responsible for errors in fact or fiction, and any resemblance to individuals and events, real or otherwise, would truly be a mistake. I have a very strict recruiting process, far more complex than any of your simple minds could comprehend, but it involves taking the first 8 blokes who stepped up and answered the call. Very complex. None of your pea-brains could begin to grasp the complexity. Hell, even I have no idea how it works. As head of the Press Pool, I am forced to make difficult decisions every day, nay, every minute. Decisions that aren’t always popular, yet in the end, are in the best interests of the Brew Crew. Yes, lives will be lost along the way, but that’s not important. There is only one thing that is. Deadlines. See, we need to meet deadlines, regardless of the cost. So at the expense of facts, without regard for truth, and recklessly abandoning integrity, we meet those deadlines so the general public can have at their disposal completely fabricated outcomes that have no bearing on reality. After careful consideration of what can only be called David-Gate, and on behalf of the entire administrative staff who are too drunk to participate in this mid-event crisis, I have rendered a fair and just solution. Henceforth, David Herron portred shall now be called Shirley Herron. My thanks to all of our gentle readers for handling this matter with nothing but grace and dignity. ALL of our gentle readers.
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Post by TimB on Apr 14, 2023 9:55:47 GMT -5
Press Pool Disclaimer (copied from the first page post that wasn’t written): The content contained in Cyder Cup recaps are purely fictional accounts written by only the the worst idiots assembled. The administration is not responsible for errors in fact or fiction, and any resemblance to individuals and events, real or otherwise, would truly be a mistake. I have a very strict recruiting process, far more complex than any of your simple minds could comprehend, but it involves taking the first 8 blokes who stepped up and answered the call. Very complex. None of your pea-brains could begin to grasp the complexity. Hell, even I have no idea how it works. As head of the Press Pool, I am forced to make difficult decisions every day, nay, every minute. Decisions that aren’t always popular, yet in the end, are in the best interests of the Brew Crew. Yes, lives will be lost along the way, but that’s not important. There is only one thing that is. Deadlines. See, we need to meet deadlines, regardless of the cost. So at the expense of facts, without regard for truth, and recklessly abandoning integrity, we meet those deadlines so the general public can have at their disposal completely fabricated outcomes that have no bearing on reality. After careful consideration of what can only be called David-Gate, and on behalf of the entire administrative staff who are too drunk to participate in this mid-event crisis, I have rendered a fair and just solution. Henceforth, David Herron portred shall now be called Shirley Herron. My thanks to all of our gentle readers for handling this matter with nothing but grace and dignity. ALL of our gentle readers. Just like the ups and downs of me on the leader board. I started reading that thinking. Thank Christ, he is canning me. Then the further I read the reality sunk in.
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Post by SkyBlueBen on Apr 14, 2023 10:11:35 GMT -5
Day 4Round to be played by 23.59 BST Saturday but in the interests of the flow of the tournament would appreciate as soon as possible.
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Post by inflames47 on Apr 14, 2023 10:31:53 GMT -5
Is the spreadsheet offline for any particular reason?
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Post by SkyBlueBen on Apr 14, 2023 10:33:51 GMT -5
Is the spreadsheet offline for any particular reason? Back on now Carol. Just taking over from Art for the remainder of the competition.
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Post by Pen Knight on Apr 14, 2023 10:50:00 GMT -5
The gossip around the club house is that Scary Mary sent Paul a message just before he started typing that she had just finished her 7 day shift inside the mine and that she was absolutely famished and she was going to pop over for a quick bite. Unclear at this stage on whether Paul was in a hurry to flee or floss What about Snow White? Where the F--- was Snow White when all this was happening?? She sleeping again??
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Post by Pen Knight on Apr 14, 2023 10:51:01 GMT -5
Day 2 Cyder Cup match 8 better balls Les and Carol for the Mercs came out the clubhouse first to the large crowd followed by Leon and David S for the Arses. As they made their way to the first tee, the crowd started move apart holding their noses to try and stop the smell as Scary Mary walked through the crowd. Carol said unlucky boys, I'm safe. Les went and hid behind Carol. Sorry Carol, she swings both ways, but Scary had eyes for David, who being a Scot was wearing a kilt. She walked up to he and asked is it true what they say about Scots men. David decided to ignore her and start playing golf, Leon went and got a tinnie from his bag . The Arses won the match 3 & 2 mainly because Les spent most of time hiding behind Carol. Back in the bar, Ross the Mercs came up and yelled WHAT THE F YOU BRING HER ALONG FOR. We've lost two matches because of her. I didn't, the last I heard she had moved in with Snow White and those seven fellas. At least it gave Snow White a rest. As the scorekeeper for the Cup I want to apologize for the scoring snafu. David Herron reported his scores to me correctly but I input them incorrectly. The scores have been corrected with the only difference being that match 8 finished AS instead of the result reported here. The competition currently stands at Mercury 7.5 Aspall 8.5. Again my apologies for the misinformation. Onward. Don't Fret. Fake Golf Afterall. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs is what's most important.
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Post by bubbsboy100. on Apr 14, 2023 14:38:07 GMT -5
Cider Cup Day 3 Singles. Hi , I'm Mitch Williamson and today on WTF sports we have day 3 of the Cider Cup from the glorious Jacguard Causeway in downtown Jacguardsville. The match we will be concentrating on first is a clash of the tight ones titans involving for the Messengers, the beautiful Michael "bono" Bonocore And for the ass assins , the Greek God Leon " big hands" Anderson. There's no time to waste so we'll head right over to our reporter Bubba Young. "How ya hanging Bubba" "Past my knees still Mitch " "No Bubba, like I'm meaning how you doing" "Ahhh, sorry Mitch , yeah I'm hanging real cool dude" " Ok Bubba , how you think this match between Bono and big hands will play out " "sh%$! I'm at the wrong game again , awwww ffs, be at the tee soon as I can Mitch. Just fill in with some of your bulllshit and ill be quick as i can." " Ok Bubba, we cut to adverts. You there yet you f...ing goofball" " I am Mitch, oooooo boy am sweating like a fat lass in a disco but ready to roll" Hiiiii folks you join me at the tee where both players are getting some last minute advice and neck ons from their captains . Sean is in a nice blue cardigan but not a clue WTF Ross is wearing. Its red is all I can say but we'll try to get a shot of him later. Both tee shots are away and join me later for my report as I'm off for a burger at the van seems Mark has barred me from the reporters refreshment tent. 5 hrs pass.... " Hi Bubba, so howd it go buddy" Ohhh what a match we just had Mitch baby. Bonocore went off to an early 1 up lead when Anderson sliced his second at the 1st straight through the clubhouse window . He did the same at the 3rd and weirdly it was the same clubhouse window . So Bonocore was 2 up after 3. A few halved holes on the front 9 and Bonocore and the messengers were 1 up. Then the match turned. Anderson went off for a piss to the toilet and seemed to get a peck on the cheek by a fan dressed as snow white , whatever she did or said worked as Aces after Aces followed thereafter leaving the messenger Bonocore 2 down with 3 to play. By now Assassins captain Sean was laughing so much he pissed almost wet himself leaving Messenger Captain Ross so angry his head was the colour of his weird clobber. But...... Bono in the name of love searched out that snow white woman as big hands Anderson waited on the tee . Bono returned with what looked like a baguette down his pants, he pointed at captain Sean and said " we gonna do you blue boy". Captain Sean replied " hahaha, I doubt it french stick c..ck, its ours I tell ya" Then it happened. 2 Aces on the par 6s from Bonocore levelled the match . The blues were down, Sean was beating the earth , whilst Captain Ross took it upon himself to ridicule Anderson . With one hole to play the 2 players and captains said collectively " ahhh bollox, call it a draw . Now wheres that snow white bint. All Square. Art Vandelay Bogey Bonocore Loftyando
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Post by Bogey Bonocore on Apr 14, 2023 15:58:34 GMT -5
Cider Cup Day 3 Singles. Hi , I'm Mitch Williamson and today on WTF sports we have day 3 of the Cider Cup from the glorious Jacguard Causeway in downtown Jacguardsville. The match we will be concentrating on first is a clash of the tight ones titans involving for the Messengers, the beautiful Michael "bono" Bonocore And for the ass assins , the Greek God Leon " big hands" Anderson. There's no time to waste so we'll head right over to our reporter Bubba Young. "How ya hanging Bubba" "Past my knees still Mitch " "No Bubba, like I'm meaning how you doing" "Ahhh, sorry Mitch , yeah I'm hanging real cool dude" " Ok Bubba , how you think this match between Bono and big hands will play out " "sh%$! I'm at the wrong game again , awwww ffs, be at the tee soon as I can Mitch. Just fill in with some of your bulllshit and ill be quick as i can." " Ok Bubba, we cut to adverts. You there yet you f...ing goofball" " I am Mitch, oooooo boy am sweating like a fat lass in a disco but ready to roll" Hiiiii folks you join me at the tee where both players are getting some last minute advice and neck ons from their captains . Sean is in a nice blue cardigan but not a clue WTF Ross is wearing. Its red is all I can say but we'll try to get a shot of him later. Both tee shots are away and join me later for my report as I'm off for a burger at the van seems Mark has barred me from the reporters refreshment tent. 5 hrs pass.... " Hi Bubba, so howd it go buddy" Ohhh what a match we just had Mitch baby. Bonocore went off to an early 1 up lead when Anderson sliced his second at the 1st straight through the clubhouse window . He did the same at the 3rd and weirdly it was the same clubhouse window . So Bonocore was 2 up after 3. A few halved holes on the front 9 and Bonocore and the messengers were 1 up. Then the match turned. Anderson went off for a piss to the toilet and seemed to get a peck on the cheek by a fan dressed as snow white , whatever she did or said worked as Aces after Aces followed thereafter leaving the messenger Bonocore 2 down with 3 to play. By now Assassins captain Sean was laughing so much he pissed almost wet himself leaving Messenger Captain Ross so angry his head was the colour of his weird clobber. But...... Bono in the name of love searched out that snow white woman as big hands Anderson waited on the tee . Bono returned with what looked like a baguette down his pants, he pointed at captain Sean and said " we gonna do you blue boy". Captain Sean replied " hahaha, I doubt it french stick c..ck, its ours I tell ya" Then it happened. 2 Aces on the par 6s from Bonocore levelled the match . The blues were down, Sean was beating the earth , whilst Captain Ross took it upon himself to ridicule Anderson . With one hole to play the 2 players and captains said collectively " ahhh bollox, call it a draw . Now wheres that snow white bint. All Square. Art Vandelay Bogey Bonocore Loftyando I luckily didn't see this scorecard yet, so I was hanging on every word wondering if I could pull the rug out from under Loftyando. Sadly I couldn't get it done, but damn, I tried! Fantastic playing Leon. What a match!
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Post by asyoudo64 on Apr 14, 2023 16:08:11 GMT -5
Cider Cup Day 3 Singles. Hi , I'm Mitch Williamson and today on WTF sports we have day 3 of the Cider Cup from the glorious Jacguard Causeway in downtown Jacguardsville. The match we will be concentrating on first is a clash of the tight ones titans involving for the Messengers, the beautiful Michael "bono" Bonocore And for the ass assins , the Greek God Leon " big hands" Anderson. There's no time to waste so we'll head right over to our reporter Bubba Young. "How ya hanging Bubba" "Past my knees still Mitch " "No Bubba, like I'm meaning how you doing" "Ahhh, sorry Mitch , yeah I'm hanging real cool dude" " Ok Bubba , how you think this match between Bono and big hands will play out " "sh%$! I'm at the wrong game again , awwww ffs, be at the tee soon as I can Mitch. Just fill in with some of your bulllshit and ill be quick as i can." " Ok Bubba, we cut to adverts. You there yet you f...ing goofball" " I am Mitch, oooooo boy am sweating like a fat lass in a disco but ready to roll" Hiiiii folks you join me at the tee where both players are getting some last minute advice and neck ons from their captains . Sean is in a nice blue cardigan but not a clue WTF Ross is wearing. Its red is all I can say but we'll try to get a shot of him later. Both tee shots are away and join me later for my report as I'm off for a burger at the van seems Mark has barred me from the reporters refreshment tent. 5 hrs pass.... " Hi Bubba, so howd it go buddy" Ohhh what a match we just had Mitch baby. Bonocore went off to an early 1 up lead when Anderson sliced his second at the 1st straight through the clubhouse window . He did the same at the 3rd and weirdly it was the same clubhouse window . So Bonocore was 2 up after 3. A few halved holes on the front 9 and Bonocore and the messengers were 1 up. Then the match turned. Anderson went off for a piss to the toilet and seemed to get a peck on the cheek by a fan dressed as snow white , whatever she did or said worked as Aces after Aces followed thereafter leaving the messenger Bonocore 2 down with 3 to play. By now Assassins captain Sean was laughing so much he pissed almost wet himself leaving Messenger Captain Ross so angry his head was the colour of his weird clobber. But...... Bono in the name of love searched out that snow white woman as big hands Anderson waited on the tee . Bono returned with what looked like a baguette down his pants, he pointed at captain Sean and said " we gonna do you blue boy". Captain Sean replied " hahaha, I doubt it french stick c..ck, its ours I tell ya" Then it happened. 2 Aces on the par 6s from Bonocore levelled the match . The blues were down, Sean was beating the earth , whilst Captain Ross took it upon himself to ridicule Anderson . With one hole to play the 2 players and captains said collectively " ahhh bollox, call it a draw . Now wheres that snow white bint. All Square. Art Vandelay Bogey Bonocore Loftyando Great match and fantastic reporting. A half is a fair result. Mercury Messengers 4thisweek 🥃
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Post by sid snott on Apr 14, 2023 17:08:50 GMT -5
Day 3 Cyder Cup match 3 This match sees Assassin Mark L vs Messenger Justin. Mark had tried to get the match played early in the morning in the hope that Scary Mary would still be in bed , anyone else's bed ,just not his. Justin not knowing about Scary walked out of the clubhouse without a care in the world. Mark was using mirrors to see if Mary was out there. The mirrors hadn't broke, so he figured it was safe to venture out to the first tee . Mark's grew more confident as he won 2 of the first 5 holes to Justin's none. Then it happened on the sixth hole, the sky went dark wolves howled in the distance, and she was Scary Mary looking like Jabba the Hutte in a tight dress showing all the wrong curves. Mark stammered, what you doing here. I hear there's new meat in the Brew Crew and I've come to try it Mary replied. Don't you mean men said Justin. I know what I meant retorted Mary and you could be the first, Justin faded into the crowd for safety. Then some clown in the crowd said Hey! Mark, maybe she wants some of your Dickens Cider. Yes I would have some said Mary. Then Mark was violently sick, that was a waste of a good breakfast. I shouldn't of said that, but there again Mark did trick me into marriage with it. Then tournament directors Art and Ben turned up with several security guards to remove Scary. They ended up getting a forklift to move her as 5 of them couldn't lift her. After this Justin won the sixth hole and was able to take the match 4 & 2 for the Messengers What about Snow White I hear someone ask. She having a week off leaving the Seven dwarfs to do their own thing. Seven dwarfs, seven days, poor girl. So what are the dwarfs up too. They were all feeling Happy apart from Sneezy because they thought he had covid, Happy was not feeling happy, he was feeling Gumpy.
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Post by deathstar on Apr 14, 2023 17:31:27 GMT -5
Is the spreadsheet offline for any particular reason? My god you are so impatient dear, calm down it will all be there shortly showing that we are killing your arse
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Post by Pen Knight on Apr 14, 2023 17:34:10 GMT -5
After the massacre, on Day Two, things started to get more serious. The moon was full on the eve of the third round. At the players dinner, Mark Buenger sat in Ernie Copage's chair. Ernie was a good sport and sat further down the table. All seemed well, but Mark kept razing the rookie. Hazing a rookie is tradition at the Cyder Cup, but things went a bit too far and Mr. Copage felt disrespected. He demanded satisfaction! These two professional pixel golfers were teeing off against each other at high noon, and match play was the format. Mark sat back in his chair, which was supposed to be Ernie's, and thought for a moment. He said, You want satisfaction? You shall have satisfaction. Not only will we be playing match play tomorrow, but we shall take it a step further and make it a duel to the death! This was exactly what Ernie had in mind; however, he was hoping for pistols at dawn or sabers as he had been a master swordsman since the age of 12. Pen Knight hurried along and printed up the flyers. As a former hustler, he thought that he should make a few bucks off the hoopla. Everyone loves a bloodbath. None of the golfers got good rest that evening. Many of them took sides but didn't want to get involved directly. This was between Mark and Ernie, and it was going to stay that way. The course was jam-packed by 8 a.m. that morning. Nobody on either team ate breakfast together. By eleven in the morning, both golfers had made their way to the driving range, surrounded by their teammates that would play in round four. Ernie was hooking his shots, and Mark was slicing. Neither golfer looked comfortable. Pen Knight continued to sell tickets, making money hand over fist. Mark left the range first and stopped off at the bar for a shot of courage. Ernie had a pint hidden in his bag and took a swig. Both golfers were on the first tee by 11:57. Their names were announced at twelve on the dot, and Mark had the honors. Neither golfer looked at the other. You could cut the tension with a knife. Hole 1: Mark hit a beauty right down the middle. Ernie took his time and waggled more than usual. Someone sneezed in the middle of his backswing, and he shanked it into the trees on the left side. Ernie punched it out but was still 80 yards short of the green. Mark hit a beauty that stopped 4 feet from the cup. Ernie took another swig before he took his shot. He got unlucky as his ball hit the pin and bounced 32 feet away from the cup. The two golfers and caddies stayed as far away from each other as possible. Ernie lined up his putt and drained it for par, but that wasn't good enough as Mark tapped in for bird. Advantage to Mark the Assassin. Hole 2: Mark looked good and hit his ball right next to the hole. The pressure mounted against Ernie, and he shanked it. He took another swig and shanked his second shot. He hacked his way up to the green and made bogey. Mark, the stone-cold assassin, tapped it in again for bird. Two holes to Love in favor of the Assassins. Hole 3: Mark had the honors and crushed his tee shot once again. Ernie looked different. More confident and he smashed his ball 20 yards past Marks. Mark duffed his second shot this time and the crowed laughed. Ernie didn't pay attention and hit the green, but his putt would be difficult. Mark hit the bunker. Ernie had the advantage. Mark nearly holed out the wedge for par but would have to settle for bogey. Ernie two-putted his way to par. Assassins lose one back but lead by one. Hole 4: The first par 5 and both golfers were chomping at the bit. Unfortunately, they both played poorly and would have to settle for par. Mark still leads: 1 up. Hole 5: Mark had been guzzling down beers when nobody was looking, and he decided to relieve himself against a tree. Mark stumbled his way to a bogey on this par 4 and Ernie made par. Par was good enough and the match was all square. Holes 6 & 7: More drinking from both golfers and safe play. They both birded 6 and made par at 7. After seven holes Mark had blown a 2-0 lead and the match was dead even. (No Pun Intended) Hole 8: Pen Knight was still barking at the entrance, selling tickets and raking in the dough. The crowd was increasing, and anticipation was at an all-time high. Which one of these golfers would make it out alive? No time for pondering as Ernie had the honors. A difficult par three but Ernie would make par and Mark would make another Bonocore. The pressure seemed to be getting to him. Ernie has come back from 2 down and now leads by 1. Hole 9: Ernie hit it in the fairway, but he would have a difficult second shot as a tree was in his way. Mark hit a beauty. Ernie couldn't get close to the pin and Mark took advantage. Birdie for Mark and Par for Ernie. At the turn we are no better than when we started. Pen Knight has tripled the price of admission and the crowd keeps growing. Hole 10: Both golfers played it safe on this long par 5. Ernie had a 12-foot Eagle Putt but lipped out and you could hear the crowd groan a mile away. Mark tied Ernie with a bird of his own. Eight holes left and nobody had the lead. Hole 11: Mark had the honors and Ernie looked buzzed. Ernie shanked it into the woods, once again and Mark didn't waver. Mark pared the hole and Ernie made Double. Mark takes back the lead and the Assassins are up by one. Hole 12: Mark wasn't hiding his beer anymore and drank while making par. Ernie got his composure back and tied the hole. Mark still up by one. Hole 13: Cursed par 3 and millions of balls have been shot over the cliff and given a watery grave. Both golfers hit safe shots into the middle of the green and made par. Running out of holes and Mark the Assassin leads by one. Hole 14: Before Mark tees off, he needles Ernie about the scoreboard. Ernie gets red in the face but doesn't say a word. The needle works and Ernie make bogey while Mark pars. Mark leads 2 UP and the noose is tightening around Ernie's neck. Hole 15: The crowd is at maximum capacity and Pen Knight gives all the dough to Art. One thing Art knows how to do is to wash money clean. He takes the all the cash to his corprote offices and has his accountants bury it without cooking the books. In the meantime, both golfers make par and Mark is a 97% favorite to win. Still up by two holes. Hole 16: Feeling the pressure, Mark has an unlucky drive into the heavy rough. Ernie calms himself and hits it straight down the middle. Mark hits his second shot into the front greenside bunker. Ernie hits a dagger right next to the hole. Mark has trouble out of the bunker and makes bogey. Ernie taps in for bird and cuts the lead in half. Mark still leads by one with two to play. Hole 17: Another par 3 and Ernie just misses an Ace. The pressure is on Mark, but he doesn't notice and hits his shot within 3 feet. They both tap in for bird and Mark has the advantage. Hole 18: Pen Knight and the Brew Crew show up with the Local and State Police. Behind them is the National Guard and Armed Forces. About 400 armed men and women. The crowd is massive but not willing to die for entertainment. Nobody says a word. Mark apologizes to Ernie and Ernie accepts. They shake hands and both take a swig from Ernie's pint of whiskey. The crowd erupts in applause as both golfers get ready to tee off. Ernie has a 12-footer for bird to halve the match, but he misses. Both golfers make par. Mark the Assassin wins the match, 1 UP but nobody dies. Art Vandelay shows up as Ernie and Mark are walking to the bar arm and arm. Art Vandelay gives Pen Knight a nod. Some say they made over a million dollars on this Death Match Play Hustle.
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