CYDER CUP VIII
Day 2 - Pairs - Better Ball Matchplay:
Kevin Everard & Paul Davies (Messengers) v Leon Anderson & Ken Wise (Assassins)
Disclaimers:
This is one of my longer, novella style reports and I am not responsible if you fall asleep.
Any resemblance to reality or other works of fiction is probably purely coincidental.
[Editor’s Comment - I’m letting you report on your own match, Ken. Don’t make me regret it!]
THE BODY IN THE BUNKER
Prologue
Hello dear reader. When I am writing a match report involving myself, there are lots of ways to mess with reality. Maybe I could invent a way of time travelling to be able watch myself play. Maybe I could pretend to be in an alternate universe controlling my player. Maybe I could repeat the same day over and over again until I get the result I want. They are all a bit unrealistic and I feel like they have been done before. So I’m just going to tell this one like it happened. By the end we’ll have a dead body, a murderer will be locked up and a match result will be known. Let’s start at the beginning …
Chapter One
Kevin, Paul, Leon and I are in the Green room waiting to be announced onto the tee. Green room is a silly name for it on a golf course when nearly everything else is green and parts of the course are called greens. Maybe Blue room or Red room would be better but then one side or another would complain. I digress. Princess Fiona announces our entrance.
[Fiona] My name is Princess Fiona and I want to welcome you to Day Two of Cyder Cup VIII, sponsored by Dickens Cyder. First up for the Messengers is Kevin “upandupandupandup” Everard. If he lives up to his name, he can play in my swamp whenever he wants. His teammate is the Welsh wizard, Paul “the taffman” Davies.
Kevin and Paul tee off.
[Fiona] And now for the Assassins, here are the Aussie duo of Leon “The Tiger” Anderson and the gorgeous, ripped and clever specimen that is Ken Wise.
[Editor’s Comment - Did she really say this, Ken?]
[Response to Editor - Mark, of course she did. When does the Press Pool ever make stuff up?]
Leon and I tee off.
Chapter Two
I’m not going to elaborate too much on the first eleven holes, but it was a close, evenly balanced match. The 1st was halved. Kevin won the 2nd and Paul the 3rd to get the Messengers to 2 Up. The 4th and 5th were halved. Leon won the 6th for the Assassins. The 7th was halved in eagles from Kevin and me. Leon won the 8th to bring it back to All Square. The next three holes were all halved so the teams were still All Square after 11 holes.
The real match-altering events happened on the 12th green and 13th tee.
Kevin won the par-3 12th hole and took the Messengers to 1 Up. We each made our separate ways from the 12th green to the 13th tee. After a few minutes' delay, Kevin was ready to tee-off.
He was just about to start his back swing when there came a high-pitched scream from the direction of the previous 12th green. "Help, there’s a body in the bunker”.
Chapter Three
We all headed back to the 12th green. The following group were standing around the greenside bunker staring at a body lying face down in the sand. More Brew Crew members were steadily arriving to see what all the commotion was about.
[Sean] Ben. You’re the man in charge of the Cyder Cup. What are we going to do?
[BenT] Ross invited Ace Ventura as a guest. He's a detective. Ross, go and get him.
Ross gets Ace Ventura, who arrives wearing a tutu and carrying a covered cage.
[BenT] Ace, you’re a detective. Please help us investigate this death.
[AceV] I'm afraid you're mistaken. I’m only here so I can do a celebratory dance if someone gets a hole-in-one.
[BenT] But they made a movie about your detective agency.
[AceV] That was artistic licence. It should have been called Ace Ventura
and his Pet Detective. That’s why I brought this with me.
Ace points to the cage and removes the cover.
[Ace] Say hello to Hercules Parrot, my pet detective.
The parrot looks at Ben and squawks
[HP] Who's a pretty boy then?
Chapter Four
[BenT] Are you serious? This parrot is going to solve a murder?
[Ace] He sure can. He is a Belgian Blue, renowned for their problem solving abilities. I’m the Dr Watson to his Sherlock Holmes. What do you want me to do, Hercules?
[HP] Let me out of this cage for starters
Ace opens the cage and the parrot flies up onto Ace’s shoulder.
[HP] Ace, put some gloves on and roll over the body.
Somebody passes Ace a left-handed golf-glove and a right-handed golf-glove. He puts them on and rolls the body over.
The crowd gasps. A hushed murmur goes around the gallery.
[Crowd] That’s the in-game commentator, John McCarthy.
The parrot flies down and sits on his wrist.
[HP] No pulse. He’s dead.
[Ace] Hercules, are you sure he’s not resting or stunned?
[HP] He’s not resting or stunned! He’s passed on! This commentator is no more! He has ceased to be! He’s expired and gone to meet his maker! He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! He’s pushing up the daisies! His metabolic processes are now history! He’s off the twig! He’s kicked the bucket, he’s shuffled off this mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-COMMENTATOR!
[Ace] Got it Hercules. He’s a dead Commentator. How did he die?
Chapter Five
The parrot hops next to the body’s face, cocks his head and peers closely at the left cheek. He then jumps onto the body’s chest and uses his beak to prize open the lips. He starts nibbling something. He then flies back to Ace’s shoulder.
[HP] There is writing imprinted in his face. It looks like it says “Moljnir - Made in Valhalla”
[Ace] That sounds like Thor’s Hammer. Is that what killed him?
[HP] No. I think that knocked him out. His mouth is full of curry-flavoured crackers. I believe John McCarthy died from asphyxiation.
The crowd gasps.
[BenT] But who would do such a thing?
[HP] That’s what I’m going to find out.
Chapter Six
After much back and forth, Hercules Parrot determined that John McCarthy was still alive and commentating while our group was putting on the 12th green but was dead by the time the following group arrived at the 12th green. One of our group must be the murderer. But which one? Hercules started to question each of us in turn.
The parrot flies up to me and uses my hand as a perch. He licks my fingers with his stubby tongue.
[HP] Ken, what did you do after finishing the 12th hole.
[Me] My putts for birdie and par both missed because the ball was dirty so I ended up with a bogey. I was a bit cranky so I rushed over to the 13th tee to clean my golf ball. I then went back to those toilets over there. Paul was coming out as I went in. After I finished in the toilets, I went back to the 13th tee. The others were all waiting for me when I got back there.
[HP] Thank you Ken. Ace, please look in his golf bag.
Ace looks in my bag
[Ace] Nothing here but golf stuff.
The parrot flies over to Leon and sits on his hand. He licks Leon’s fingers with his stubby tongue.
[HP] Leon, what did you do after finishing the 12th hole.
[Leon] Ken was p!ssed off about missing his putts so he rushed off and left me to get the birdie to halve the hole. I missed my birdie and only got a par, so we lost the hole. I realised I needed more alcohol. I spotted the drinks cart nearby. I asked the Mercury boys if they wanted a beer. They didn’t but I went over and got some for myself before returning to the 13th tee. The Mercury boys were already waiting to tee-off but Ken arrived after me.
[HP] Thank you Leon. Drinks cart girl, did Leon get a drink from you?
[Drinks cart girl] He did.
[HP] Thank you young lady. Ace, please look in Leon’s bag.
Ace looks in Leon’s bag
[Ace] Nothing here but golf stuff.
The parrot flies over to Kevin and sits on his hand. He licks Kevin’s fingers with his stubby tongue.
[HP] Kevin, what did you do after finishing the 12th hole.
[Kevin] Paul had holed out first for par. I then sank my putt for birdie. We both waited for Ken to putt next. Ken was annoyed about missing two putts so he rushed off and left Leon to get the birdie. Leon missed and we won the hole. Leon asked if we wanted a beer but we refused as we need clear heads to get the win. After Leon left, I headed towards the next tee and Paul headed off to the toilets. We were last to leave the 12th green together but I swear John was still alive then. I thought Ken would be waiting at the 13th tee but I was the first one there. Next came Paul then Leon then Ken.
[HP] Thank you Kevin. Ace, please look in Kevin’s bag.
Ace looks in Kevin’s bag
[Ace] Nothing here but golf stuff.
The parrot flies over to Paul and sits on his hand. He licks Paul’s fingers with his stubby tongue.
[HP] Paul, what did you do after finishing the 12th hole.
[Paul] I holed out first for par. Kevin then sank his putt for birdie. We both waited for Ken to putt next. Ken was steamed up about missing his putts so he rushed off and left Leon to get the birdie but he missed and we won the hole. Leon asked if Kevin and I wanted a beer. I was desperate for one but I refused because Ross told us to focus on getting the win. After Leon left, I headed towards the toilets for a whizz and Kevin headed off to the 13th tee. We were last to leave the 12th green but I swear John was still alive then. I saw Ken heading into the toilets as I was coming out. When I got to the 13th tee, Kevin was there waiting. Next came Leon then Ken.
[HP] Did you wash your hands after your whizz?
[Paul] No. Typical on-course toilet. The tap wasn’t working in the basin.
[HP] Thank you Paul. Ace, please look in Paul’s bag.
Ace looks in Paul’s bag … and pulls out a large metal hammer.
Chapter Seven
The crowd gasps. Ben and Ross grab Paul to stop him from fleeing.
[Paul] That’s not mine. I didn’t put it there. I didn’t do it.
[Sean] That looks pretty incriminating to me. Lock him up.
[HP] Wait a minute!
The parrot flies over and lands on the handle of the hammer. He looks at its head and then licks the handle with his stubby tongue.
[HP] This has “Moljnir - Made in Valhalla” printed on it. It is definitely the weapon that knocked out the victim.
[BenT] Let’s take him away.
[HP] Ben, Ross, please let Paul go. He didn’t do it.
[Ross] Then who did?
Chapter Eight
The parrot flies back up to Ace’s shoulder.
[HP] Kevin, Ken and Leon. Please show me your golf balls.
We do as the parrot asks.
[HP] Just as I thought. Ben, Ross, please put Ken into custody.
[Me] What? How can it be me? Why would I make myself the villain in my own story?
[HP] But it was you, Ken. Your golf ball is still dirty. You didn’t hurry to the next tee to wash it. You hid behind that rock over there and waited for the others to leave. The missed putts didn’t make you cranky. You were cranky and that made you miss the putts. For some reason John had ruffled your feathers, so you went back to him and smacked him in the head with the hammer, knocking him out. You then filled his mouth with those dry, curry-flavoured crackers before rolling him into the bunker, leaving him to die. You then went to the toilets to plant the hammer in Paul’s golf bag before pretending to meet him as you were going into the toilets.
[Me] You can’t prove that.
[HP] I can. Those curry-flavoured crackers have a distinct seasoning that gets on your fingers. That’s why I licked everyone’s fingers and the hammer handle. The basin tap in the toilet was not working so nobody could wash their hands. Ken, yours were the only fingers that tasted of the same curry flavour that was on the hammer and in the victim’s mouth.
[Me] Damn, you’re good Hercules Parrot. Yes, it was me. Guilty as charged.
[HP] Ben, Ross, you can take him away.
[AceV] Another case solved by my great Hercules Parrot.
Ben & Ross then led me away and put me in this locked room in the clubhouse.
Epilogue
That’s why I’m writing this report in a locked room that isn’t the press pool offices.
So why did I kill John?
I didn’t mean to.
I stupidly still listen to John’s commentary. I couldn’t get into a rhythm for this match and something John said made me see red. I lost the plot after missing those putts on the 12th. I went back to him after the others had left the 12th green.
[Me] You and your “Did he just use Thor’s Hammer”. I’ll bl00dy use Thor’s Hammer all right.
Whack to the head.
[Me] You and your “That was a spicy, little biscuit”. I’ll give you spicy, little biscuits.
And I shoved as many curry-flavoured crackers down his throat as I could.
Oh, you want to know what happened in the match? Leon was left to finish the round by himself. Poor bugger. He played valiantly and halved the last six holes but could not recover that lost 12th hole. The Messengers won 1 Up.
What about my Day 3 match? I’ll be let out in the morning to play that. They’ll let me off on the grounds of diminished responsibility. Maybe even insanity. After all, I do play competitive virtual golf and write stories about it. What’s madder than that?
THE END
[Editor’s comment - Ken, how come Art’s scorecard shows you halving the 17th hole not Leon?]
[Response to Editor - Sssh, Mark. What’s the Press Pool motto? “Don’t let the facts get in the way of the story line”]
[Editor’s comment - And where did the hammer and crackers come from? Big plot hole]
[Response to Editor - Nonsense. Don’t you always carry Thor’s Hammer and a packet of curry-flavoured crackers in your golf-bag when playing a round of golf?]