The Brew Crew - The Cyder Cup VI

[IGolfBad]

Cyder Cup Day 3 Davies v Copage

Welcome to “A Dreadful Start – a Delightfully Fun and Charming Pick Your Own Adventure Story For Children of All Ages That's Simply Perfect for Bedtime Story Sharing!”

THEY’RE HERE! OMIGOD! THEY’VE FOUND YOU!

A. run Run RUN B. Hide

B. hide!

THERE’S A PILE OF RUBBLE YOU CAN SQUEEZE UNDER. A METAL OBJECT GLINTS FAINTLY.

A. eXaminE B. stay HIDDEN

A. why not? look at it

ALL THAT GLISTERS IS NOT GOLD. THE DETONATION RIPS YOU IN HALF. THEY FEAST ON YOUR REMAINS.

THE END.

sh!t sh!t sh!t sh!t go back!!!!!

THERE’S A PILE OF RUBBLE YOU CAN SQUEEZE UNDER. A METAL OBJECT GLINTS FAINTLY.

A. eXaminE B. stay HIDDEN

B. No way. I'm staying put!

YOUR HEART BEATS LOUDLY, YOU’RE SURE THEY’LL HEAR. AN HOUR PASSES.

A. waiT B. LOOK around

B. certainly they're gone

THEY’RE GONE. SLOWLY, YOU CREEP OUT. BLOOD IS SMEARED ON THE STREETS. YOU ARE TIRED.

A. give in B. WeeP

B. oh cripes...

TEARS STREAM DOWN YOUR CHEEKS. YOU’RE UTTERLY ALONE. ARE YOU THE LAST ONE LEFT?

A. give in B. carry oN

B. must... go... on... find the... Brew Crew...

DEVOID OF ENERGY, YOU STUMBLE DOWN ONE DARK ALLEY AFTER ANOTHER. EVERYTHING IS MISERABLE. YOU COME ACROSS A DOOR SLIGHTLY AJAR.

A. GO inside B. keep walking

A. I think I smell beer... could it be?

A FOUL-SMELLING TORRENT OF HOT AIR SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT BEHIND YOU. THE PITILESS YELLOW EYES OF PAUL DAVIES AND ERNIE COPAGE ARE THE LAST THING YOU SEE BEFORE YOU LET YOURSELF SLIP INTO THE ETERNAL VOID.

sh!t sh!t sh!t sh!t not yet!!! Who won the match?

A. Monarchs B. Strikers.

Oh, this one’s easy!

B. Strikers

Strikers win 5&4

[thetaffman]

Amazed it was that close to be fair

[IGolfBad]

Cyder Cup Day 3 – Santapaula v Stevenson – The Rematch

Per Press Pool guidelines, I am forbidden to offer a play by play recap of the round, as these two golfers have already squared off. That said, I am forced to give an overview of the match in rapid fashion.

Gentleman Dave held the door open for Carol on the opening hole, allowing her to score the birdie and take the point.

But from that point forward, Dave threw the standards of etiquette out with the bathwater, and proceeded to trample all over any hope that Carol had of even keeping things close. Oh, sure, he tried to put on airs of being a respectful guy by allowing her to win only one more hole, and conceding halves on 3 others, but when the dust settled, he was little more than a playground bully, tugging on Carol’s pigtails and pushing her down in the mud, soiling her little yellow dress.

My guy. Way to take no prisoners.

This report was brought to you by the “He-Man Womens Haters Club”, sponsored by Alfalfa and Spanky.

Strikers win 5&4

[IGolfBad]

Cyder Cup Day 4 – Johnny Onions vs Alan Taylor

So here’s how it all went down on that fateful afternoon.

Johnny: nude. Again.

Alan: counters by tearing off his break-away speed suit to reveal absolutely nothing underneath.

Lawrence: checks vaccination records to find everything is in order. Standing Monday morning appointment with forensic psychiatrist in place. Check. Full double dose of PerfectSwing^R injected. Check. One dozen black Uni-ball pens in hand. Check. One dozen government issued prophylactics. Check. 911 on speed dial in the cellular. Check. Let’s do this.

Hole 1: Johnny repeats his “ball drop on the green” trick, once again making a dimple in Alan’s line, forcing Alan to take par. Johnny takes the hole. Monarchs 1 up.

Hole 2: Johnny picks himself up from the ground after Alan swats the back of his head with the driver. Hole is halved.

Hole 3: Johnny retaliates with a quick piss on Alan’s shoes during Al’s birdie putt, which is promptly missed. Monarchs go up 2.

Hole 4: Alan bull-rushes Johnny on each swing of this one, knocking John off his feet and his rhythm, forcing him to settle for double bogey. Strikers cut the lead to 1.

Holes 5-7: both golfers are distracted by the naked beer cart girls (yes, there are multiple). Johnny works his Bollocks magic, but the girls are unimpressed, as Alan scores 3 phone numbers because he’s just that much smoother. Through their beer induced haze, both golfers run off a string of 3 straight birds, which may or may not be a euphemism for something sexual involving beer cart girls.

Hole 8: whilst Alan vomits in the nearby shrubbery, Johnny posts another nabs his 4th straight bird, during which this reporter really hopes Johnny’s shots are also up to date. Monarchs up 2.

Holes 9 and 10: the match has devolved into a naked orgy of our two golfers, what has now expanded into 6 beer cart girls, and a total lack of a reporter, making the course appear to be a mash-up of “Oh! Calcutta” and “Hair”, with both golfers taking down birds, Johnny bagging his 5th and 6th in a row.

Hole 11: proving he’s human after all, Johnny collapses, spent from capturing 6 birds in a row, and likely incubating more diseases than the CDC has files for. Taking advantage, Alan takes one more bird “for the road”, and cuts the Monarch lead down to 1.

Holes 12-14: after leaving John and Al a fresh cold case of the local ale, the beer cart girls speed off to what can only be imagined to be a very steamy group shower that so piques the interest of this reporter, I can only rush through this report to get on over to the beer girls’ locker room and generate what can only be a much better, much much more interesting recap. The holes are halved and the Monarchs hold the 1 up lead.

Holes 15-18: Alan, realizing that his brother in Strikers arms is about to get quite an eye-full, and hopefully more, says “fcuk it – I’m out” and lays down his clubs. As the Striker pair drive off for the party that waits for them, Johnny mutters to himself, “amateurs” and finishes out the round with 3 more birdies over the final 4 holes.

Naked and alone, Johnny finds himself in a familiar position. He’s won another match, but there is nobody to share it with. “Well, Bollocks, you’ve gone and done it again.” Shrugging his shoulders, he trods off toward the clubhouse, his golf towel straining to maintain what little dignity Johnny has left.

“Crap. That’s going to hurt in the morning…”

Monarchs win 3&2

[evilgrin72]

Aug 13, 2022 12:30:30 GMT -5 IGolfBad said:

Cyder Cup Day 4 – Johnny Onions vs Alan Taylor

So here’s how it all went down on that fateful afternoon.

Johnny: nude. Again.

Alan: counters by tearing off his break-away speed suit to reveal absolutely nothing underneath.

Lawrence: checks vaccination records to find everything is in order. Standing Monday morning appointment with forensic psychiatrist in place. Check. Full double dose of Perfect swing injected. Check. One dozen black Uni-ball pens in hand. Check. One dozen government issued prophylactics. Check. 911 on speed dial in the cellular. Check. Let’s do this.

Hole 1: Johnny repeats his “ball drop on the green” trick, once again making a dimple in Alan’s line, forcing Alan to take par. Johnny takes the hole. Monarchs 1 up.

Hole 2: Johnny picks himself up from the ground after Alan swats the back of his head with the driver. Hole is halved.

Hole 3: Johnny retaliates with a quick piss on Alan’s shoes during Al’s birdie putt, which is promptly missed. Monarchs go up 2.

Hole 4: Alan bull-rushes Johnny on each swing of this one, knocking John off his feet and his rhythm, forcing him to settle for double bogey. Strikers cut the lead to 1.

Holes 5-7: both golfers are distracted by the naked beer cart girls (yes, there are multiple). Johnny works his Bollocks magic, but the girls are unimpressed, as Alan scores 3 phone numbers because he’s just that much smoother. Through their beer induced haze, both golfers run off a string of 3 straight birds, which may or may not be a euphemism for something sexual involving beer cart girls.

Hole 8: whilst Alan vomits in the nearby shrubbery, Johnny posts another nabs his 4th straight bird, during which this reporter really hopes Johnny’s shots are also up to date. Monarchs up 2.

Holes 9 and 10: the match has devolved into a naked orgy of our two golfers, what has now expanded into 6 beer cart girls, and a total lack of a reporter, making the course appear to be a mash-up of “Oh! Calcutta” and “Hair”, with both golfers taking down birds, Johnny bagging his 5th and 6th in a row.

Hole 11: proving he’s human after all, Johnny collapses, spent from capturing 6 birds in a row, and likely incubating more diseases than the CDC has files for. Taking advantage, Alan takes one more bird “for the road”, and cuts the Monarch lead down to 1.

Holes 12-14: after leaving John and Al a fresh cold case of the local ale, the beer cart girls speed off to what can only be imagined to be a very steamy group shower that so piques the interest of this reporter, I can only rush through this report to get on over to the beer girls’ locker room and generate what can only be a much better, much much more interesting recap. The holes are halved and the Monarchs hold the 1 up lead.

Holes 15-18: Alan, realizing that his brother in Strikers arms is about to get quite an eye-full, and hopefully more, says “fcuk it – I’m out” and lays down his clubs. As the Striker pair drive off for the party that waits for them, Johnny mutters to himself, “amateurs” and finishes out the round with 3 more birdies over the final 4 holes.

Naked and alone, Johnny finds himself in a familiar position. He’s won another match, but there is nobody to share it with. “Well, Bollocks, you’ve gone and done it again.” Shrugging his shoulders, he trods off toward the clubhouse, his golf towel straining to maintain what little dignity Johnny has left.

“Crap. That’s going to hurt in the morning…”

Monarchs win 3&2

What timing I have to log on for the first time all day, right after this was posted. Happy with this result, go Monarchs!

P.S. Why am I always naked? Haha..

[lessangster]

Aug 13, 2022 12:43:31 GMT -5 evilgrin72 said:

Aug 13, 2022 12:30:30 GMT -5 IGolfBad said:

Cyder Cup Day 4 – Johnny Onions vs Alan Taylor

So here’s how it all went down on that fateful afternoon.

Johnny: nude. Again.

Alan: counters by tearing off his break-away speed suit to reveal absolutely nothing underneath.

Lawrence: checks vaccination records to find everything is in order. Standing Monday morning appointment with forensic psychiatrist in place. Check. Full double dose of Perfect swing injected. Check. One dozen black Uni-ball pens in hand. Check. One dozen government issued prophylactics. Check. 911 on speed dial in the cellular. Check. Let’s do this.

Hole 1: Johnny repeats his “ball drop on the green” trick, once again making a dimple in Alan’s line, forcing Alan to take par. Johnny takes the hole. Monarchs 1 up.

Hole 2: Johnny picks himself up from the ground after Alan swats the back of his head with the driver. Hole is halved.

Hole 3: Johnny retaliates with a quick piss on Alan’s shoes during Al’s birdie putt, which is promptly missed. Monarchs go up 2.

Hole 4: Alan bull-rushes Johnny on each swing of this one, knocking John off his feet and his rhythm, forcing him to settle for double bogey. Strikers cut the lead to 1.

Holes 5-7: both golfers are distracted by the naked beer cart girls (yes, there are multiple). Johnny works his Bollocks magic, but the girls are unimpressed, as Alan scores 3 phone numbers because he’s just that much smoother. Through their beer induced haze, both golfers run off a string of 3 straight birds, which may or may not be a euphemism for something sexual involving beer cart girls.

Hole 8: whilst Alan vomits in the nearby shrubbery, Johnny posts another nabs his 4th straight bird, during which this reporter really hopes Johnny’s shots are also up to date. Monarchs up 2.

Holes 9 and 10: the match has devolved into a naked orgy of our two golfers, what has now expanded into 6 beer cart girls, and a total lack of a reporter, making the course appear to be a mash-up of “Oh! Calcutta” and “Hair”, with both golfers taking down birds, Johnny bagging his 5th and 6th in a row.

Hole 11: proving he’s human after all, Johnny collapses, spent from capturing 6 birds in a row, and likely incubating more diseases than the CDC has files for. Taking advantage, Alan takes one more bird “for the road”, and cuts the Monarch lead down to 1.

Holes 12-14: after leaving John and Al a fresh cold case of the local ale, the beer cart girls speed off to what can only be imagined to be a very steamy group shower that so piques the interest of this reporter, I can only rush through this report to get on over to the beer girls’ locker room and generate what can only be a much better, much much more interesting recap. The holes are halved and the Monarchs hold the 1 up lead.

Holes 15-18: Alan, realizing that his brother in Strikers arms is about to get quite an eye-full, and hopefully more, says “fcuk it – I’m out” and lays down his clubs. As the Striker pair drive off for the party that waits for them, Johnny mutters to himself, “amateurs” and finishes out the round with 3 more birdies over the final 4 holes.

Naked and alone, Johnny finds himself in a familiar position. He’s won another match, but there is nobody to share it with. “Well, Bollocks, you’ve gone and done it again.” Shrugging his shoulders, he trods off toward the clubhouse, his golf towel straining to maintain what little dignity Johnny has left.

“Crap. That’s going to hurt in the morning…”

Monarchs win 3&2

What timing I have to log on for the first time all day, right after this was posted. Happy with this result, go Monarchs!

P.S. Why am I always naked? Haha..

You could ask why I’m always portrayed to be grumpy I’m not like that in real life I just speak my mind. 😂😂

[evilgrin72]

Aug 13, 2022 12:47:15 GMT -5 lessangster said:

Aug 13, 2022 12:43:31 GMT -5 evilgrin72 said:

What timing I have to log on for the first time all day, right after this was posted. Happy with this result, go Monarchs!

P.S. Why am I always naked? Haha..

You could ask why I’m always portrayed to be grumpy I’m not like that in real life I just speak my mind. 😂😂

Sometimes being direct can come off grumpy through text. I personally have never found you to be grumpy myself, but the place I come from is known for being VERY direct and uncompromising in terms of speech/attitude. Also, I have played a round in my mind with you and your pops, so maybe I have a different perspective. 😂

[lessangster]

Aug 13, 2022 13:20:25 GMT -5 evilgrin72 said:

Aug 13, 2022 12:47:15 GMT -5 lessangster said:

You could ask why I’m always portrayed to be grumpy I’m not like that in real life I just speak my mind. 😂😂

Sometimes being direct can come off grumpy through text. I personally have never found you to be grumpy myself, but the place I come from is known for being VERY direct and uncompromising in terms of speech/attitude. Also, I have played a round in my mind with you and your pops, so maybe I have a different perspective. 😂

Your thinking back to when you’ve played Bishop Auckland Golf Club and the memories it gives me of rounds with my dad ❤️

[IGolfBad]

Cyder Cup Day 4 - Charles Lindbergh v Mark Buenger - "Carol's Revenge"

Scene: The Lindbergh-Santapaula sitting room.

Carol is furiously scrubbing mud stains from yellow taffeta, cursing the name of The Bank under her breath in language not suitable for this report.

"Charlie, if you don't take down that scrawny Striker Bing, I'm cutting you off, and this time you'd better believe I REALLY MEAN IT THIS TIME!"

"Carol, my precious flower, my devoted bride, my noodle cup, my butterscotch chip cookie, my..."

"DON'T YOU BUTTERSCOTCH COOKIE ME!!!! JUST GO OUT THERE AND DESTROY THAT LITTLE PUNK!!!"

"Yes, punkin'. As you wish..."

_______________________

Welcome to Day 4 of the Sixth Brew Crew Cyder Cup, sponsored by Dicken's Cider. Who doesn't enjoy a cold Dicken's Cider on a hot Sunday afternoon, am I right ladies? And speaking of ladies, I am pleased and honored to have joining me in the press booth, the Brew Crew's token lady golfer, the incomparable, erudite, genteel and lovely Carol Santapaula inflames47

Carol: "@!$# that, Mark. I'm here to remind Charlie that he'd better win this match or else."

Or else what, Carol?

CS: "Or. Else. (teeth and fists simultaneously clench)  Let's go, Charlie! Show that little sh%$ Binger who's boss!"

_______________________

Playing conservatively, Charlie and Mark both card pars on the first two holes, halving both. Carol is already fuming.

CS: "GODDAMMIT CHARLIE!!! WHAT DID I TELL YOU??? LET HIM HAVE IT!!!!"

Charlie calmly birdies the 3rd, but what's this??!!! Mark chips in for eagle to take a 1 up lead! The crowd goes wild, and Carol goes ballistic.

CS: "@!$# @!$# @!$# @!$# @!$#!"

Both golfers are shaken by the outburst as Mark pars the next two holes, while a fear-gripped Charlie finds his groove, carding two more birds and giving the Monarchs a 1 up lead.

CS: "THAT'S more like it, honey bunny! I never doubted you, my sweet dumpling!"

As Charlie starts to relax, Mark senses blood in the water. Charlie, now lost in thought of Carol's... er.... wiles, loses a bit of composure and pars the 6th and 7th, while Mark goes for the jugular and with steely precision, drops in back to back birds, taking back the 1 up lead for the Strikers.

CS: "sh%$ @!$# sh%$ @!$# sh%$ @!$#!!!"

Mark's confidence now on a rocket course for the sun, he birdies holes 8 and 9, while Charlie can only match one of them, giving the Strikers a 2 up lead at the turn. A very electric murmur runs through the gallery. Could we be witnessing the upset of the tournament?

Carol, red faced and livid, storms out of the press box.

CS (in a very low, short, staccato voice): "Charlie, I swear to Bobby Orr, if you @!$# this up, I will straight up neuter you. Do you understand me?"

CL (browbeaten): "Yes, my little banana split"

CS: "Goddammit Charlie, you know I'm lactose intolerant! Now GET OUT THERE AND FINISH THE LITTLE BASTARD!!"

_______________________

As if his life depended on it (and it did), Charlie rose to the occasion, driving the green on the reachable par 4 #10, while Mark, holding a 2 hole lead, took the conservative approach, playing for automatic bird. But Charlie's long winding putt was certain and true, ice coursing though his veins, and with the eagle, he took the hole, cutting the Striker lead to 1 up.

Carol could sense the turnaround happening and started to take the foil off the neck of her celebratory champagne.

CS: "ATTA BOY, BABY!!! YOU GOT THIS!!!"

But disaster struck on the 11th tee, as Charlie inexplicably shanked his drive into the trees, while Mark's drive was pure as the morning dew. Charlie could only manage bogey, while Mark once again calmly scored birdie, restoring the 2 up lead for the Strikers.

In the press booth, Carol crushed the bottle in her hands.

CS: "FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF..."

The golfers halved the par 3 #12, leaving the Strikers up 2 with 6 holes to go. Mark's nerves were suddenly starting to rattle as the crowd became more and more electric. But Charlie quickly regained form, routinely carding birdie on #13 while Mark could only take a routine par. The shift in momentum was palpable, and the inevitable seemed inevitable, the lead down to the slimmest of margins, and Charlie only getting better.

Carol was somehow silent.

With Charlie on the par 3 14th tee holding honors, he fired first and misjudged the wind at his back, proceeding to overshoot the green.

CS: "CHARLIE!!!! WHAT THE @!$# ARE YOU DOING??? sh%$ sh%$ sh%$ sh%$!!!!"

Mark's tee shot was perfection in a box, landing 5 feet from the pin. A shaking Charlie misjudged his approach and rolled the second shot off the other side of the green. In the end, a 2-putt for Charlie was no match for Mark's easy bird, and the Striker lead was back up to 2 with 4 holes to play.

The crowd roared. Carol fainted. In the distance, the sound of a lonely train whistle wafted over the course (was it Les?).

Without Carol's shrill rantings in his head, Charlie was suddenly overcome with a calm sense of zen. Mark noticed and was immediately filled with dread, for he knew the real Charlie was back, and he had no answer for him.

Sure enough, Charlie went eagle-birdie on holes 15 and 16, which Mark could only card birdie-par. The Strikers' lead had vanished, along with any hopes of a miracle upset. The crowd began to disperse, and the train whistle died out.

From the pressbox, a sudden ear piercing cry: "@!$# YEAH, CHARLIE!!!! THAT'S THE WAY, MY SUGAR DADDY! NOW BRING THE WIN HOME TO MAMA!!!"

Charlie's zen unbroken, he proceeded to drop another routine bird on the 17th. "Yeah, I'm back, b%&es...". But Mark was unfazed, and matched Charlies birdie with one of his own. "Charlie, no matter what happens, this has been one for the ages. But win or lose, you have to go home with that..." and he nodded toward the press box. "Good luck, my friend."

Both golfers struck perfect tee shots from the box on 18. Being away, Mark laid his approach at the foot of the green and got a perfect roll, which barely lipped out. But it caught a bit of downslope, and rolled another 20 feet past the pin. Charlie worked his magic, played just enough backspin with the 9-iron, and landed a beauty of a shot within the 5 foot circle. "I think I've got this, mate," he said as he confidently strode past Mark.

Again, cacophony from the press box overcame the cheering of the crowd: "CHARLIE!!! IF YOU BLOW THIS, YOU CAN SAY GOOD-BYE TO THIS BOSTON TEA PARTY!!!" Everyone in attendance turned toward Carol's voice and saw that she had removed her top and was free-wheeling in the wind. A collective gasp filled the air.

Mark was wide eyed. Charlie just shook his head. Putting his arm around Mark's shoulders, he calmly and quietly muttered, "don't say I've never done anything for you, boy-o". He then lined up his easy birdie putt, and proceeded to jam the ball well off the mark, coming to a stop 30 feet from the hole.

"CHARLES LINDBERGH!!!! WHAT THE EVERLOVING @!$# WAS THAT??? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR @!$#ING MIND??? THAT'S AN AUTOMATIC BIRD FOR...."

Carol's tirade was suddenly cut off as two men in white jumpsuits wrapped her up tight in a straitjacket and stuffed an ether-soaked towel into her mouth. She quickly faded into oblivion as the crowd watched on in silence.

"You're welcome, Mark," said Charlie in a professional tone. "Now take that which is rightfully yours. You've earned the tie."

Dumbfounded, and in no condition to drop a 20 foot birdie putt, Mark decided to play it safe and make the best lag putt he could muster.

Just then, in his scrambling mind, Mark heard the voice of Jim Nance.

JN: "Nope. I've had enough. I'm out of here for real"

Then Jar Jar Binks

JJB: "Meesa really think yousa're goen to maken disa putt and win da hole thing, Beng!"

Then Jack Sparrow

JS: "If you please, mate, we have an accord for your victory putt, savvy?"

Then James Brown

JB: "OOWWWW!! TOO HOT IN THE HOT TUB!!!"

Mark shook his head furiously, took a deep breath, and let loose the putt.

30 feet away, at the elevated press box, Carol came to... "LET ME GO, YOU @!$#ING BASTARDS!!!"

Mark's putt rolled toward the cup, just like he planned. With perfect lag, the ball came to rest on the lip of the pin, leaving Mark with the tappiest of all tap-ins, which would secure the tie with Charlie, putting him in the books along side the greatest golf matches in history.

Suddenly, a tremendous crashing sound came from the direction of the press box. In her attempts to free herself from her captors, Carol manage to break free from guards, but in doing so, tumbled over the ledge of the opening, and fell 25 feet to the ground. This caused just enough of a vibration in the earth to make Mark's ball start to ever so slightly move from it's spot. As all present watched in stunned silence, the ball made one more quarter turn and fell into the cup with the most satisfying plunk ever heard by human ears. Bing had the birdie.

As the crowd erupted, storming the green to surround Mark, and hoist them upon their collective shoulders, Charlie just smiled wryly. Turning his back on the celebration, he strolled over to Carol, set her free from her bindings, covered her exposed body with a windbreaker, and said gently, "Come on, love of my life. Let's go home."

Carol gazed longingly into Charlie's eyes. "Did you win, sweetheart?" Charlie smiled sweetly in silence.

Strikers win 1 up

[prowse00]

Day 4 Singles

Nixon v Beaudry

SportsCenter HQ

‘Presenter Jerry’ “Good morning golf fans, after a whirlwind of a week, here we are on the final day of the Cyder Cup. With all to play for, will the Monarch’s be able to finally get their hands back on the trophy or will we see the Strikers walking away victorious again.

We are joined in the studio today with guest stars of the Strikers Ernie Copage and Monarch’s Paul Davies. And of course not forgetting our in house analyst Sarah McWhackers.

You guys had your singles match yesterday, must be a nice feeling knowing your week is now done?"

"Ye… oh…"

"One at a time please'

"Sor Apol"

"Ok Ok, Ernie Ernie, you first…"

"Sorry Jerry, what was the question again?"

"Paul, any thoughts?"

"Can we have another drink please?"

"Um…let's take a quick commercial break"

"Christ those bleddy Brew Crew members Sarah!

"Think we are still live Jerry"

"Ah Fak it, get me a drink as well and while we are at it when the commercial finishes, jump straight into the live feed. I've had enough of this Cyder lot

"Good Morning Sports Fan, Your course reporter here. It's the final day and the action is well underway. Now you maybe wondering why I am not currently on the course at the moment and why you are seeing pictures of a black and white cat. Well…I am currently up a tree trying to save the course manager's wife's best friends niece's cat from a tree. Who let out my profession but more to it, who brings a cat to a golf tournament?

I have missed the first 3 holes but have been informed the tie is still all square. Think it might be time for another commercial…

"Presenter Jerry" Apologghees Sen is aving a few difi cultiees with the tree in a cat. Ears Sarah Mc'Knockers with some bats"

"Oh Jery oh Jerry, we told you not to drink with Ernie and Paul.

Apologies sports fans while we wait for Sean to return here are some interesting facts to get your head around.

1.On average, 300 million golf balls are lost in the U.S. per year

2.Peru houses the highest golf course in the world

3.Celine Dion owns a golf course in Quebec

4.A golf ball will have around 300 to 500 dimples on its surface

IS SEAN BACK YET….

5.The chances of making two holes-in-one in a round of golf are one in 67 million

6.The longest putt verified by the Guinness Book of World Records is 395 feet."

And we are back.

Cat Saved!

While we were gone our old crocodile dundee took the lead on the 4th only to be pinned back down with an excellent come back from our Canadian cousin.

Going into the 17th hole Eric was up by one. Ross had issues with his driver but recovered well for Par. Smoke could be seen from Eric driver though as it torpedoed through the air. Easy Iron approach onto the green for a standard Beaudry Eagle and Striker Win.

Strikers Win 2&1

[sid snott]

We've made it to day four and the match between portred & CGib2 .
CF took the first hole only for David to pull it back on the second. David started to wilt in heat as CF won five of the next six holes while David could only manage one. The second half of the round was even as both players won two holes each, but CF had done enough over the first nine holes to take the win for the Strikers
CF wins 3&2
Time to go back to the press bar and rehydrate.

[IGolfBad]

Cyder Cup Day 3 - Marc van Niekirk vs Ben Tough

Quick report as Ben showed up late for his tee time (something about his son's wedding, and being legally obligated to attend, rather than fulfill  his moral obligation to his real family, The Brew Crew. But whatever.)

Because of Ben's tardiness, Marc took a quick 2 hole lead with uncontested birdies on the openers. Ben finally arrived on hole #3, and with absolutely no warm up, cracked a 320 yard driver into the wind, setting up for the easy bird. Marc, playing a more traditional approach (in his brand new crocodile leather shoes, a shining example of the finest irony), matched the bird to keep the 2 hole lead

But Ben, thoughts flooded with the prospects of a new daughter-in-law and how far down she would drag the younger Mr. Tough, speed golfed his way to four more consecutive birds, allowing him to win three of the next four holes, and claim a sudden 1 up lead for the Strikers. Ben caught sight of the beer cart, and in a flash of delirious confusion, mistook the beer girl for his son's newly betrothed, and he ran off to "give her a good talking to". Marc took advantage by carding birdie on holes 8 and 9, putting the Monarchs back to a 1 up advantage.

Ben came stumbling back to the course at #10 and sloshed his way to halving the next three holes with the Croc, but by the time they reached the 13th, Marc was so bored with Ben's imaginary tales of woe, that be slipped into par mode, and Ben knocked down a timely birdie to draw the match even.

Marc finally wised up, slipped in his ear pods, and drowned Ben out to whimsical and wistfully timely "Olivia Newton John's Greatest Hits" (rest in peace ONJ). While Ben broke down in tears, thinking he had lost his last son forever, forgetting he has THREE MORE IN THE WINGS!, Marc carded the bird, and took the lead back, as Ben started his rapid decline into oblivion.

Somehow, Ben managed to keep even by halving the next three holes to keep the Strikers' fading hopes for a tie alive. But fate would not with him on this day, as Marc crafted his 12th birdie of the round, whereas a despondent Ben scored the day's lone bogey.

Marc shook Ben's hand in a familiar gesture of sportsmanship, gave him a big bear hug, and whispered in his ear, "there, there, mate... you can't win 'em all. Besides, you haven't lost a son. You've gained a daughter!"

Ben's face slowly lit up, then with a big beaming smile proclaimed, "Yeah! And she has a rich father!"

Monarchs win 2 up

[IGolfBad]

Cyder Cup Day 4 - Jason Hansford vs Pat O'Dell - Battle of the Super Subs

We join the Vice Captains, Ross Nixon of the Monarchs and Paul Matchen of the Strikers, tucked away in a dark corner booth in the Brew Crew Pub, a single flickering light bulb hanging overhead. The two are engaged in a riveting match of Battleship^R, already in progress.

PM: F-8...

RN: Miss!

PM: Dammit! 12 shots, and not a single hit. Are you sure you put your ships on the board?

RN: You know it! Darned bad luck for you, old chum! My turn!  C-2...

PM: Hit! Rubbish all! Ok, Matchen, think think think... J-10...

RN: Missed again, chap! Remarkable misfortune! How about C-3...

PM: ARGH! Damn your eyes! Hit!

Paul's brow starts to sweat furiously, knowing he's in big trouble.

Ross smell's blood in the water and keeps after the enemy fleet.

RN: Honing in on... C-4!

PM: Oh thank the maker! Miss! Ok.. really need this now. A1!

RN: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! NO!!!! You missed again! Oh you poor pitiful fool!

Ross wrings his hands with fury in his eyes, and lowers the boom.

RN (sinisterly): C....1.....

PM: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! You sunk my super sub!!!! Patio Dell is gone from the game! WHYYYY??

In a fit of rage, Paul sweeps the game from the table, red and white peg and tiny plastic naval craft flying everywhere.

Fade to black.

 Monarchs win 2 up

[asyoudo64]

Day 4 Singles Match 5
Coba V Murray.
Getting down to the business end of the week sees another interesting match up.
In the Red corner we have Doe "The Deer One " Coba up against in the Blue corner, the only player playing under the flag of the rising sun, Mark "The Phoenix " Murray. The Monarchs need some Singles wins so it is no surprise Captain Ashton is an interested onlooker.
Unfortunately for the Monarchs after a half on the first, The Phoenix birdied the second to go 1 up. Monarchs fans were hoping The Deer One wasn't going to freeze in the headlights.
The Deer One responded almost immediately after halving the 3rd he converted a great birdie chance on the 4th to bring the match back to all square.
The next five holes saw some fantastic golf from both players. 2 halves, 2 wins for The Phoenix and 1 win for The Deer One saw The Strikers 1 up after 9 holes.
On the way to the 10th tee, Ashton came up behind The Deer One and gave him his infamous "you've got this" wink
It had the desired effect as he halved the next 2 holes. Unfortunately The Deer One had a disastrous double on the 12th and The Phoenix soared to easily win the hole and go 2 up after 12.
Ashton once again came over to The Deer One and put his arm around his shoulder and whispered something in his ear
The Shakespearean (it's a word I think 🤔) words from the ever popular Monarchs Captain had an almost immediate effect as The Deer One halved the next hole then sunk a 30 footer for birdie on the 14th to be only 1 down to The Phoenix.
Unfortunately for everyone Monarch, The Phoenix rose from the literal ashes and won 2 of the next 3 holes to take out the match.
Strikers win 3 and 1.

[coggin66]

Day 4 - Singles Matchplay:

Ashton Fox v Paul Matchen

JOINING ME IN THE COMMENTARY BOX TODAY …

#6 - JOHN McCARTHY


[The Outside]

[Max] It’s nearly 4pm and joining me for the next couple of hours for the final Day 4 broadcasts is my guest, Bixby. Hi Bixby, welcome.

[Bixby] I’m listening.

[Max] Hi Bixby. Welcome to the show

[Bixby] You want me to do something? I’m not used to being asked to do something.

[Max] You are going to help me commentate. Viewers, now is the time to select the Day 4 match you want to watch.

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[Max] Bixby, please give us an overview of the players and characters in this match.

[Bixby] For the Red team we have none other than their captain, Buddha. Nowadays he is experimenting living back-to-front so he prefers to be called A Dub. A Dub has been playing IRL since it came out of beta over 100 years ago. He is one of just a handful of players to develop an IRL character enlightened enough to understand how IRL works. His current IRL character incarnation is Ashton Fox, captain of the IRL Monarchs. A Dub is looking very chillaxed.

[Max] And who is playing for the Blue team?

[Bixby] For the Blue team we have their vice-captain, the always energetic Harvey the Dog. His current IRL character is Paul Matchen. By the look of his wagging tail, Harvey Dog is excited for this match.

[Max] Thanks Bixby. So Red captain vs Blue vice captain. As the last match on the program, this should be an exciting battle to finish with. We’ll listen to the TGC commentary for this match. So let’s slow things down to TGC speed and get up close to the action.


[TGC Commentary Box]

Voiceover Guy:

The following broadcast is rated PG. Parental guidance is recommended.

[Intro Music plays]

RH: Welcome to our live commentary stream for the final match of Day 4 of The Brew Crew Cyder Cup VI. I'm your host Richard Head. Joining me in the commentary box today is TGC’s very own commentator, John McCarthy. Welcome to the broadcast John.

JohnM: Hello, my name is John and I’m looking forward to this final round of the event.

RH: This is the final pairing and could be the deciding match between the Monarch’s captain, Ashton Fox, and the Striker’s Vice-Captain, Paul Matchen.

JM: Yes. Off this first tee, they’ll have to be careful of the headwind out there.

RH: Ashton has teed off first.

JM: That tee shot is looking fairway bound.

RH: Now it’s Paul’s turn.

JM: This one’s dropping fairway for sure.

RH: No it isn’t you fool. It is heading straight for the bunker.

JM: Sorry aboot that, I’m not a computer.

RH: Paul recovered nicely from the bunker and they matched each other with pars to halve the first.

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RH: John, they’ve reached the 3rd fairway still all square. Ashton has laid up and Paul is now hitting his second.

JM: That approach shot was nothing less than transcendent. A chance for a bird with big wings.

RH: Ashton has chipped on.

JM: He’s on the green. A lot of work to do now.

RH: Paul with the eagle putt.

JM: This one could drop. Yes. That’s what I want to see

RH: The Strikers go one up.

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RH: John, we have some questions from the audience. Are we going to get an upgraded version of TGC anytime soon and will it fix some of the issues with PGA 2K21?

JM: Depends on what you call soon and depends on what you call fixed. We are working on PGA 2K25 but that 2025 is more about the time when we will remove about half the bugs so it will probably be released in 2023 … or 2024, maybe. And we’ll probably have two versions; one for PC & PS4 for the PGA Tour and another for XBox for the LIV Tour where we can hide a broken tempo mechanic with lots of extra prize-money.

RH: There you go viewers. Appreciate the game you’ve got because the next one will probably be even worse. Anyway, back to the golf. The players have reached the 6th tee and Paul is still 1 Up. Paul’s tee shot has reached the fairway. Now, Ashton.

JM: Did he just use Thor’s Hammer?

RH: What? How the hell are you meant to hit a golf ball with a hammer that is only 18 inches long?

JM: Sorry aboot that, I’m not a computer.

RH: Paul has played to the centre of the green.

JM: That’s a safe shot

RH: Ashton plays his approach to within 6 inches.

JM: He had that dialled in, didn’t he?

RH: Paul needs this birdie putt to stay in the lead

JM: Looking really good … Oh it’s going right by.

RH: Ashton knocks in his birdie putt to get the match back to level.

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RH: Here on the 7th, Ashton is in for par and Paul has this putt for birdie.

JM: Looking really good … Oh it’s going right by.

RH: Why do you bother? Everytime you say that it misses.

JM: Sorry aboot that, I’m not a computer

RH: Paul taps in for par and it's still all-square

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RH: Two good tee-shots on the 8th. Ashton to play his approach first.

JM: Silky swing

RH: He’s reached the centre of the green. Now Paul’s shot.

JM: A little off on that approach, but that’s ok

RH: Why is that ok? He now has to chip from the heavy rough.

JM: Nice tempo on that chip. Nice and easy.

RH: What? It looked Very Slow to me, you fool … but it’s still gone in the hole for the birdie.

JM: Yes, Johnny likey.

RH: Now Ashton’s putt for birdie …

JM: Fancy putter work. Let’s have another look at that

RH: Err, we don’t have a replay function. Still all square heading to the 9th.

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RH: Ashton still has the honour here on the 9th hole..

JM: He is 24 under par for the day.

RH: What The Fork! That’s his four round score you numbskull. And it doesn’t matter because we are playing matchplay.

JM: Sorry aboot that, I’m not a computer

RH: Ashton has hit a good one

JM: It looks like this teeshot is coming in for a safe landing

RH: Now, Paul

JM: Should be smooth sailing off the tee. Yes, Johnny likey.

RH: Paul has missed the green with his approach and Ashton has left himself a long putt. Paul to play first … and he’s chipped it in.

JM: Nice little chip-in for birdie. That was a fine shot. I like the way this is shaping up. That’s the second in a row of birdies. Yes, Johnny likey.

RH: Calm down John. Now Ashton with a long birdie putt.

JM: Quite the view from there. Way out on the green. Good luck. Let’s sink this for birdie and peace out. What do you say? That was going to be fantastic. Super putt. Just didn’t drop.

RH: Ashton taps in for par but Paul reaches the turn 1 Up. Are you ok, John? You seem to be over-commenting. Maybe you need to boost your sugar levels. Try one of these Chilli flavoured Oreos.

JM: Yum. There’s a spicy little biscuit. Yes, Johnny likey.

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RH: After a short break they are teeing off on the 10th. Paul has the honour and has played safe and laid up. Ashton has the driver out and is going for it. He’s landed it to within 6 feet of the pin.

JM: Man, he got a hold of that one. Ladies & gentleman, that’s how it is done. I like it. I like what he did there. Did he just use Thor’s Hammer? Yes, Johnny likey.

RH: John. You’re getting verbal diarrhoea.

JM: Sorry aboot that, I’m not a computer

RH: Lovely pitch from Paul to secure a birdie … but Ashton taps in for eagle and its back to all square.

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RH: Two nice tee-shots from both players on the 11th. Paul to approach first.

JM: Not enough muscle into that one.

RH: He’s left himself plenty to do on the green. Now Ashton.

JM: A little off on that approach, but that’s ok

RH: Again? He’s 30ft left, buried in the bunker. How is that ok? Ashton now with his third shot.

JM: He just flayed that out of the bunker. Very nice!

RH: What?

JM: He just filleted that out of the bunker. Very nice. Johnny likey.

RH: That doesn’t make any more sense. Bl00dy Canadian accent. Also, the ball flew the green and is in the rough on the other side. He needs to chip this close.

JM: Great chip shot there. Pure. That's pure. Nice tempo on that chip. Nice and easy. Yes, Johnny likey

RH: What? It was very fast and he still has 10 feet for bogey.

JM: Sorry aboot that, I’m not a computer

RH: Paul now has two shots to par and take the hole.

JM: This one’s on a good line. That’ll work nicely, two birdies in a row for him

RH: That was a par

JM: He’s finding his way around this course. That’s his 6th birdie of the day. Yes, Johnny likey.

RH: What? It was a par

JM: Good work, 7th birdie for today. Yes, Johnny likey.

RH: IT WAS A PAR!

JM: He is 24 under for the round. Yes, Johnny likey.

RH: JOHN! Snap out of it.

JM: Sorry aboot that, I’m not a computer. Yes, Johnny likey. Pure. That's pure. Yes, Johnny likey. Sorry aboot that, I’m not a computer

RH: What’s this switch on the back of your neck?

[Richard flicks the switch and John goes to sleep]

RH: Sorry John. I had to turn you off. You were getting too annoying. Sorry about that, listeners. The golfers have reached the 15th tee and Paul is still 1 Up for the Strikers. That’s strange, Paul is having a chat with the inner circle of the Strikers. There’s Captain Ken, Chief Scorer Art, Head Reporter Mark and even the main man Ben on a tablet via Zoom. What is going on?


[Striker inner circle discussion]

ArtV: Guys, the dream inception plan seems to have worked. The other Strikers have got us across the line

KenW: Are you sure, Art?

AV: Pretty sure.

BenT: This is your first time scoring this Art. Are you sure?

AV: Pretty sure.

MarkL: Paul. If we’ve got it in the bag, I think you should let Ashton win.

PaulM: What? I’m 1 Up with 4 holes to play.

KenW: But we’ve got to think long term. We’ve retained the cup again but we need the inception plan to work at the next Cyder Cup too. It will be more convincing if Ashton thinks he might still win.

PaulM: You’re right there. Plus I want to pretend to be Ross at the next Cyder Cup. It felt good to talk with an Aussie accent. But you’re sure we’ve already got this Art?

AV: Pretty sure.



[Back in the studio]

RH: After that short break at the tee, both players have reached the green in three shots. Ashton has sunk his birdie putt. Paul has this three foot putt to halve … but he’s missed it. Ashton takes the hole and this is back to all square with three holes to play.

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RH: We are at the 16th green and both players have again got short putts for birdie. Ashton goes first and sinks his. Now Paul … oh no, he’s missed again. Ashton goes 1 Up and leads for the first time in this match.

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RH: We are at the 17th green and again both players have got short putts for birdie. Ashton goes first and sinks his. Now Paul … oh no, he’s missed again. Ashton has won 2&1 for the Monarchs. What a turnaround at the end. Thank you to my guest John McCarthy. Till next time. Goodbye.


[On the 18th Green]

[Paul M] Well played Ashton. I thought I had that one but you made a great comeback at the end there.

[Ashton F] Thanks Paul. Don’t worry. Just remember, there is more to Pixel Golf than winning the Cyder Cup.

[Paul walks off the 18th green and approaches the Strikers inner circle]

[PaulM] I did what you asked guys. Are you sure we’ve still won this thing?

[ArtV] Pretty sure.


[The Outside]

[Max] Thanks for your insights today, Bixby. Join us again shortly viewers for the final wrap up.


THE END