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Post by IGolfBad on Mar 17, 2022 23:10:18 GMT -5
Day 3 Singles action featuring Patrick "-GAN Spells" Hannigan from the Monarchs and Mike "Gatorade" Georgiades representing the Strikers
Folks, it's no secret that the American Irishman Patrick spends his competitive weeks in the lofty reaches of CC-A, whilst the Australian Laplander Mike is foundering in the deep trenches of CC-K. It was only after seemingly endless coaxing with a case of Vegemite that Mike came out from the shelter of the bottoms, climbed the ladder to TBCCCV, and took a piss on Patrick's shoes coming out of the clubhouse.
Yes, it was a regular class war, with pre-Posh Boy Hannigan squaring off against pre-Qualifier Dweller Georgiades. The writing was on the wall before the first shot was taken, for Mike never stood a chance.
Turns out, the first shot was taken long before the first tee, for walking up the path to the starter shack, Patrick felt the asphalt below go very soft, very fast. Looking down, he was terrified to discover he had stepped in a healthy sized poo with his brand new patent leather FootJoys, which were white, of course. "Well, s**t," Patrick muttered. 'Ya got that right, mate!" Mike chimed. "Left that there for ya last night, I reckon, it's mostly a blur. But hey! Yer welcome!" The two made their way to the first tee, Patrick scraping and cursing, Mike stumbling and muttering.
As Patrick remained busy with the poop shoe, Mike took the tee, and laced a power drive down the middle, certainly not in line with his CC-K status. "Lucky shot, man..." muttered Patrick. "But let me show you how it's done." Patrick gave the driver a mighty swing, but his back foot, still caked with kaka, slipped on the downswing causing the ball to slice into the first cut. From about 170 yards, deep in the high grass, Patrick called out to Mike. "Do you suppose I can get there with a 5-iron?" Mike pondered carefully before replying "Eventually!"
Mike's birdie wins the hole, and he takes the early 1-up lead.
Next up on the par 5 #2, where Mike found the green in two, and two putted for a birdie, where as Patrick once again took the longer route and was on the green in 3, where he two putted as well, only for par. "Say, Patrick" urged Mike. "You wanna know the secret to good golf?" Down 2 after two, Patrick was looking for any edge he could gain. "Sure, Mike! What's the secret to good golf?" With a knowing wink, Mike stated for the entire crowd to hear, "Hit the ball hard, straight, and not too often."
Patrick finally scraped enough scat from his spikes to regain normal form, as both golfers claimed birdie on #3.
On #4, a 220 yard par 3, Mike took 5-iron and knocked it about 20 yards past the pin, then the ball backed up and rolled to within 3 feet of the cup. Stunned, Patrick once again, mis-hit his tee shot, missing the green entirely. A chip and putt later gave Patrick par, while Mike tapped in the easy bird, and a 3-up lead. "Say, Mike, do you think I could make my 5-iron back up like that?" Mike paused, lost in thought, then replied, "how far can you hit your 5-iron?" Pat boasted proudly "about 160 yards!" to which Mike called back, "well why on Earth would you want that to back up?"
Things improved for Patrick, who took two of the next three holes to bring Mike's lead down to 1-up. Feeling frisky, he elbowed Mike in the ribs and said, "You know, Mike, the best wood in your bag is a pencil."
Weary from the back-and-forth needling, the players went even to finish out the front nine, with Mike still ahead 1-up.
After a couple of Harvey Wallbangers in the clubhouse bar, and each purchasing a pair of Konsta's special x-ray specs to see if they could catch a glimpse of a bare naked lady in the Carol's Locker Room (no sight of Carol, but there was some Canadian guy pacing around muttering "It's been once week since you looked at me..." over and over), the golfers made their way to the 10th tee to put the dear readers out of their endless suffering.
This time it was Mike's turn to go awry, as the strains of "Hold it now and watch the hoodwink, As I make you stop, think, You'll think you're looking at Aquaman" were coming from his face, unable to lose thoughts of bare naked ladies. His tee shot spiraled left, with a hook so powerful, Rocky would have been jealous. He could only recover enough to secure the day's first bogey, as Patrick's regulation par gave him the hole, and rendered things all square. Yes, folks, Mike had and blew a 3-up lead.
Salty from the previous hole's failings, Mike took command once more, this time using a 7-hybrid on the tee of the par 3 #11, and once again, spinning up a beauty of a shot to within 6 inches of the cup. Patrick attempted the same shot and could only watch as his ball fell about 15 yards short of the green before realizing that the 7-hybrid isn't even available in the current iteration of the game. He watched helplessly as Mike tapped in once again, and regained the 1-up lead.
After halving the par 5 #12 (let's face it, folks - #12 is so short we all thought it could have been a par 4 1/2, the way both of these mopes carded birdies with ease. It was only after reviewing the course of the hole that it was discovered that both golfers hit from the ladies' tee. Too late, as the damage was done), Patrick squared things once more, taking birdie on #13, while Mike was too busy trying to poop once more on his opponent's shoes. He quickly discovered his error when the glint of gold in the sunlight made him Mike realize they were Art's shoes, who had inadvertently wandered into this match report from another match report further down the road. Mike was quickly reminded by Art this "would be the last time his shoes would be shat upon by the likes of Katana Mike, and that the free latex gravy train was leaving the station without him."
Devastated, with no possible way things could get any worse for himself, Mike picked up his pace, deciding that enough was enough. Patrick could only look on in utter stupor as Mike proceeded to card 3 on the final 5 holes, netting 3 birdies and a meaningless final hole eagle to overshadow Patrick's four straight pars and a meaningless final hole birdie. When the dust had settled, Mike stood breathless, and let loose his bowels one final time, while Patrick could only stand by helpless and ankle deep in Katana droppings, asking "How do you do it, Mike? How is it that you seem to be so full of s**t all the time?" Mike smiled and whispered, "it's my daily golf routine, son... I live on a steady diet of greens and water."
Strikers win 3&1
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Post by coggin66 on Mar 18, 2022 2:40:50 GMT -5
Day 3 - Singles:
Leon Anderson vs Mark Buenger
GUEST COMMENTATORS #2 - BOXING
[In the Press Office] Ace: Where is that Dick Head? He is meant to be commentating on today’s match Ken: I’m afraid he is not going to make it in time Ace: Why not? Ken: After yesterday’s interview, Les asked Dick to join him at Elsa’s Mobile Ice Palace. Something about needing help with building an Eiffel Tower. Apparently Les misheard the safe word and until they said the right one she wouldn’t let them out of the ice straps and chains. Dick has to wait until the ice melts before he can get back to the studio. Ace: So who are we going to use instead? Ken: The boxing commentators are available. Ace: OK. They’ll do. . . Voiceover Guy: The following broadcast is rated PG. Parental guidance is recommended. We are now crossing to our live coverage of Day 3 of the Brew Crew Cyder Cup V. Mr Head was unavailable for today’s commentary so we have brought in our Boxing commentators to present this show. [Intro Music plays] WP: Welcome to our live commentary stream for Day 3 of the Brew Crew Cyder Cup V brought to you by Dickens Cyder. My name is Wally Ping. You’ve joined us for the prize fight between Leon Anderson and Mark Buenger. Down at the ring-side we have the wonderful Olive Foruffen-Tumble who will be able to get close to the action. Olive, are you looking forward to this fight? OFT: I sure am Wally. This looks like an evenly matched fight and I’m expecting them to go blow for blow to the end. WP: Thanks Olive. Here comes today’s MC to announce the two fighters. Elsa: My name is Elsa of Arendelle and I want to welcome you to Day Three of Cyder Cup V, sponsored by Dickens Cyder. Special thanks to Les and Dick. Je t’aime le Tour Eiffel. Let’s get this fight going.
[‘Eye of the Tiger’ by Survivor starts blasting from the loudspeakers] Elsa: In the red corner, he’s the Chunder from Down Under, he’s TGC’s own Mr Fixtures, Leon “The Tiger” Anderson
[The Monarch’s crowd go crazy as Leon enters the first tee arena] [The music switches to ‘I Write The Songs That Make The Whole World Sing’ by Barry Manilow] Elsa: In the blue corner, he’s the Markiest of the Strikers’ Marky Marks, he’s the Bernie Taupin of TGC, Mark “The Bard” Buenger
[The Striker’s crowd erupts as Mark enters the first tee arena] Elsa: Leon & Mark, let’s get ready to rumble!!!
WP: Olive, how are the two opponents looking? OFT: They are both looking in great shape. These two are very different fighters. Leon is all brute force whereas for Mark it is all about the footwork and his movement around the ring. They are facing off and about to get under way. From here at the ringside I can hear that Mark is taunting Leon with a song … Mark: “Northern Lights will guide me home, against Mr Fixture”
OFT: Leon has given a growl back. Back to you Wally WP: Thanks Olive. We have 18 rounds in this fight tonight. And there goes the bell for Round 1. . . WP: They went blow for blow in that round. I’d say that round was even OFT: I agree Wally. Both fighters still looking fresh and looking for their opponent’s weakness. They are facing off for Round 2. Mark is doing it again … Mark: “In the jungle, the mighty jungle the Leon sleeps tonight …”
OFT: Leon has roared in Mark’s face after that one. There goes the bell for Round 2 . . WP: Round 2 over and boy did Leon come out firing that round. He landed some blows and won that round. OFT: Mark might be paying the price for goading his opponent. They are ready for Round 3 . . WP: Leon is still fired up and won that round too. OFT: Mark is looking a little dazed at the moment . . WP: That’s the end of Round 5. I think Round 4 was fairly even but I think Leon won that last round too. OFT: I agree Wally. Leon’s won three rounds while Mark hasn’t won any yet. Mark’s footwork is starting to improve but he is yet to land any meaningful blows against the raging tiger. . . WP: The bell goes for Round 8 and finally I think Mark wins a round. OFT: Yes. They were even in rounds 6 and 7 but Leon really stumbled at that one and Mark finally landed some punches. Leon is now two rounds ahead. WP: Do you think this might be the turning of the tide? OFT: Maybe. . . WP: Rounds 9 to 11 were fairly even. They are about to go back out for Round 12. How are the two fighters looking OFT: Both of them are starting to look a little tired. This next round could be crucial. Oh no, Mark is taunting Leon again. Mark: “You know I’m bard, I’m bard, I’m really, really bard”
OFT: That's a disturbing look from Leon. He’s got a grin on him like a tiger about to devour its prey . . WP: That Round 12 was ferocious from Leon. He easily won that one. I make that a 3 round lead at the moment. OFT: I agree Wally. Mark needs to strike back soon . . WP: The bell goes for the end of Round 15. After two quiet rounds where both players were trying to conserve their energy, Mark finally came out swinging in that one. A lovely 1-2 punch to take that round. OFT: Yes Wally. Mark is now only two rounds behind with 3 rounds to go. WP: Will Mark’s fancy footwork let him come home stronger? OFT: It might. Here they come for Round 16. Mark can’t help himself Mark: ‘Leon me, You’re not strong’
OFT: He hasn’t learnt his lesson that this taunting just fires the Tiger back up. Leon is snarling now. His hair is standing on end. . . WP: That’s the end of Round 17. Round 16 was even but I’m not sure about that one. Olive? OFT: I think that was even as well. The referee is conferring with the judges … The referee is calling it. It’s all over. He’s seen enough and he’s not letting Mark carry on. WP: It looks like Leon won that by 2 rounds with only 1 round to go. It wasn’t a knock-out but the referee had seen enough. OFT: Leon is grinning like a Cheshire cat now. He’s gone over to his opponent to shake hands. He looks like he is going to sing something to Mark? Leon: “Words, don’t come easy to you now”
WP: Thanks Olive. We’ve seen a great fight here but Leon in the Monarch’s red corner has come away victorious. That’s all from us today. Thanks to Olive for her insights. I’ve been your host, Wally Ping. Goodnight. 
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Post by Art Vandelay on Mar 18, 2022 3:06:01 GMT -5
I am lodging an official complaint: I now have Barry Manilow songs running through my head.
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Post by SkyBlueBen on Mar 18, 2022 4:25:45 GMT -5
Ben Tough, Daily Striker sports journalist reporting from the Northern Lights. Day 3 doesn't start that great. Summoned by the Editor to get my backside in early to Daily Striker Towers. I'm ushered straight into the bosses office. Mark L "We've had a few letters from our readers complaining that our coverage of The Cider Cup V is biased" (points to 5 inch high pile of letters) Me "Ahhhhh, don't see it myself." Mark L "I've had a good rustle through and from what I can see they are all in the same handwriting and the spelling is atrocious. I reckon it's all the work of that Monarch's captain or one of his sidekicks TweedleDum and TweedleDee."  Mark L "Anyhow I've filed them. In the bin. Carry on regardless." Mark L "Oh and before you go off I have some good news. The Police are not pressing charges after the shenanigans on Day 1. Paige has approached us and will withdraw her complaint if we pay her a bit of compensation and offer her a regular feature on Page 3 (ref The Sun 1980's!). After careful consideration I snapped her hand off and requested that she send us some photo's to use in an unmarked brown envelope. I can see you getting a shiny trophy at the Press Awards for this scoop! Now get your arse out of my office and go and earn your bucks" So all in all with a nice result in my back pocket I set out for Northern Lights to see what the day would bring. Day 3 Match 8Couldn't get near the 1st tee as it was swamped with more fangirls than a Bay City Rollers concert...should have known It was the darling of the blue rinse brigade, the Man With The Golden Bum Art Vandelay lining up for the Strikers...the fangirls were desperate to get a piece of the golden member...  ...while his opponent the stylish Lucas InThisStyle had obviously been and spent his own dollars on his shiny red Monarchs uniform...  The golfers kept their composure and kicked off what promised to be a very tight encounter. Lucas took advantage of Art having to keep his fangirls from his golden member and slipped into a lucky 3 shot lead by the 6th hole. Strikers Captain Ken fearing the worst saw something needed to be done, grabbed a megaphone and screamed into it "Brad Pitt spotted on the 18th fairway!!" A collective Oooohh was heard from the predominantly female crowd and Lucas was trampled in the stampede of girls heading to the 18th. A superb Art reeled off 4 consecutive birdies with some showboating golf as the bedraggled Lucas tried to pull himself together. Art, one shot up was showing us all his tricks...  Suddenly in the distance a screaming noise was building. Ken's trick hadn't worked and the fangirls were heading back to get their golden slice...  Lucas took full advantage of Art being mobbed taking both the 13th and 14th to get his nose back in front and his eyes on the point. Did Art have anything left? Oh yes, he has plenty to go around and a superb chip on the 16th pulled things back level. Both finished par/birdie and honours were even. Art, being the great man he is, shook hands with Lucas, congratulated him on a hard fought match, and strolled off into the distance with a few of his harem (don't tell Mrs V). Got the two Captain's together. Ashton was complaining that there is no room in golf for this hysteria and was unfair on his player. Ken said he was disappointed that Art didn't get the win he deserved and hopes Lucas realises how lucky he was to share the point. Match Result: All Square
ONWARD!!! |
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Post by Art Vandelay on Mar 18, 2022 4:53:46 GMT -5
Was a great match Lucas, quite surprised you did not rise to the occasion. Also surprised at the fan girls, expected their grannies. Guess my talents cross the generational divide  Onward Strikers! |
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Post by SkyBlueBen on Mar 18, 2022 4:57:58 GMT -5
Was a great match Lucas, quite surprised you did not rise to the occasion. Also surprised at the fan girls, expected their grannies. Guess my talents cross the generational divide  Onward Strikers! I was being kind as you're a Striker... Dream....  Reality....  |
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Post by Art Vandelay on Mar 18, 2022 4:59:01 GMT -5
Grannie looks nimble
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Post by inflames47 on Mar 18, 2022 6:55:21 GMT -5
Day 3 Singles Match 9 On the tee we have Paul ‘The Candy Man’ Davies thetaffman and Sir Sean’ Connery’ Prowse prowse00 . The players walked up to greet each other with a handshake and exchange a few words. Paul to Sean: Mae dy wyneb yn edrych fel asyn dafad! Sean to Paul:A bheil thu airson gaol a thoirt dha? Sports Desk had to call in a translator David The Banker Stevenson dave69 Mr. Stevenson can you tell us what words were exchanged between the players prior to tee off? Well, I am a bit rusty so probably shouldn’t quote me, but I do believe Paul said to Sean ‘Your face looks like a sheep’s arse’ and Sean replied : Are ya looking to make love to it? Sports Desk :Ok, then. Thanks Mr. Stevenson for your very informative translation. Looks like there is going to be a battle out there today. Mr. Stevenson: No worries if you need me I will be in the clubhouse cooking a fine lunch for the boys Haggis with some nips and tatties, Glamorgan sausage and Pwdin Eva for dessert. Sports Desk: Umm, ok well I have already eaten, but I am sure it is lovely. I see the boys are ready to tee off. First one up to tee off is Paul, he pulls out a piece of Salt water Taffy, unwraps, and pops into his mouth to enjoy ‘His favorite Color Cherry Red’. He really hoped to tee off last, but like a Rolling Stone, you can’t get what you always want. He hits a line drive down the middle of the fairway and has an easy 2nd shot to the green. Next up is Sir Sean Connery, who unfortunately is suffering from a bit of dementia. He was allowed to bring his physician, Dr. No to standby in case he forgets where his ball(s)are located. Sir Sean hits a lovely drive and both miss a chance at birdie, but sink their putts for par and are A/S after 1st hole. Off to the 2nd hole Par 5 where both players managed to get to green in 3, and no chance for eagle for either one. The Candy Man pulls out another piece of taffy from his pocket, tosses the wrapper on the green and lines up his putt for birdie but misses. Sean approaches his ball, lines up and is about to hit his ball. Little does he know he has lined himself up to the candy wrapping left on the green by The Candy Man. The Marshall informed Sir Sean and directed him to where his ball lay, and he easily sank his putt for birdie. As he bends over and retrieves his ball from the cup. The Candy Man quickly rushed over to Sir Sean and whispers in his ear ‘ You forgot your knickers this morning, I had a clear view of your Molly Maguires!’ Strikers Up by 1 Not to be deterred from missing his putt, The Candy Man started whistling his favorite tune by Sammy Davis, Jr. and birdied the 3rd hole bringing it to A/S but then made an amazing eagle on the 4th from the fairway, Monarchs up by 1. A bit annoyed by the whistling from his opponent, and feeling it was distracting his game, Sir Connery called over the field Marshall to complain .That's just as bad as listening to the Beatles without earmuffs, my head is minced !! The Candy Man was warned to not disturb his opponent .Feeling bad he might have caused some ill will, offered Sean his apologies and a piece of taffy. Sir Sean declined . 'Ar ya Daft man, that shite will rot your teeth, you’ll look like a member of the Duck Dynasty cast!’ Hole 5 and 6 were uneventful, with both parties hitting par. Hole 7 par 3: The Candy Man hit a great shot onto the green and it rolled inches from the cup, assuring he would at least get a birdie. Sir Sean seemed a bit perplexed and confused and looked around even checking his golf bag when it was his turn to hit. Dr. No creeped up to him and said ‘I don’t understand what you are looking for?’ Raising his eyebrows, Sir Sean turned around and shouted What don't you understand? I found the cure for the @!$#ing plague of the twentieth century and now I've lost it!!!’ Dr. No had to convince him that he could look for the cure in the 21st century as the there was a pandemic going on. Sean agreed to continue his game but he overshot the green. He had fantastic splash shot, but unfortunately missed the hole and The Candy Man got his bird. Monarchs 2 up. Hole 8 all square, nothing notable. Hole 9 The Candy Man ran out of taffy and steam as he bogies and loses the hole to the Strikers . Monarchs are now 1 up at the turn. After having lunch prepared and complimenting the Chef David Stevenson on the Haggis, Sir Sean had honors on the 10th tee. But The Candy Man, who raided the candy dish back at the clubhouse, was not shaken but stirred, was not going to let Sir Sean get ahead. He managed to birdie the 10. Monarchs 2 up. The 11th hole both teams managed to par and Par five 12th hole was was next. Sir Sean needed to get something back here, called in Dr. No, and asked for a relaxant to help loosen him up a bit. Completely baffled by his request and accent, Dr. No inadvertently gave him a laxative pill, not a valium. But with all that sugar in The Candy Man’s tummy, he was pretty hyped, was able to birdie the hole and take another point Monarchs 3 up. Sir Sean leaning over to place his peg in the ground, lets out one long 'flutter doodle' and felt some immediate relief, birdies 13. Monarchs 2 up. The pressure's building, especially in Sir Sean's stomach, as that laxative was starting to work its magic. He knew there weren’t any restrooms from here on in and implored The Candy Man to stop sucking on candy, move the game along quickly or he will shite his pants. The Candy Man laughed and reminded the old goat he wasn’t wearing his knickers and that would be a hell of a clean up for the greenskeeper, but managed to speed up a bit and take the hole and match Monarchs 3 up with 4 to play. Feeling somewhat bad for the predicament facing his opponent the last hole he picked up pace. With both getting par on 15th and 3 to play, it was looking good for the Monarchs team. The Candy man birdied 16 to put them 4 up with 2 to play, he held on for a par on 16, and with no holes left recover this match is over. Monarchs Win 4 / 2 Before rushing off to the clubhouse to relieve himself Sir Sean congratulated The Candy man. “You know, the Oscar I was awarded for The Untouchables is a wonderful thing, but I can honestly say that I’d rather have won this Cyder Cup Match.” The Candy man respond Wild horses Couldn't drag me away. The Marshall was not impressed at The Candy tossing his wrapping to the ground and immediately called in custodial services manned by Les Sangster lessangster He was not pleased after being fired from last 3 positions, Honorary Guest, Course Photographer, and then Commentator to now be a greens keeper and having just cleaned up after Sid Snott’s sid snott match and tissues scattered about the course. Be happy your not cleaning up after Sir Sean, the Marshall noted, and said get back to work or you will be looking for another job. |
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Post by evilgrin72 on Mar 18, 2022 9:17:29 GMT -5
Day 3 Singles - Dominique Bois vs Mark Lawrence
Dom started out very slowly in this one with a double bogey on the first hole, gifting Mark a quick 1-up lead, which he then doubled at the 4th with a birdie. Resplendent in a fine mesh tank-top and assless chaps, Mark fairly strutted to the tee at #6 carrying the 2-hole cushion and giving his fans lining the tee box a show with some flexing. Two ladies from the crowd broke through with some baby oil and started greasing him up for his victory lap (word was, they were escapees from the nearby hospice) when Dom responded with a magnificent birdie to trim the lead to 1. After a split on #7 that saw Dom focusing on his golf while Mark did a 3-beer funnel with a shot of tequila in it, things began to disintegrate for Mark. His coach, the venerable sensei John Kreese, instructed him to "sweep the leg... Do you have a problem with that, Mr. Lawrence?" Rather than sweep the leg, though, Mark proceeded to piss down his own, starting a bogey-par-bogey-double run that enabled Dom to sweep the next 4 holes and quickly flip a 1 up lead for the Strikers to a 3-up lead for the Monarchs.
After a half on 12, Dom brilliantly birdied 13 and suddenly, Mark was on the precipice of defeat, sitting 4 down with 5 to play. After vomiting in the bushes off the 14th tee to clear some valuable real estate and wolfing down a slice of pizza with anchovies he'd stolen from an onlooker, mark rallied and dropped a magnificent bird of his own to pull the outcome back into doubt. However, any questions were dispelled when Dom dropped his tee shot on the par 3 15th to 5 feet and coolly dropped the birdie putt to win the hole and salt away the match. When asked after the match about his collapse, Mark replied:
"Where did you say that hospice facility was?"
Monarchs win 4 & 3
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Post by SkyBlueBen on Mar 18, 2022 9:47:15 GMT -5
Gentle reminder for The Monarchs Daniel xxdannyxxo and Randy Z zooby97. Round 3 deadline at 23.59 GMT (9 hours to go). |
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Post by sid snott on Mar 18, 2022 12:56:21 GMT -5
Gentle reminder for The Monarchs Daniel xxdannyxxo and Randy Z zooby97. Round 3 deadline at 23.59 GMT (9 hours to go). Yeah come on guys, me inks drying out waiting |
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Post by thetaffman on Mar 18, 2022 13:41:19 GMT -5
Day 3 Singles Match 9 On the tee we have Paul ‘The Candy Man’ Davies thetaffman and Sir Sean’ Connery’ Prowse prowse00 . The players walked up to greet each other with a handshake and exchange a few words. Paul to Sean: Mae dy wyneb yn edrych fel asyn dafad! Sean to Paul:A bheil thu airson gaol a thoirt dha? Sports Desk had to call in a translator David The Banker Stevenson dave69 Mr. Stevenson can you tell us what words were exchanged between the players prior to tee off? Well, I am a bit rusty so probably shouldn’t quote me, but I do believe Paul said to Sean ‘Your face looks like a sheep’s arse’ and Sean replied : Are ya looking to make love to it? Sports Desk :Ok, then. Thanks Mr. Stevenson for your very informative translation. Looks like there is going to be a battle out there today. Mr. Stevenson: No worries if you need me I will be in the clubhouse cooking a fine lunch for the boys Haggis with some nips and tatties, Glamorgan sausage and Pwdin Eva for dessert. Sports Desk: Umm, ok well I have already eaten, but I am sure it is lovely. I see the boys are ready to tee off. First one up to tee off is Paul, he pulls out a piece of Salt water Taffy, unwraps, and pops into his mouth to enjoy ‘His favorite Color Cherry Red’. He really hoped to tee off last, but like a Rolling Stone, you can’t get what you always want. He hits a line drive down the middle of the fairway and has an easy 2nd shot to the green. Next up is Sir Sean Connery, who unfortunately is suffering from a bit of dementia. He was allowed to bring his physician, Dr. No to standby in case he forgets where his ball(s)are located. Sir Sean hits a lovely drive and both miss a chance at birdie, but sink their putts for par and are A/S after 1st hole. Off to the 2nd hole Par 5 where both players managed to get to green in 3, and no chance for eagle for either one. The Candy Man pulls out another piece of taffy from his pocket, tosses the wrapper on the green and lines up his putt for birdie but misses. Sean approaches his ball, lines up and is about to hit his ball. Little does he know he has lined himself up to the candy wrapping left on the green by The Candy Man. The Marshall informed Sir Sean and directed him to where his ball lay, and he easily sank his putt for birdie. As he bends over and retrieves his ball from the cup. The Candy Man quickly rushed over to Sir Sean and whispers in his ear ‘ You forgot your knickers this morning, I had a clear view of your Molly Maguires!’ Strikers Up by 1 Not to be deterred from missing his putt, The Candy Man started whistling his favorite tune by Sammy Davis, Jr. and birdied the 3rd hole bringing it to A/S but then made an amazing eagle on the 4th from the fairway, Monarchs up by 1. A bit annoyed by the whistling from his opponent, and feeling it was distracting his game, Sir Connery called over the field Marshall to complain .That's just as bad as listening to the Beatles without earmuffs, my head is minced !! The Candy Man was warned to not disturb his opponent .Feeling bad he might have caused some ill will, offered Sean his apologies and a piece of taffy. Sir Sean declined . 'Ar ya Daft man, that shite will rot your teeth, you’ll look like a member of the Duck Dynasty cast!’ Hole 5 and 6 were uneventful, with both parties hitting par. Hole 7 par 3: The Candy Man hit a great shot onto the green and it rolled inches from the cup, assuring he would at least get a birdie. Sir Sean seemed a bit perplexed and confused and looked around even checking his golf bag when it was his turn to hit. Dr. No creeped up to him and said ‘I don’t understand what you are looking for?’ Raising his eyebrows, Sir Sean turned around and shouted What don't you understand? I found the cure for the @!$#ing plague of the twentieth century and now I've lost it!!!’ Dr. No had to convince him that he could look for the cure in the 21st century as the there was a pandemic going on. Sean agreed to continue his game but he overshot the green. He had fantastic splash shot, but unfortunately missed the hole and The Candy Man got his bird. Monarchs 2 up. Hole 8 all square, nothing notable. Hole 9 The Candy Man ran out of taffy and steam as he bogies and loses the hole to the Strikers . Monarchs are now 1 up at the turn. After having lunch prepared and complimenting the Chef David Stevenson on the Haggis, Sir Sean had honors on the 10th tee. But The Candy Man, who raided the candy dish back at the clubhouse, was not shaken but stirred, was not going to let Sir Sean get ahead. He managed to birdie the 10. Monarchs 2 up. The 11th hole both teams managed to par and Par five 12th hole was was next. Sir Sean needed to get something back here, called in Dr. No, and asked for a relaxant to help loosen him up a bit. Completely baffled by his request and accent, Dr. No inadvertently gave him a laxative pill, not a valium. But with all that sugar in The Candy Man’s tummy, he was pretty hyped, was able to birdie the hole and take another point Monarchs 3 up. Sir Sean leaning over to place his peg in the ground, lets out one long 'flutter doodle' and felt some immediate relief, birdies 13. Monarchs 2 up. The pressure's building, especially in Sir Sean's stomach, as that laxative was starting to work its magic. He knew there weren’t any restrooms from here on in and implored The Candy Man to stop sucking on candy, move the game along quickly or he will shite his pants. The Candy Man laughed and reminded the old goat he wasn’t wearing his knickers and that would be a hell of a clean up for the greenskeeper, but managed to speed up a bit and take the hole and match Monarchs 3 up with 4 to play. Feeling somewhat bad for the predicament facing his opponent the last hole he picked up pace. With both getting par on 15th and 3 to play, it was looking good for the Monarchs team. The Candy man birdied 16 to put them 4 up with 2 to play, he held on for a par on 16, and with no holes left recover this match is over. Monarchs Win 4 / 2 Before rushing off to the clubhouse to relieve himself Sir Sean congratulated The Candy man. “You know, the Oscar I was awarded for The Untouchables is a wonderful thing, but I can honestly say that I’d rather have won this Cyder Cup Match.” The Candy man respond Wild horses Couldn't drag me away. The Marshall was not impressed at The Candy tossing his wrapping to the ground and immediately called in custodial services manned by Les Sangster lessangster He was not pleased after being fired from last 3 positions, Honorary Guest, Course Photographer, and then Commentator to now be a greens keeper and having just cleaned up after Sid Snott’s sid snott match and tissues scattered about the course. Be happy your not cleaning up after Sir Sean, the Marshall noted, and said get back to work or you will be looking for another job. With the new nickname.. Do I have to use the candy can putter now? 😁 |
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Post by Harveydog500 on Mar 18, 2022 14:27:54 GMT -5
Day 3 Match 3 –Singles – Monarchs Marc “Crocky” van Niekerk vs. Strikers Pat “Witcher” O’Dell
Yet another update with the help of CliffsNotes. Cliff was an upstanding guy: like that time he saved a baby from immediate danger…  Summary: Tough course. Ran out of hankies. Marc arrived at the course early to do some warm-up stretches and hit a couple of practice drives. He saw a symbol carved into the ground at first tee: A white wolf with windswept fur and big fangs… “What the…” Pat walked up looking kind of rough with long, white scraggly hair, scars, and scratches all over. “Did you have a wreck or something on the way over? Are you alright?” “No. I’m fine, Marc. Let’s get started.” “Pat, I’ve got some bottled water and a couple six packs of Castle Lager in the cooler if you’re interested." “I’m fine.” “OK.” At the end of the first five holes things were pretty close with Pat 1 UP. Marc walked to the back of the golf cart to grab beer and sees Pat down a small glass vial of black liquid…  “What’s that?” “Just vitamins.”  “OK.” They halve the 6th but after that it gets strange. Marc realizes his ball suddenly has mind of its own. Going in directions that he didn’t hit it. “What the… Did you see that?”  “No.” Long story short, Pat dominated the rest of the way even with Marc’s impressive birdie on the 18th. Too little too late, I’m afraid. At the end of the round, after shaking hands, Pat whistled loud and yelled ‘Roach!” A horse came galloping over the rise. Pat climbed on, got his prize...  and rode off. As Marc was loading his clubs on the cart, Randy and Danny drove up to finish their round. Danny pointed to the pile of horse$hit left on the 18th green, “Hey dude, you gonna clean that up?” Strikers 5&3
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Post by zooby97 on Mar 18, 2022 15:31:06 GMT -5
Gentle reminder for The Monarchs Daniel xxdannyxxo and Randy Z zooby97 . Round 3 deadline at 23.59 GMT (9 hours to go). Just got home from Las Vegas about 3 hours ago. Took the red eye back and had to get some rest. I’m warming up the stick now. |
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Post by zooby97 on Mar 18, 2022 15:43:06 GMT -5
Gentle reminder for The Monarchs Daniel xxdannyxxo and Randy Z zooby97 . Round 3 deadline at 23.59 GMT (9 hours to go). Yeah come on guys, me inks drying out waiting I’m starting my round soon. I played Rounds 1 and 2 on Sunday, then flew to Vegas Monday AM and returned today. I was also thinking I had more time, lol. It is a good thing I woke up from my little nap an hour ago. I had midnight eastern standard time and then realized it was Greenwich Mean Time. It is currently 20:43pm Greenwich time. |
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