Day 2 - Pairs - Better Ball Matchplay:
Charles Lindbergh & Carol Santapaula v Mark Murray & Mark Lawrence
JOINING ME IN THE COMMENTARY BOX TODAY …
#3 - LES SANGSTER
Voiceover Guy:
The following broadcast is rated MA15+. It may contain sexual references. It is not suitable for children under 15.
[Intro Music plays]
RH: Welcome to our live commentary stream for Day 2 of The Brew Crew Cyder Cup V. I'm your host Richard Head. Joining me in the commentary box today is one half of TGC’s Statler and Waldorf, Mr Les Sangster. Welcome Les.
Les: ‘Ow do, Dickie. Good t’ be here.
RH: So Les, you decided not to play in this Cyder Cup.
Les: Yer what?
RH: You decided not to play in this Cyder Cup.
Les: You’ll have t’ speak up, as I’m having trouble with me hearin’. I’ve been spendin’ too much time buildin’ trains recently. Noisy buggers, them trains.
RH: Let me turn your headphones up a bit. You decided not to play in this Cyder Cup.
Les: That’s right Dickie. I haven’t told many people this, but I’m not playin’ the ol’ pixel golf very well at the moment. I thought the Monarchs would have better chance without me.
RH: And your Captain was OK with that, Ashton Fox?
Les: Yes, quite a lot recently. Well you do when you’re newly weds.
RH: I said FOX!
LS: Sorry Dickie. Hearing problems.
RH: OK. Let’s get to today’s match. Listeners, today we have a pairs, better-ball match between the husband and wife team of Charles Lindbergh and Carol Santapaula for the Monarchs against the two Marks, Murray and Lawrence, for the Strikers. Let's cross to the first tee where Elsa of Arendelle is about to announce the players
Elsa: My name is Elsa of Arendelle and I want to welcome you to Day Two of Cyder Cup V, sponsored by Dickens Cyder. Teeing off first for the Strongbow Strikers we have Mark “horusphoenix” Murray and Mark “igolfbad” Lawrence. “Let it go”, boys.
[Both Marks hit their drives down the middle]
Elsa: Teeing off next, for the Magnar Monarchs, are Charles “deathstar” Lindbergh and Carol “inflames” Santapaula. You better hit it “Into the Unknown”
[Both Carol and Charles find the fairway too]
RH: Four great tee-shots to start this match. Les, what are your thoughts on the Monarch’s vice-captain, Carol Santapaula over there?
Les: Yes, she did. Very thoughtful. A lovely knitted one for Xmas.
RH: What?
Les: Pullover. Carol sent me one for Xmas. With Grumpy in bold letters knitted across it.
RH: Never mind. And Charles Lindbergh is a quality player too.
Les: Yer damn right there. I met him when I was but a wee lad. He flew that Spirit of St Louis plane single-handed-like across the Atlantic. Amazing stuff. He’s doing well for 120 years old. They do say, you're only as old as t’ woman you feel.
RH: OK. Let’s go back to the golf
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[Meanwhile on the 1st fairway …]
Mark: How are we going to tell each other apart when we’re talking?
Mark: Didn’t they call you “Ace” in the last Cyder Cup?
Ace: They did. Good idea.
Mark: I think this is going to be a tough match
Ace: You are right. Charles has got the dark side of the Force on his side.
Mark: I might need to use some magic then.
Ace: What?
Mark: How do you think I got the name “horusphoenix”? I’m a member of The Order of the Phoenix.
Ace: You went to Hogwarts?
Mark: Sure did. I’m a proud Hufflepuff. I don’t usually let the Muggles know
Ace: You kept that quiet. Maybe we have a chance after all
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[Back in the studio]
RH: A lovely birdie there from Mark Murray on the 1st to put the Strikers 1 Up. Mark is a rookie for the Strikers this year. You would have seen a lot of horusphoenix on the XBox
Les: Wh0res for nix? Free? On the Xbox? Can you show me where to find them?
RH: Let me turn up those headphones a bit more. HORUSPHOENIX ON THE XBOX is a good player
Les: Yep. Nowt better on t’ XBox
RH: Looks like they halved the second hole and are now on the 3rd fairway
[On the 3rd fairway]
Ace: The Monarchs and you are all close to the pin with your approaches. Can you try some of that magic on me?
Mark: OK. “Winholium Markiosa”
[Ace hits the ball in typical erratic fashion and it flies off to the left before a sudden gust of wind blows it back to green. The ball bounces twice and drops into the hole for an eagle]
[In the studio]
RH: What an incredible eagle from Mark Lawrence to win the hole.
Les: Bl00dy magic shot.
RH: That takes the Strikers to 2 Up … They are on the 4th tee now and Mark Murray has hit another perfect tee shot and it has stopped 10 inches from the hole. Both Mark Lawrence and Carol have missed the green. Charles has hit a cracking shot to only 8 inches. This should be a half.
[On the 4th green]
Ace: Carol and I got up and down for our pars. You’ve holed yours for birdie. Can you use some magic here to make Charles miss so we can go 3 Up.
Mark: OK
[Charles hits his putt …]
Mark: “Putterificus Totalus”
[One inch from the hole the ball stops dead like it has hit a wall]
[In the studio]
RH: How did that putt miss?
Les: Charles missed that! Even I could have got that one in.
RH: Well that takes the Strikers to 3 UP after 4 holes. The Monarchs need to get going soon if they want to stay in this match. Back to the 5th tee.
[On the 5th tee]
Carol: What the fcuk happened there, my dear?
Charles: I felt a strange disturbance in the force
Carol: My female intuition also tells me there is something fishy going on.
Charles: l will have to use some of my force powers. Nothing can defeat the dark side of the Force
Carol: Settle down dear, but let’s start using some of those powers. And please, something more effective than “Force Boil” because that doesn’t work. That is just me turning the kettle on.
Charles: Yes, master
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[Back in the studio]
RH: Charles and Mark Murray both birdied the 5th hole with some perfect shots to halve that one. All four players are on the 6th green putting for birdies.
[On the 6th green]
Carol: We need to get one back here, dear. Ace-hole has missed his birdie putt. Can you do something to make Mr Perfect miss?
Charles: I’ll try.
[Mark Murray hits his 10 footer towards the hole and it looks like it is heading for the centre of the cup]
Charles: “Force push”
[As the ball approaches the hole, a sudden gust of wind pushes the ball away from the hole and it misses. Mark Murray taps in for par]
Carol: Yes! We got one back. Good job dear
[In the studio]
RH: The Strikers back to 2Up. I can’t believe how much that ball moved at the end there.
Les: It is a Canuck green so anything is possible.
RH: Carol is looking much happier after that hole. She’s even started singing. Do you have a favourite song, Les?
Les: Yes. I like that one about puddin’ by Boney M
RH: How does that one go?
Les: You know the one. It starts “Ra Ra Rice Puddin’, loved by the Russian queen”. What about you, Dickie?
RH: I really like that “Pina Colada Song”. You know how it goes, “I like a Pina Colada …”
Les: I’ve never understood why they wrote a song about enjoying a p!ss on a legendary Formula One driver.
RH: Pardon?
Les: Like you said, “I like to pee on Niki Lauda”. Bl00dy disrespectful if you ask me.
RH: You really need to get a hearing aid, Les. Let’s get back to the golf.
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RH: Well they halved the last three holes and have reached the turn with the Strikers 2 Up. It looks like the Strikers new Vice Captain is bringing some refreshments out for his players.
Les: Who is their new Vice Captain?
RH: Paul Matchen
Les: If you say so.
RH: Ouch! Why did you do that?
Les: You said “Pull my chin”. Anyway, what’s his name?
RH: Paul Matchen … Stop! Leave my face alone. It’s PAUL MATCH-EN
Les: OK. Got it, Dickie. You're lucky his name wasn’t Paul Mardik or Phil Mahole.
[Meanwhile on the 10th tee]
Ace: We need some more magic from you to get back to 3 Up
Mark: I just hit a perfect drive.
Ace: I meant for me.
Mark: OK. Get ready to swing … “Perfecto Explodus”
[Boom!]
Ace: Wow! That must be the best drive I’ve ever hit. Straight as an arrow and 100 yards past everyone else.
[In the studio]
RH: Mark Murray has hit a perfect approach shot to within 3 feet. Charles and Carol have both missed the green. Let’s see what Mark Lawrence does after that rocket of a tee shot. He only has a 60 yard pitch. Oh no, he’s hit it 98% and the ball has only gone 50% distance and landed short into the front bunker.
Les: What a wasted chance!
RH: Carol and Mark Lawrence have both bogied. Charles has his par. Mark has this putt to take the Strikers back to 3 Up.
[On the 10th Green]
Ace: Mark, I think Charles is using his force powers against us. Watch out for this putt.
Mark: No worries. I’ve got my counter-curse ready.
[Mark lines up his putt]
Charles: “Force choke”
[Mark’s putting stroke looks like he might have a case of the yips …]
Mark: “Nomissius”
[...but the ball still goes straight into the hole]
[In the studio]
RH: The Strikers are back to 3 Up. An interesting power struggle in this match.
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RH: Well they halved the 11th and the 12th holes and we rejoin the play on the 13th green, where Carol and Mark Murray have parred and Mark Lawrence has a bogey. Charles has this long putt for a birdie and a chance to get a hole back.
Les: Go on Charles!
[On the 13th green]
Carol: Use the force, dear
Charles: OK. “Force drain”
[And he drains the putt for birdie]
Carol: Yes. Keep this up and you might get some Twilek fun tonight
Charles: I love it when you talk blue.
[In the studio]
RH: The Strikers are back to 2 Up. It looks like it’s getting serious. The Marks are having a pep-talk with their Coggin.
Les: In what? David and I did that with Snow White in the last Cyder Cup. Fun times!
RH: COGG not c0ck! I was referring to the Strikers Captain, Ken.
Les: That makes more sense.
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RH: After two more halves on 14 and 15 we reach the 16th hole and the Strikers are 2 Up with 3 to play. Can they finish it off at this hole?
Les: Mark Murray has been playing perfectly. He ain’t done nowt wrong all day.
RH: He has been playing superbly today. They have all reached the green in two. Let’s see how they go with their putts.
[On the 16th green]
Ace: Charles, Carol & I have only managed pars on this one so we are guaranteed to go to dormie two. If you hole this one we will win the match. This is a tricky Canucking putt. Are you going to use some magic to guarantee the win?
Mark: No. We’ll save that for the 18th if we need it. Wish me luck.
[Mark aims three feet to the right of the pin but he judges the borrow perfectly and it just drops into the hole for a birdie.
Ace: Yes!
[The Strikers crowd go wild. After shaking hands with their opponents, the two Marks walk off the green]
Ace: Well played Mark. I think every shot you hit today was Perfect, yet you didn’t apply any magic to yourself. How do you do it on XBox?
Mark: “Maltempo Fugit”
Ace: What?
Mark: Too risky to apply magic directly to myself but I can cast a spell on my XBox to make the bad tempo go away.
Ace: And once you do that, you’re going to be better than a PS4 or a PC player. Of course.
[Back in the studio]
RH: A great 3&2 win for the Strikers in that match. Well that brings our broadcast to a close today. Thank you Les for joining me.
Les: No thanks Dickie. I don’t want a joint with you.
RH: Never mind. Until next time, it’s goodbye from me, Richard Head.