CYDER CUP VII
Day 2 - Pairs - Better Ball Matchplay:
Michael Bonocore & Chuck Gunsaullus (Messengers) v Christian Lieberg & Mark Buenger (Assassins)
JOINING ME IN THE COMMENTARY BOX TODAY …
#7 - SEAN PROWSE
Voiceover Guy:
The following broadcast is rated MA15+. It may contain sexual references. It is not suitable for children under 15.
[Intro Music plays]
RH: My name is Richard Head and welcome to the livestream of Day Two of Cyder Cup VII, sponsored by Dickens Cyder. It was an exciting first day yesterday.
The shout of “Thank you Dickie. You little ripper” echoes across the course.
RH: Joining me in the commentary box today is the Captain of the Aspall Assassins, Sean Prowse. Welcome Sean.
SP: It’s a pleasure, Richard.
RH: Please, call me Dick.
SP: No problem, Dick.
RH: Locked up at 4.5 points each after Day 1. It couldn’t be any closer.
SP: I think this is going to be a tight one that will go down to the wire.
RH: Well, we all enjoy a tight one, don’t we? Listeners, we are going to do something a little different today. We are going to open up the lines during the match so you can pose your questions to Sean. Ready for that Sean?
SP: Yep.
RH: OK. Let’s get to today’s match. Listeners, today we have a pairs, better-ball match between Michael Bonocore & Chuck Gunsaullus for the Messengers against Christian Lieberg & Mark Buenger for the Assassins. Sean, your thoughts on today’s match.
SP: With the exception of Mark, I think these are all rookies to the Cyder Cup. Let’s see how they cope with the pressure.
RH: Let's cross to the first tee where Princess Merida is about to announce the players.
At the First Tee Arena:
Merida: My name is Princess Merida. As I like to say, they may take our lives but they’ll never take our freedom!
BenT: Merida, that’s from Braveheart not Brave.
Merida: Shut yer gob yer wee Sassenach.
BenT: Please stick to the script.
Merida: Och aye! I want to welcome you all to Day Two of Cyder Cup VII, sponsored by Dickens Cyder. Teeing off first for the Messengers is Michael ‘Bogey’ Bonocore and Chuck ‘ViolinGuy’ Gunsaullus.
Chuck enters the first tee arena playing an Irish tune on his violin and Mike is dancing a merry jig behind him. They tee off.
Merida: Teeing off second for the Assassins is Christian “Don’t Pay the Ferryman” Lieberg and Mark “The Bard” Buenger.
The crowd goes quiet and Christian and Mark enter silently in their pale blue assassins cloaks. They tee off. They say nothing.
Back in the studio:
RH: Sean, your guys look like they mean business.
SP: Definitely. They are going in for the kill today.
RH: OK, let’s open those phone lines. We have a caller already. Do you have a question for Sean?
??: G’day mate. You’re going down. Your team are going to get Freddie Mercuried up the Ass-Ass by my Messengers.
SP: Ross, is that you?
RN?: I’m going to pour kero on you and burn you down and no one will put you out Fireman Sean.
SP: Sounds like you Ross, but you’re normally so friendly.
RH: I can see Ross on the course talking to his players. It can’t be him.
SP: Quick hang-up. It must be his other head, the evil one.
RH disconnects the caller
RH: What was that?
SP: Ross lives in Tasmania. Tasmanians grow a second head but they always leave their second head behind when they leave the island.
RH: Remind me not to visit Ross in Tasmania.
SP: How are the players going?
RH: They’ve reached the 6th tee and your Assassins are 2 Up. Let’s take another caller. Who do we have on the line?
??: It’s Ben
SP: Hey, Ben. What do you want to know?
BT: Why didn’t you pick me for your team?
SP: Ross got you first.
BT: But, it’s too hard. I can’t do it any more.
SP: I would have loved to have you on our team. Surely Ross is not that bad as a captain?
BT: No. Ross is great.
SP: So what is the problem?
BT: I have to wear red. My team colours are red. I don’t do red. It has to be my Coventry City sky blue. I’ve always been blue.
SP: But you're playing better as part of a red team. Maybe you should change your allegiances to a different red team. Maybe Bristol City or Stoke City?
BT: No fcuking way! You’re no help.
Ben hangs up.
[MarkL: Ken, stop using XBox Seniors society in-jokes]
RH: Another satisfied customer. You’re doing well so far, Sean.
SP: How is the match going?
RH: They have finished the first eight holes and your Assassins are now 3 Up. They are silent assassins today. I don't think either of them have said a word all match. Nothing.
SP: Nothing?
RH: Nothing. Nada. Zip. They’ve been ruthless. Anyway, we have another caller.
??: Halla, Sean.
SP: I recognise that voice anywhere. It’s the great Charles Lindbergh, the centenarian aviation pioneer turned virtual golf wizard. How are you Charles?
CL: Not good, Sean. My wife won’t stop arguing with me.
SP: Carol? Surely not. You are such a good team.
CL: Normally, ja. But this is the first Cyder Cup where we have been on opposite teams. It is like living with a she-devil. Do you have any advice?
SP: I do. Have you heard of the fire triangle?
CL: Ja.
SP: As any good fireman knows, to have a fire you need fuel, heat and oxygen.
CL: And?
SP: To extinguish a fire, you have to remove one of those three. No fuel, no fire. No heat, no fire. No oxygen, no fire.
CL: How does this help me?
SP: You can apply the same logic to arguments with your wife.
CL: How?
SP: The fuel is all the stuff you have done wrong over the years.
CL: That is a lot of stuff.
SP: This one is hard to fix. You might forget a wrong-doing within a week. Your wife will file it away to bring it out 15 years later. The only way to remove the fuel is to get another wife. I only recommend that option in the most serious of cases.
CL: So what is the heat?
SP: It is what ignites the argument. I think in your case it is you being a blue Assassin and her being a red Messenger. We can’t solve that one because I’m keeping you as an Assassin and I want you to win.
CL: So that leaves oxygen?
SP: Yes. You need to suck the oxygen out of the argument.
CL: So say nothing?
SP: Maybe, but that usually acts like more oxygen. Do everything she asks. If she wants to pretend to be Freddie Mercury and spank your ass. Say yes.
CL: I would anyway.
SP: If she wants you to do some housework. Just do it.
CL: Ja. What if she bans the hanky-panky for a month if I don’t throw my Cyder Cup matches?
SP: Do anything she wants, except that.
CL: Tack, Sean. See you at dinner tonight.
Charles hangs-up.
RH: There you go listeners. Sean is a fireman, a golf captain and a marital advisor. A man of many talents.
SP: Enough about me. How is the match going?
RH: They’ve reached the 15th tee. Since the 9th, Chuck has been playing irish jigs on his violin. That’s fired up Michael for the Messengers, but it has been unsettling Mark. He is still saying nothing but I can tell he wants to burst into song. However, Christian has been inscrutable and kept your Assassins in it. They’ve halved the last six holes. Your Assassins are 3 Up with four holes to play.
SP: Time for one more caller?
RH: Yes. Who do we have?
??: Ken Wise
SP: Ken. The undefeated Cyder Cup captain, fellow Assassin and Press Pool hack. What can I do for you?
KW: Help me get my dinner right.
SP: What?
KW: I’ve just played Day One six times. We are leading on Day Two. I can’t repeat Day Two. I must report my dinner correctly.
SP: OK. Have you been into Tim’s Drink of Heroes?
KW: No. This is important. Make sure you tell me what my dinner was before I transcribe this broadcast into my Day Two report.
SP: I heard dinner is going to be pizza tonight.
KW: Oh god, no. There are so many types of pizza. If I get this wrong I could be repeating Day Two for weeks. What if I eat two different types of pizza? This is terrible.
SP: Just stick to eating the Hawaiian pizza and I promise to remind you.
[MarkL: Hawaiian is Ham and Pineapple for the American readers]
RH: Sorry Ken. I’ll have to cut-off your ranting as the match is coming to a conclusion.
RH hangs up on Ken.
RH: Looks like they are on the 15th green. Michael, Chuck and Mark are all down with four shots each but Christian has a putt for a three to take the match …
SP: … and he’s sunk it. My silent but deadly Assassins win 4&3. Woo-hoo!
RH: Sean, thank you for spending the day with us. However you now have to go back in time to earlier today to play your own Day 2 match. If you go and see Peter
bogeyman Mollon in the bar, he can help you with that. Now I must go as I’m meeting up with Les & Merida this evening.
SP: It’s been a pleasure Dick. No doubt you and Les will get plenty of Dickens Cyder tonight.
RH: Hopefully. Until next time listeners, it’s goodbye from me, Richard Head.
Epilogue
KenW: I had five slices of Hawaiian pizza for dinner.
[MarkL: Why do we need to know this?]
THE END