Brew Crew Cyder Cup v3.0 Match Report - Day 1, Match 9
Jeff "Don't Call Me Wedgefoot" Wildridge and Mitch "Orange is My Favorite Color" Miller (Monarchs)
vs
Art "Check Out My Latex Golf Glove" Vandelay and Kie "Sounds Like Pie, or Maybe Pee" Ferrell (Strikers)
Before we kick off the proceedings, I wish to introduce all of you to our crack staff of reporters, all working very hard to bring you the finest match recaps in all of pixel golf. In no particular order, I give you:
Paul "Sidsnott" Bradford
Marc "CrazyCroc" van Niekirk
Art "arthurvandelay" Vandelay
Mark "mbuenger" Buenger
Mitch "VolinVietnam" Miller
and yours truly, Mark 'IGolfBad" Lawrence
Welcome everyone to this, the third iteration of the Brew Crew Cyder Cup. We bring you to the famous beautifully built and maintained CC at Castle Rock golf course, in beautiful Derry, Maine, designed by the world renowned Stephen King.
We get things started with the first group out, the Monarchs' Jeff Wildridge and Mitch Miller taking on the Strikers' Captain Art Vandelay and Kie Ferrell. Pleasantries having been exchanged, the Monarchs take first honors as defending champions.
Hole 1 aka Cujo's Bone: A rocky start on this par 5 for the Strongbows, as Art opens with double bogey after hitting his second shot into thick woods and being mauled to within an inch of his life by a rabid St. Bernard, patron saint of the Alps. Apparently Art forgot to pack his brandy flask. Monarchs go 1 up.
After halving Hole 2, the groups turned their attentions to Hole 3 aka Misery's Mischief: Once again, Art found himself the sole victim, this time mysteriously dislocating both ankles and once again turning in the only bogey in the group, giving the Magners a 2 up lead. Visibly shaken, Art's only words were "Oh, no... not again", just prior to turning into a bowl of petunias... wait... wrong story. Never mind. Monarchs 2 up.
With things already looking bleak for Art and Kie, they neared Hole 4 aka The Stand (not the lemonade variety): up until this point, young Mitch was playing solid golf. But it was here that a badly burned madman stormed out of the tee-side bushes and attempted to light Mitch on fire, yelling "I'm the Trashcan Man! I'm the Trashcan Man!" Suddenly disoriented, Mitch started topping his ball on the downswing. Confused, he started ranting "M-O-O-N... that spells 'birdie'!" Darkness filled the sky, and Mitch reached the par 4 green in 3, and settled for a two-putt bogey. "M-O-O-N... that spells '#%$*'" Accustomed to the darkened conditions, Art played the hole perfectly en route to a birdie, giving the hole to the Strikers and bringing the Monarchs' lead down to 1 up.
Hole 5 aka The Dead Zone: Three golfers found themselves with unexpected tempo issues, with Kie the only one unaffected, making this par 5 play much longer for Jeff, Mitch and Art. Not unexpectedly, those three also hit fast with their fairway woods, and could only make approaches that barely made the green in regulation, leaving impossibly long birdie shots. Kie played the hole perfectly en route to the lone birdie, drawing the match even.
On Hole 6 aka Duma Key, all four golfer played to routine pars as none of them had ever heard of the book, let alone read it.
The next 5 holes, aka Carrie, Firestarter, Pet Sematary, Christine, and The Shining found Jeff and Mitch posting team bogeys on four of the five, while Art and Kie crafted a birdie apiece, and no bogeys, giving the Strikers 5 wins in a row, and a 5 up lead after 11 holes. Terror filled the air for the Monarchs.
Things calmed down on Hole 12 aka Lisey's Story, as both teams carded par/birdie, again with all four golfers having no knowledge of this novel.
It was on the now infamous Hole 13 aka It, where things went sideways for the Monarchs. Mitch, still visibly shaken by his near immolation, struck his drive next to one of the drainage sewers along the left rough. "Wanna play a game, Mitchy?" he heard from behind the grate. "Uh... sure! Is it golf? I love golf!" The surroundings faded from Mitch's view, who was oblivious to the calls of Jeff. "Come on down, Mitchy... the birds float here. They all float..." The voice then materialized - it was the clown face of Johnny Bollocks aka EvilGrin72. He held forth Mitch's ball... "Take it, Mitchy... they all float down here."
Sparing our fair readers the gruesome details, Mitch's encounter with the evil clown Johnny left him minus one arm. Naturally this impeded his ability to reach the green in even one stroke over regulation, and he was resigned to take double bogey, making Jeff's birdie moot. Strikers take the hole.
Just then, a stretch golf cart pulled up, and out poured eight well appointed attorneys with side arms. The attorneys quickly encircled the golfers, who looked more annoyed than puzzled. Two the attorneys parted and up walked none other than Stephen King himself.
"You idiots... this is The CC at Castle Pines, not Castle Rock. My lawyers here are fully prepared to take the lot of you to court for breach of copyright law, and have a cease-and-desist order forcing you to stop referencing my books. Now take those signs down, call the course the correct name, and leave me the *&^# alone".
The foursome signed the necessary papers, and agreed to adhere to the order. Stunned, they shuffled back to the bar, wondering what the hell just happened...
Strikers over Monarchs 6 and 5.
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