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Post by jarednich on Aug 8, 2016 12:55:24 GMT -5
OK, they're corny, they've been told a million times and some aren't even remotely funny.
But list them here. I'll start:
George and Irv were playing their normal Tuesday morning round together as they had for decades.
A few hours in, they come to the fourteenth hole. A long, straightaway 4 par with a stream on the left and a road on the right.
It's George's honor on the tee, but instead of teeing up his ball, he closes his eyes, removes his hat and places it over his heart as a funeral procession drives by.
Irv is impressed by this, and says to George, "Buddy, I think it's great how you stopped what you were doing and took a moment to show respect. This younger generation could learn a thing or two from you, old friend."
George replies, "Thanks Irv, but really it's the least I could do. After all, we were married for 47 years."
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Post by gfoss1986 on Aug 8, 2016 13:01:39 GMT -5
My putting, the ultimate golfing joke.
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Post by jarednich on Aug 8, 2016 13:09:13 GMT -5
My putting, the ultimate golfing joke. I will weep for you and your -31 after 2 rounds. Fun part about -31, I shot it too. IN FOUR ROUNDS.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2016 13:27:43 GMT -5
My game is the ultimate joke. (The real life one, not on here. Although I suck at this game too.)
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Post by Airik3333 on Aug 8, 2016 15:01:14 GMT -5
This guy wanted to play golf real bad one day.. His buddies were busy and could not go.. So, he took his wife out to the course.. They got around to the 12th hole.. He hated that hole.. It was a short dogleg left Par 4.. He hit a towering tee shot that went way left behind a barn.. He got over to it and said "honey, I dont have a shot with this barn in the way".. She said "Yeah you do.. Just hit the ball up through the loft it will come out on the other side and land on the green".. He said "okay I will try it"..
He took out a 7 iron and hit the ball as crisp as you can hit a golf ball.. The ball was too low though and hit the barn just below the loft.. The ball came straight back and hit his wife in the head and killed her.. After that he refused to play golf ever again.. Many years went by and his buddies finally persuaded him to play a round of golf again.. They went to the same course.. They got to the same hole.. And he hit the same tee shot.. They got over there to the ball and he said "Guys, I dont have a shot" One of his buddies said "yeah you do, hit the ball up through the loft" The guy responds "No Way !! Last time I tried that I took a triple bogey on this hole"
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2016 15:11:52 GMT -5
Jesus is playing golf, round of with St. Peter and a couple of the apostles. They come to this 200 par 3 with a pond in front of it.
Jesus gets ready to tee his ball up when St. Peter notices he has an 8 iron in his hand. “You can’t possibly hit the green with an 8 iron,” said St. Peter.
Jesus answers, “I was watching Jack Nicklaus play this hole the other day and he got a birdie using an 8 iron.” So Jesus proceeds to take a practice swing with his 8 iron while St. Peter shakes his head. He steps up to the ball, takes a smooth swing and splash, the ball ends up in the middle of the pond. Jesus tees up another ball.
St. Peter asks, “Are you sure you still want to use that 8 iron?”, to which Jesus replies, “If Jack Nicklaus can do it, I can do it.” So, Jesus tees up another ball and swings with all his might, and once again, “Plop”. In disgust, Jesus takes his clubs and throws them into the pond.
He then proceeds to walk across the water towards the green.
A foursome coming up from behind sees what’s going on and one of them says to St. Peter, “Who does that guy thinks he is, Jesus Christ?” to which St. Peter retorts, “No, he thinks he’s Jack Nicklaus.”
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Post by mrooola on Aug 8, 2016 15:51:46 GMT -5
A classic:
If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron!
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Post by TreeWood on Aug 8, 2016 18:25:56 GMT -5
This guy's an avid golfer, loves the game with all his heart, and plays daily now that he's retired. One day he's paired up with a fortune teller. At the first tee, an easy par 4, the fortune teller says "Double bogie for you, and par for me." The guy eventually scores a six, and the beady-eyed fortune teller smiles as she jots down her four. The next hole's a 186-yard par 3, with an elevated green that's fronted by a small pond. "You're in the drink, and I get the ace," says the woman, with a cackle. Sure enough, she leads off with a high five iron that bounces once, hits the pin and falls in. The guy's unnerved at this point and smacks his four iron into the pond on the fly.
The guy says "Wow...you really are a fortune teller. I'm getting on, and I'd really like to know if heaven has golf courses. The fortune teller gazes into her crystal golf ball and says "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that heaven is one gigantic golf course, with verdant hills, wonderfully manicured greens, and waterfalls like you've never seen in TGC." The man then asks "And the bad news?" To which she replies "You tee off next Tuesday!"
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Post by helmethead1031 on Aug 8, 2016 20:19:40 GMT -5
Vern was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realizes that his wife, Joy, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him. Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly. A few days later, Vern got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy. Coroner: "Vern, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct? Vern: "Yes, sir, that's correct." Coroner: "Well, inexplicably I found a golf ball wedged up her ass. Vern: "Was it a Titleist 3?" Coroner: "Yes, it was. Vern: "That was my mulligan."
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Post by helmethead1031 on Aug 8, 2016 20:22:32 GMT -5
Saul Wallerstein was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.
On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in an accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.
He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....
Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!"
"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."
The man broke down and sobbed.
The doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just messing with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"
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Post by ATLdust on Aug 8, 2016 20:29:23 GMT -5
Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing together. The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green. Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole. The old man's turn comes and he drives the ball. The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish. As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish. As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one. Jesus looks at Moses and says, "I really think I'm leaving Dad at home next time"
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Post by helmethead1031 on Aug 8, 2016 20:32:35 GMT -5
While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart. A a very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?" "I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart. She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later." I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on now " she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed, "But I'm sure my wife won't like it." After a couple of Scotch and waters, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "She won't know anything. And by the way, where is she?" I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess"
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Post by Moe Slorkman on Aug 9, 2016 7:50:50 GMT -5
Bill and Shirely are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
"Shirely, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me"
"Oh Bill, why would you ask such a question now" You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Shirely, I really want to know. Please."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."
"Three" When were they"
"Well, Bill, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan" Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked"
"Oh, Shirely, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2"
"Well, Bill, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you" Remember how Dr. Johnson came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again"
"I can't believe it! Shirely, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3"
"Well, Bill, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 15 votes short"
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Post by Moe Slorkman on Aug 9, 2016 7:57:12 GMT -5
A husband and wife were playing golf together when the man's wife was severely stung by a bee.
The husband ran quickly back to the clubhouse, looking for a doctor.
"Come quickly!" he said. "my wife's been stung by a bee."
"Where was she stung?" asked the doctor.
"Between the first and second holes." shouted the husband.
"Wow," replied the doctor, "she must have a very wide stance!"
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Post by Moe Slorkman on Aug 9, 2016 8:07:16 GMT -5
A couple that always plays together, but both are of form of late, and so they decide to go to the local pro for a lesson The husband is the first one to go in. After the instructor sees his swing, he moans loudly, "No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?" the man asks. "You need to hold the club gently," the golf pro replied. "Hold the club just like you would hold your wife's breast." So the man takes the advice that the instructor gave him, takes a swing, and BOOM! He hits the ball and it flies almost 300 yards straight up the fairway. The man is delighted, and goes back out to his wife with the good news.
His wife can't wait for her lesson, and runs into the pro
The golf pro watches the wife take her swing, and just as before he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife meekly. "You need to hold the club gently, just like you would hold your husband's D***".
The wife listens very carefully to the instructor's advice, then takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway, landing about 15 away from where she hit it.
"That was great," the instructor says with a straight face. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to!"
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