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Post by Moe Slorkman on Aug 9, 2016 8:08:10 GMT -5
I'll leave it there before i get in trouble as they only get worse
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Post by ATLdust on Aug 9, 2016 10:10:47 GMT -5
I'll leave it there before i get in trouble as they only get worse More, More!
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Post by Moe Slorkman on Aug 9, 2016 10:41:44 GMT -5
I'll leave it there before i get in trouble as they only get worse More, More! @!$# it one more I was out playing a round with nantez88 in the local club. I sliced one into the trees and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get the ball back in play, I ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden...POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little pixie appeared. She said, Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!" Then POOF...she was gone. After I recovered from the shock, I shouted over to Nant, "Nant, where are you?" Nant yelled back, "I'm over here in the willows. I shouted back, "DON'T SWING, Nant!! for the love of God, DON'T SWING!!!!
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Post by ATLdust on Aug 9, 2016 11:01:46 GMT -5
Your killing me Moe!! Lol. Thanks for starting my day off with a laugh!
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Post by nantez88 on Aug 9, 2016 11:22:16 GMT -5
@!$# it one more I was out playing a round with nantez88 in the local club. I sliced one into the trees and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get the ball back in play, I ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden...POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little pixie appeared. She said, Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!" Then POOF...she was gone. After I recovered from the shock, I shouted over to Nant, "Nant, where are you?" Nant yelled back, "I'm over here in the willows. I shouted back, "DON'T SWING, Nant!! for the love of God, DON'T SWING!!!! Hahahahaha absolute Beaut Moe
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Post by bentfivewood on Aug 9, 2016 13:34:57 GMT -5
Not a joke but funny nonetheless.
If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.
~Lee Trevino~
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Post by ATLdust on Aug 9, 2016 14:54:39 GMT -5
Three guys, a teenager, his father and his grandfather go out to play a round of golf. Just before the son is ready to tee off, this fine looking woman walks up carrying her clubs. She says her partner didn't show and asks if she can join them. The guys say sure, since she is quite a beautiful woman. The lady turns to the three of them and says, "I don't care what the three of you do, cuss, smoke, chew, spit, fart or whatever. Just don't try to coach me on my game". The guys say okay and ask if she would like to tee off first. All eyes are on her ass as her skirt rides up when she bends over to place the ball. She then proceeds to knock the hell out of the ball right up the middle. She just starts pounding these guys, paring every hole. They get to the 18th and she has a 12-foot putt for par. She turns around and says, "You guys have done a great job at not trying to coach me on my game. I've never shot par before, and I'm going to ask your opinions on this putt. Now if any of your opinions help me make the putt, I will give that guy the best sex that he will never forget. " The guys think, 'what a deal!' The kid walks over, eyes up the putt for a couple of minutes, and finally says, "Lady, aim that putt six inches to the right of the hole. The ball will break left 12 inches from the hole and go in the cup." The father walks up and says, "Don't listen to the youngster, aim 12 inches to the right and the ball will break left 2 feet from the hole and fall into the cup." The grandpa looks at both of them in disgust, walks over picking up the ball, drops it into the cup, unzips his fly and says "That's a Gimme."
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Post by nantez88 on Aug 9, 2016 16:00:18 GMT -5
Three guys, a teenager, his father and his grandfather go out to play a round of golf. Just before the son is ready to tee off, this fine looking woman walks up carrying her clubs. She says her partner didn't show and asks if she can join them. The guys say sure, since she is quite a beautiful woman. The lady turns to the three of them and says, "I don't care what the three of you do, cuss, smoke, chew, spit, fart or whatever. Just don't try to coach me on my game". The guys say okay and ask if she would like to tee off first. All eyes are on her ass as her skirt rides up when she bends over to place the ball. She then proceeds to knock the hell out of the ball right up the middle. She just starts pounding these guys, paring every hole. They get to the 18th and she has a 12-foot putt for par. She turns around and says, "You guys have done a great job at not trying to coach me on my game. I've never shot par before, and I'm going to ask your opinions on this putt. Now if any of your opinions help me make the putt, I will give that guy the best sex that he will never forget. " The guys think, 'what a deal!' The kid walks over, eyes up the putt for a couple of minutes, and finally says, "Lady, aim that putt six inches to the right of the hole. The ball will break left 12 inches from the hole and go in the cup." The father walks up and says, "Don't listen to the youngster, aim 12 inches to the right and the ball will break left 2 feet from the hole and fall into the cup." The grandpa looks at both of them in disgust, walks over picking up the ball, drops it into the cup, unzips his fly and says "That's a Gimme." Hahahaha ah jayzus, quality mate
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Post by SmilingGoats on Aug 10, 2016 18:43:46 GMT -5
An oldie but goodie:
Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven.
Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen.
St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don't hit the ducks.
The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks "The ducks?"
"Yes", St. Peter replies, "There are millions of ducks walking around the course and if one gets hit, he squawks then the one next to him squawks and soon they're all squawkin to beat the band, and it really breaks the tranquility. If you hit the ducks, you'll be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy."
After entering the course, the men noted that there was indeed a gaggle of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit one of them. The duck squawked, the one next to it squawked and soon there was a deafening roar of duck quacks.
St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asked "Who hit the duck?"
The one who had done it admitted "I did."
Immediately, St. Peter pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks," he said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity. "
The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman than before. St. Peter determined which one had hit the duck by the fear in his face, and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand.
"I told you not to hit the ducks", he said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."
The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even move for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months of this he still hadn't hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months and had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled to the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.
The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a sigh and said "What have I done to deserve this?"
The woman responded "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck."
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Post by Harry Hates Golf on Aug 10, 2016 19:47:32 GMT -5
Uh, hmmm....let me see....sh%$....okay, wait, I know one.... Two golfers are on the 14th hole, and they both feel the urge to pee at the same time. Now, the 14th hole has a lake as a water hazard, so they decide to pee off the side of the bridge into the lake. The two golfers unzip and pull out. They start peeing. One golfer says, "Boy, that water sure is cold." The other golfer says, "Yeah, and its deep too." GET IT!!!!
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Post by SmilingGoats on Aug 11, 2016 17:30:23 GMT -5
A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the damn ball!”
The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”
“Forget it, man,” says his partner. “You’ll never hit her from here.”
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StevePitts
Caddy
Chugging along, singing a song
Posts: 72
TGCT Name: Steve Pitts
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Post by StevePitts on Aug 17, 2016 7:55:59 GMT -5
What better use for my first post than a corny joke, I find myself wondering, so:
WOMAN: Would you get married again? MAN: Definitely not! WOMAN: Why not, don't you like being married? MAN: Of course I do. WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry? MAN: Okay, I'd get married again. WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face) MAN: ( makes audible groan ) WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed? MAN: Where else would we sleep? WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? MAN: Of course not, dear; she's left-handed. WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
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Post by Morgan-esque on Aug 18, 2016 7:37:27 GMT -5
Just going to leave this link here... Www.golftoday.co.uk/19th/humour/shot_names.htmlOnes I relate to... Princess Diana: Shouldn't have gone with the Driver Dead Sheep: Still Ewe (in the putting sense) Sally Gunnell: ugly but runs a long way
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Post by tastegw on Aug 21, 2016 21:37:45 GMT -5
What has one ball and two strikes?
Lance Armstrong with two strikes
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Post by c6vette2010 on Aug 22, 2016 9:53:59 GMT -5
The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously "What happened??
I'll tell you what happened! I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip.
I get home and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever.
"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation ... she never got your e-mail.
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