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Post by IGolfBad on Apr 9, 2023 22:14:27 GMT -5
HERE WE GO HERE WE GO HERE WE GO!!! The mighty Mercury "We're a Liquid at Room Temperature" Messengers and the awesome Aspall "We Put the Ass-Ass in" Assassins
Herein starts the 7th Brew Crew Cyder Cup at Jacquard Causeway
Day 1 Match 3 features Jason Dowey crushtastic and Thomas Seneclause tomsenec for the Messengers squaring off against Martin Law Mart_1980 and Mark Buenger mbuenger for the Assassins - let's have a look in.
<crickets>
Hmmm... after careful consideration, and deep exploration into world geography on causeways, it was discovered that Jacquard is not a real place, does not have a road over a large body of water, and is not at all a type of fabric that utilizes colored threads in place of dyes.
No, dear (bored) reader, Jacquard Causeway is a song by a Canadian band called Boards of Canada. F***in' fantastic.
Having already dropped the ball on this report, I called upon our own in-house Canadian, Andre Quenneville, aka Crazy Canuck. Unfortuately, Andre refused to take my calls, and threatened me with unnecessary legal recourse. This left me no choice but to call on our lesser Canadian, Tim TimB . Tim, what is your impression of this week's course, Jacquard Causeway?
TB: Those wanks? Wouldn't play them if they were the last synth band on Earth. Truth be told, I haven't been the same since Rush called it a day. I don't even know what music is, which is more than I can say about Boards of Canada. And speaking of boards, this course, am I right? Not a single blade of green grass to be found. You'd think it was an underwater road.
Thanks, Tim, for your ever sharp insight. We look forward to hearing more from you as the week progresses.
In the meantime, Lawrence has realized that his first report of the week is nearly devoid of substance, which for him is par for the course. Fortunately, the contestants in this one played much better than my writing, and deserve a much better treatment, which I doubt will come, but promise to do better next time.
In the end, golf was played, and there was a clear winner. That would be the viewing public. What do you expect for free?
Ass Ass in Assassins over Freddy's Mercury 2&1
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Post by asyoudo64 on Apr 10, 2023 0:40:47 GMT -5
HERE WE GO HERE WE GO HERE WE GO!!! The mighty Mercury "We're a Liquid at Room Temperature" Messengers and the awesome Aspall "We Put the Ass-Ass in" Assassins
Herein starts the 7th Brew Crew Cyder Cup at Jacquard Causeway
Day 1 Match 3 features Jason Dowey crushtastic and Paul Bradford sid snott for the Messengers squaring off against Martin Law Mart_1980 and Mark Buenger mbuenger for the Assassins - let's have a look in.
<crickets>
Hmmm... after careful consideration, and deep exploration into world geography on causeways, it was discovered that Jacquard is not a real place, does not have a road over a large body of water, and is not at all a type of fabric that utilizes colored threads in place of dyes.
No, dear (bored) reader, Jacquard Causeway is a song by a Canadian band called Boards of Canada. F***in' fantastic.
Having already dropped the ball on this report, I called upon our own in-house Canadian, Andre Quenneville, aka Crazy Canuck. Unfortuately, Andre refused to take my calls, and threatened me with unnecessary legal recourse. This left me no choice but to call on our lesser Canadian, Tim TimB . Tim, what is your impression of this week's course, Jacquard Causeway?
TB: Those wanks? Wouldn't play them if they were the last synth band on Earth. Truth be told, I haven't been the same since Rush called it a day. I don't even know what music is, which is more than I can say about Boards of Canada. And speaking of boards, this course, am I right? Not a single blade of green grass to be found. You'd think it was an underwater road.
Thanks, Tim, for your ever sharp insight. We look forward to hearing more from you as the week progresses.
In the meantime, Lawrence has realized that his first report of the week is nearly devoid of substance, which for him is par for the course. Fortunately, the contestants in this one played much better than my writing, and deserve a much better treatment, which I doubt will come, but promise to do better next time.
In the end, golf was played, and there was a clear winner. That would be the viewing public. What do you expect for free?
Ass Ass in Assassins over Freddy's Mercury 2&1 Brilliant start Mark. Great effort Mercuries. A long way to go.
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Post by Pen Knight on Apr 10, 2023 1:34:38 GMT -5
You in a hurry to be somewhere Tim? Not really. Just was in "lets get this over with mode." I always play all my rounds in one sitting on Sunday. But yeah, in a hurry to head to EA LOL Interesting. I just spent like 9000 VC to move all my skill points out of Putting and Short Game to put them into Power and Driver Accuracy Control. Turns out that Putting Skills don't mean anything in this game. Who knew lol?
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Post by coggin66 on Apr 10, 2023 4:27:29 GMT -5
CYDER CUP VII Day 1 - Pairs - Total Score Matchplay
Tim Brantford & Paul Davies (Messengers) vs Leon Anderson & Paul Matchen (Assassins)
Disclaimers:
Unlike Mark’s concise and to the point report, this is a long and rambling one and I am not responsible if you fall asleep.
Any resemblance to reality or other works of fiction is probably purely coincidental.
GOLF HOUND DAY [aka LIVE. DREAM. REPEAT.]
Chapter 1: {Day One of Cyder Cup VII}
BEEP, BEEP, BEEP
I shut off the alarm; get out of bed; and head into the shower to wake myself up.
After getting dressed, I retrieve my breakfast that I had ordered from room services the night before.
“Eggs Benedict and a Skinny Latte, just like I ordered”
I sit down to eat, and turn on the course hotel room TV.
[Dick H] My name is Richard Head and welcome to the livestream of Day One of Cyder Cup VII, sponsored by Dickens Cyder. This week’s event comes from the beautiful coastal course at Jacquard Causeway designed by Charlie Davis. It’s looking warm and sunny out there today with a slight haze. We are looking forward to some exciting golf.
“OK, time to head down to the Press Pool Offices to meet Mark”
[Press Pool Offices]
Mark Lawrence sits in his big executive chair in the Press Pool offices.
[ML] Ken, get in my office now.
I enter with some trepidation and sit on the little chair opposite him.
[ML] What was all that "Outside" nonsense at the last Cyder Cup?
[KW] Just a bit of fun to screw with everyone’s head. Didn’t you like it?
[ML] No. Give me something a bit less "out there" this time.
[KW] OK. What if I write the report like it is a day in my life and I just throw the score in there somewhere?
[ML] It can’t be any worse than the previous nonsense you’ve written. Bring it to me in the morning.
[KW] I see Dickens Cyder are the sponsors again. Who is the MC this time?
[ML] We’re targeting the Scottish market this time so we’ve gone with the fiery red-headed Scots lass, Princess Merida from Brave.
[KW] Les will enjoy having his caber tossed by her.
[ML] He will. You know we are paired together for today’s match.
[KW] I know. You’ve been playing ok recently. Maybe it’s time to change your tag from igolfbad to igolfok?
[ML] Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Now get out to the pre-match interview and do your job.
[KW] Yes boss.
[Interview Room]
TimB and PaulD enter for the Messengers, closely followed by Leon and PaulM for the Assassins.
[KW] Welcome Gents. How do you think this match will go?
[PD] Os gall Tim gadw oddi ar y chwyn, gall y cawn gyfle.
[KW] I don’t have a clue what that means. Tim?
[TB] If I can figure out what The Taffman is talking about, we might stand a chance.
[KW] Paul, as my previous Strikers vice-captain and fellow Assassin, I hope you and Leon can win. Do you think you can take the win?
[PM] If I can bring out Leon’s inner tiger, then I think we can edge this one.
[KW] Thanks Gents. It’s time for you to head out to the first tee. Good luck. Go Assassins. I’ll see you again after your match for a post-match interview
After the pre-match interview, I head out to the course to join Mark for our match against Justin and PaulB. I’ll let someone else tell you how that went.
[Interview Room]
I welcome the players as they return for their post-match interview.
[KW] What a cracking match gents. Leon, you and Paul started strong?
[LA] Paul and I raced to an early lead to be 3 up by the 5th but they came back hard.
[KW] They certainly did. Tim, you went from being 3 down on the 6th to 1 up by the 10th. What happened?
[TB] I opened Google Translate on my phone on the 7th tee and I could finally understand what Paul was telling me.
[KW] And then it fell apart for a couple of holes?
[TB] My battery died and I could no longer understand Paul.
[KW] PaulM, you went from 1 down to 1 up on the 13th with five holes to play but you couldn’t finish it off.
[PM] It was a battle royale over those last five holes. Ross came out with another phone, some poutine for Tim and some leek soup for Paul and it gave them the boost they needed.
[KW] Indeed. Tim & Paul just won the 16th and halved the others so it finished All Square.
[PB] Fe wnaethon ni ennill ar gyfrif yn ôl.
[KW] What did he say?
[TB] He said, “We won on countback.”
[KW] No you didn’t. This is the Cyder Cup. There is no countback. All Square gets both teams a half point. Well played all of you. Let’s head to the bar.
[Restaurant & Bar]
After the matches end, the Crew make their way to the restaurant and bar for the evening's festivities. I choose a delicious beef curry for dinner and the alcohol flows freely. As I leave to return to my room, I pass Princess Merida who is all over Les, the Disney Princess-magnet.
"Looks like there might be some caber tossing tonight, Les"
Les smiles knowingly.
[My Hotel Room]
After returning to my room, I write up this match report with the All Square result. I fill out my room service breakfast order of porridge and orange juice. I then head to bed and I’m soon asleep.
Zzzzzz!
I’m naked and strapped to a bench with a laser heading for my nether regions.
I can hear Shirley Bassey singing,
“Gold Fingerer. He’s the man, the man with the latex touch”
Art walks towards me dressed in a gold lame suit.
“Art. What are you doing? Do you expect me to talk?”
“No, Mr. Wise. That’s not what happened. I expect you to do it again!”
The laser reaches my nether regions …
Chapter 2: {Practical Joke?}
BEEP, BEEP, BEEP
I shut off the alarm.
“What was that dream about? Maybe I should lay off the grog tonight.”
I get out of bed; and head into the shower to wake myself up. I go to retrieve my room service breakfast.
“Eggs Benedict and a Skinny Latte again. That’s not what I ordered.”
I sit down to eat, and turn on the course hotel room TV.
[Dick H] My name is Richard Head and welcome to the livestream of Day One of Cyder Cup VII, sponsored by Dickens Cyder.
“What? Did he say Day One? Is this some kind of practical joke? I better head down to the Press Pool Offices to see if Mark is in on it”
[Press Pool Offices]
Mark Lawrence sits in his big executive chair in the Press Pool offices.
[ML] Ken, get in my office now.
I enter.
[ML] What was all that "Outside" nonsense at the last Cyder Cup?
[KW] You asked me that yesterday.
[ML] I was on a plane getting here yesterday.
[KW] Are you in on this joke too?
[ML] What joke?
[KW] Here is my Day 1 report.
[ML] I know we are loose with the truth in the Press Pool, but you can't hand in a report when nobody has played yet. Take it back.
[KW] OK. I’ll play along. I see Dickens Cyder are the sponsors again. Who is the MC this time?
[ML] We’re targeting the Scottish market this time so we’ve gone with the fiery red-headed Scots lass, Princess Merida from Brave.
[KW] I would never have guessed. Do you have a new by-line for her posters?
[ML] Yes. “Don’t drink whiskey when you can have your Dickens Cyder.”
[KW] Very tasteful.
[ML] You know we are paired together for today’s match.
[KW] That was yesterday.
[ML] No, it’s today.
[KW] Really. Based on yesterday, your golf has improved.
[ML] It has.
[KW] Maybe you should change your tag from “igolfbad” to “igolfokmyself”
[ML] Oi! Now get out to the pre-match interview and do your job.
[Interview Room]
I wait in the interview room for the players to arrive.
“This has got to be a practical joke”
TimB and PaulD enter for the Messengers, closely followed by Leon and PaulM for the Assassins.
[KW] Not you lot again. Very funny. Are you in on the joke too?
[LA] What are you on about?
[KW] Pretending we are still playing the Day 1 matches.
[PM] Ken, we are about to play our Day 1 match against these two.
[KW] But you played them yesterday and finished All Square.
[TB] Have you been into my hallucinogens, Ken. This is Day 1. We didn’t play yesterday.
[KW] Nice one, Gents. Anyway, it’s time for you to head out to the first tee. Good luck.
I give Leon an encouraging slap on the back as he is leaving.
[KW] Go Assassins. I guess I’ll see you again after your match for a post-match interview
After the pre-match interview, I head out to the course for my own match … only to find I am playing with Mark against Justin B and PaulB, the same players as yesterday. I was so discombobulated, it did not go so well this time, but I'll let someone else tell you about our match.
[Interview Room]
[KW] I’m not sure what is going on but you played against each other again today. Leon, you & Paul lost today.
[LA] Paul and I raced to an early lead to be 4 up by the 8th but they came back hard.
[KW] They certainly did. Tim, you went from being 4 down after the 8th to dormie 2 up by the 16th. What happened?
[TB] I opened Google Translate on my phone on the 9th tee and I could finally understand what Paul was telling me.
[KW] And Leon, you started missing a few greens on the back nine.
[LA] Yes. My shoulder started aching where you slapped me before the match
[KW] Sorry about that.
[PM] We couldn’t get them on the 17th and it was all over.
[KW] Indeed. Tim & Paul won this one 2 and 1. Let’s head to the bar. I have no idea what is going on today and I need to get hammered.
[Restaurant & Bar]
After the matches end, the Crew make their way to the restaurant and bar for the evening's festivities. I choose the chicken kiev for dinner and hastily down a couple of bottles of wine. As I stagger out of the bar to return to my room, I pass Princess Merida who is all over Les, the Disney Princess-magnet.
"Careful, Les. It looks like she wants your Dickens Cyder."
Les smiles knowingly.
[My Hotel Room]
I stagger into my room. Yesterday’s All Square report is still there, so I continue the report by adding today's version of Day 1 with the Messengers 2&1 win.
“This is bizarre. Two different Day 1 results. What is going on?”
I fill out my room service breakfast order of porridge and orange juice. I then head to bed and I’m soon asleep.
Zzzzzz!
I’m naked and standing at the top of a high dam wall.
I can hear Tina Turner singing,
“With a GoldenArt, Golden, GoldenArt”
Art stands next to me dressed in a gold latex boiler suit .
“Art. What are you doing?”
"That’s not what happened. Do it again ….”
Art then pushes me off the dam and I free fall towards the ground …
Chapter 3 {Realisation}
BEEP, BEEP, BEEP
I shut off the alarm.
“Not another Art dream”
I get out of bed and with apprehension I go to retrieve my room service breakfast.
“Eggs Benedict and a Skinny Latte again. Sh!t!”
I turn on the course hotel room TV.
[Dick H] My name is Richard Head and welcome to the livestream of Day One of Cyder Cup VII, sponsored by Dickens Cyder …
“Fcuk! It’s bl00dy GroundHog Day. Or maybe that should be GolfHound Day. I must be reporting the wrong score.”
[Press Pool Offices]
Mark Lawrence sits in his big executive chair in the Press Pool offices.
[ML] Ken, get in my office now.
I enter.
[ML] What was all that "Outside" nonsense at the last Cyder Cup?
[KW] It was a mind-fcuk as we are all part of a giant video-game and I seem to have got myself into the rogue-like section where I repeat the same day.
[ML] Are you feeling ok?
[KW] As good as anyone can feel stuck repeating the same day trying to get a match score right.
[ML] OK. Like Edge of Tomorrow?
[KW] Except I'm not dying each day … apart from in my dreams.
[ML] I was hoping for something a little less out there from you this time, but I can see that’s not happening.
[KW] I know you have Princess Merida as MC this time. Surprise me. What’s the by-line for her posters?
[ML] “Come meet Merida at the Cyder Cup and you can get your first Dickens Cyder for free.”
[KW] That’s not what you said in yesterday's version of today. I assume we are playing together again today.
[ML] Again?
[KW] Never mind. Apparently your golf has improved.
[ML] It has.
[KW] Maybe you should change your tag from “igolfbad” to “igolfoksheep”
[ML] Oi! Now get out to the pre-match interview and do your job.
[KW] Still sensitive to a name change then?
[Interview Room]
I wait in the interview room for the players to arrive.
“I’m an Assassin so I might as well see if I can give my team an advantage.”
TimB and PaulD enter for the Messengers, closely followed by Leon and PaulM for the Assassins.
[KW] You lot are getting very familiar
[LA] Really?
[KW] Tim, How are going to work with Paul when he just talks gobbledy-gook?
[TB] I think that is Welsh, but we’ll figure it out.
[KW] Paul, make sure you bring out the tiger in Leon. Anyway, it’s time for you to head out to the first tee.
As Tim is leaving, I pickpocket his mobile from his back pocket.
[KW] Go Assassins. See you again after your match for a post-match interview
After the pre-match interview, I head out to the course for my own match with Mark, Justin and PaulB. As I knew how the others were going to play, I adapted my game to suit and I played a blinder. We smashed them. But I’ll let someone else tell the full story.
[Interview Room]
[KW] Leon, Paul. An easy win for you today.
[LA] Paul and I raced to an early lead to be 7 up by the 9th. It stayed that way and we won 7&6.
[KW] What happened Tim? Struggle to communicate with the Taffman like I predicted? [TB] Sure did. I had some inspiration on the 7th and thought I’d open Google Translate on my phone but I couldn’t find it.
[KW] Oh, that’s terrible. You know you left it here in the interview room. Here it is.
[TB] Thanks
[KW] Let’s head to the bar.
[Restaurant & Bar]
After the matches end, the Crew make their way to the restaurant and bar for the evening's festivities. I choose the lamb shanks for dinner and savour a nice bottle of red to go with it. As I return to my room, I pass Princess Merida who is all over Les, the Disney Princess-magnet.
"I don’t know how you do it mate, but have fun tonight."
Les smiles knowingly.
[My Hotel Room]
I head to my room. My previous Day 1 reports are still there so I continue the match report adding the Assassin's 7&6 win.
""Hopefully this one is right."
I fill out my room service breakfast order of porridge and orange juice. I try to stay awake to get through to the morning but fatigue overwhelms me and I eventually fall asleep.
Zzzzzz!
I’m naked and I’m surrounded by fairground mirrors showing multiple reflections of Art in a gold latex tropical suit holding a gold pistol.
I can hear Lulu singing,
“An Aspall Assassin that’s second to none, The man with the golden fun”
All the images of Art point their pistol at me.
"That’s not what happened. Do it again ….”
The Arts pull their triggers …
Chapter 4 {Despair}
BEEP, BEEP, BEEP
I shut off the alarm.
“Eggs Benedict and a Skinny Latte again”
[Dick H] My name is Richard Head and welcome to the livestream of Day One of Cyder Cup VII, sponsored by Dickens Cyder …
“Fcuk you Dick Head! Am I ever going to get this score right?”
[Press Pool Offices]
Mark Lawrence sits in his big executive chair in the Press Pool offices.
[ML] What was all that "Outside" nonsense at the last Cyder Cup?
[KW] Who cares. You asked me that yesterday and you'’ll ask me that again tomorrow. You want something less “out there” in my report. Princess Merida likes your Dickens Cyder. You should change your name to “igolfokme”. Is that it? See you later on the course.
[Interview Room]
TimB and PaulD enter for the Messengers, closely followed by Leon and PaulM for the Assassins.
[KW] You four again. Go Assassins. Taffman Paul, peidiwch â thynnu sylw'r defaid.
PaulD punches me in the face, knocks me out and they all walk out.
After I come too, I head out to the course for my own match … with those same players again. Still woozy from the punch, I play like a donkey and we lose by a country mile. But I’ll let someone else tell the full story.
[Interview Room]
[KW] Leon, Paul. Another easy win for you today. This time 5&4.
[LA] Another? This is our first match, Ken. Anyway, Paul and I raced to an early lead to be 3 up by the 6th.
[KW] What happened Tim? Did you struggle to communicate with the Taffman? Did he get distracted by those sheep?.
[TB] No. Paul was so enraged after punching you that he started talking English. We worked great as a team.
[KW] So what happened then?
[TB] I think Paul might have broken his finger giving you that shiner. He couldn’t hold the club properly and we could not get back into it.
[KW] Let’s head to the bar, while I can still see out of this eye.
[Restaurant & Bar]
After the matches end, the Crew make their way to the restaurant and bar for the evening's festivities. I choose the roast pork for dinner and drink way too many Dickens Cyders to ease the throbbing in my head. I’m plastered and need to be carried back to my room. I blurrily see Princess Merida who is all over Les, the Disney Princess-magnet.
Les is smiling knowingly.
[My Hotel Room]
I get carried to my room and put in my shower. After sobering up I continue my match report adding the Assassin’s 5&4 win.
"You better be the right score this time."
I fill out my room service breakfast order of porridge and orange juice. I crash.
Zzzzzz!
I’m naked on the roof of a moving train.
“Why am I always naked?”
I can hear Adele singing,
“Let the SkyBlue Ben Fall”
Ben in his Coventry City kit appears next to me.
“At least you’re not Art this time”
“I’m standing in for him. That’s not what happened. Do it again ….”
At that moment the train crosses a bridge over a ravine, Ben pushes me off and I fall into the river below …
Chapter 5 {Rock Bottom}
BEEP, BEEP, BEEP
I shut off the alarm.
“Eggs Benedict and a Skinny Latte again”
[Dick H] My name is Richard Head and welcome to the livestream of Day One of Cyder Cup VII, sponsored by Dickens Cyder …
I feel hungover and my eye is feeling swollen from the punch from Paul.
“I've had enough. I’m going back to bed”
I don’t bother turning up for anything.
Poor old Mark has to take on Justin & PaulB without me. I’ll let someone else explain how the scoring works when that happens.
I lay in bed all day watching TV, alternating between the golf and the porn. After emptying the mini-bar of all the food and alcohol, I continue my match report. By the way, the livestream said Tim & PaulD of the Messengers won 4&2.
"As if that's going to be right."
I fill out my room service breakfast order of porridge and orange juice again, desperate for something healthy for breakfast that's not eggs or coffee. I go to sleep, expecting the inevitable.
Zzzzzz!
I’m naked in the grounds of a monastery that sits atop a high outcrop. I’m admiring the view.
“Naked again?”
I can hear Sheena Easton singing,
“Only for you, For your Art only”
Art appears in a gold hooded monk’s cloak.
“You’re back again, Art. Let me guess. That’s not what happened. Do it again ….”
Art nods, picks me up and throws me over the parapet and I fall down the cliff side to the ground below …
Chapter 6 {Focus}
BEEP, BEEP, BEEP
I shut off the alarm. It’s Eggs Benedict and a Skinny Latte again.
[Dick H] My name is Richard Head and welcome to the livestream of Day One of Cyder Cup VII, sponsored by Dickens Cyder …
“OK, if I’m ever to get out of this day I need to get this match report right. Focus-time!”
[Press Pool Offices]
Mark Lawrence sits in his big executive chair in the Press Pool offices.
[ML] Ken, get in my office now.
I enter.
[ML] It looks like you’ve had a black-eye.
[KW] Long-story.
[ML] Can’t be any longer than that "Outside" nonsense at the last Cyder Cup. What was that about?
[KW] Just a bit of fun to screw with everyone’s head. It was great wasn’t it?
[ML] No. Give me something a bit less out there this time.
[KW] I’m not sure I can do that. Is another plagiarised novella OK?
[ML] Why not. Just bring it to me in the morning.
[KW] I see Dickens Cyder are the sponsors again and Princess Merida is the MC?
[ML] Les is going to enjoy having his caber tossed by her.
[KW] That used to be my joke.
[ML] What?
[KW] Good luck for our match today.
[ML] Thanks. Now get out to the pre-match interview and do your job.
[Interview Room]
TimB and PaulD enter for the Messengers, closely followed by Leon and PaulM for the Assassins.
[KW] Welcome Gents. How do you think this match will go?
[PD] Os gall Tim gadw oddi ar y chwyn, gall y cawn gyfle.
[KW] I still don’t have a clue what that means. Tim?
[TB] If I can figure out what The Taffman is talking about, we might stand a chance.
[KW] Paul, as my previous Strikers vice-captain and fellow Assassin, I hope you and Leon can win. Do you think you can take the win?
[PM] If I can bring out Leon’s inner tiger, then I think we can edge this one.
[KW] Thanks Gents. It’s time for you to head out to the first tee. Good luck. Go Assassins. I’ll see you again after your match for a post-match interview
After the pre-match interview, I head out to the course to join Mark for our match against Justin and PaulB. As in previous Day Ones, I’ll let someone else tell you how that went.
[Interview Room]
I welcome the players as they return for their post-match interview.
[KW] What a cracking match gents. Leon, you and Paul started strong?
[LA] Paul and I raced to an early lead to be 3 up by the 5th but they came back hard.
[KW] They certainly did. Tim, you went from being 3 down on the 6th to 1 up by the 10th. What happened?
[TB] I opened Google Translate on my phone on the 7th tee and I could finally understand what Paul was telling me.
[KW] And then your battery died and you could no longer understand Paul?
[TB] How did you know?
[KW] I’m observant. PaulM, you went from 1 down to 1 up on the 13th with five holes to play but you couldn’t finish it off.
[PM] It was a battle royale over those last five holes.
[KW] I saw Ross came out with another phone, some poutine for Tim and some leek soup for Paul and that gave them the boost they needed.
[PM] Indeed. We fell at the final hurdle.
[KW] Tim & Paul won the 16th to get back to all square and then snuck the win on the 18th to take the match 1 Up.
[PB] Roedd yn un agos.
[KW] What did he say?
[TB] He said, “It was a close one.”
[KW] Congratulations on the win for the Messengers. Let’s head to the bar.
[Restaurant & Bar]
After the matches end, the Crew make their way to the restaurant and bar for the evening's festivities. I choose the roast beef for dinner and stick with the water so I can keep a clear head. As I leave to return to my room, I pass Princess Merida who is all over Les, the Disney Princess-magnet.
"I don’t know what those Disney Princesses see in you Les, but once you get some Dickens Cyder they love you."
Les smiles knowingly.
[My Hotel Room]
I retire to my room and continue this match report with the Messengers 1 Up win.
"That one felt like it might be right. I bl00dy hope so."
I fill out my room service breakfast order of porridge and orange juice. I head to bed and fall asleep, hoping this ordeal might finally end.
Zzzzzz!
I’m lying naked in a life raft but this time a sexy Asian lady, also naked, lies next to me.
I can hear Sheryl Crow singing,
“I see it in your eyes, Tomorrow never dies”
I turn to my companion
"I much prefer you to Art. Let’s stay under cover”
She rolls towards me and straddles me …
Chapter 7: {A New Day?}
BEEP, BEEP, BEEP
I shut off the alarm.
“I didn’t need that dream to end … but at least no Art or Ben. Maybe I finally got the score right?”
I race to retrieve my room services.
“Porridge and an orange juice. Surely not?”
I turn on the course hotel room TV.
[Dick H] My name is Richard Head and welcome to the livestream of Day Two of Cyder Cup VII, sponsored by Dickens Cyder. It was an exciting first day yesterday …”
“Thank you Dickie. You little ripper”
I savour my breakfast then shower and dress before racing to the press pool offices.
[Press Pool Offices]
Mark Lawrence sits in his big executive chair in the Press Pool offices. I burst into his office.
[KW] It’s finally Day Two.
[ML] Calm down. Of course it is. Why are you so excited?
[KW] I’ve been reliving Day One over and over trying to get my report right. Look at this monster report, just to get the right score that the Messengers beat the Assassins 1 Up.
I hand over this report and Mark reads.
[ML] You know the Messengers didn’t beat the Assassins.
[KW] What?
[ML] You got the score right in the first report in your Chapter 1. Everything is right in that one. Except you didn’t have beef curry for dinner. You had roast beef.
[KW] What? So Tim and PaulD finished All Square with Leon and PaulM.
[ML] Yes
[KW] So did I dream all the other days in my Chapters 2 to 6, just because I had the wrong dinner in the report?
[ML] Looks like it. Way to turn a short report into a long one.
[KW] Hang on. If all the repeats were just a dream and didn’t happen, how did I manage to write about them all in my report?
THE END
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Post by SkyBlueBen on Apr 10, 2023 4:37:38 GMT -5
Good God coggin66I won't be able to sleep tonight with some of those visions (though I did turn the sound off when Adele started wailing!)
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Post by bubbsboy100. on Apr 10, 2023 4:42:06 GMT -5
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Post by coggin66 on Apr 10, 2023 4:53:55 GMT -5
SPOILERS! Here is the scorecard that goes with my report.
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Post by Art Vandelay on Apr 10, 2023 5:26:40 GMT -5
That was epic Ken coggin66 and good to know my wardrobe is more expansive in the writeups than in this game. Onward!
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Post by trevormendez on Apr 10, 2023 5:32:46 GMT -5
SPOILERS! Here is the scorecard that goes with my report. But what did you have for dinner?
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Post by SkyBlueBen on Apr 10, 2023 5:35:45 GMT -5
That was epic Ken coggin66 and good to know my wardrobe is more expansive in the writeups than in this game. Onward! Or in real life… 🤣 At least he kept the budgie smugglers quiet 😉
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Post by SkyBlueBen on Apr 10, 2023 5:42:19 GMT -5
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Post by bubbsboy100. on Apr 10, 2023 5:42:30 GMT -5
Couple nice tight games up to now.
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Post by asyoudo64 on Apr 10, 2023 6:44:36 GMT -5
Good God coggin66I won't be able to sleep tonight with some of those visions (though I did turn the sound off when Adele started wailing!) Incredible effort Ken. Prefer a few of your dream results, but we will take our first points. Great half Tim and Paul D. Mercury Messengers 4thisweek 🥃
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Post by asyoudo64 on Apr 10, 2023 6:46:26 GMT -5
HERE WE GO HERE WE GO HERE WE GO!!! The mighty Mercury "We're a Liquid at Room Temperature" Messengers and the awesome Aspall "We Put the Ass-Ass in" Assassins
Herein starts the 7th Brew Crew Cyder Cup at Jacquard Causeway
Day 1 Match 3 features Jason Dowey crushtastic and Paul Bradford sid snott for the Messengers squaring off against Martin Law Mart_1980 and Mark Buenger mbuenger for the Assassins - let's have a look in.
<crickets>
Hmmm... after careful consideration, and deep exploration into world geography on causeways, it was discovered that Jacquard is not a real place, does not have a road over a large body of water, and is not at all a type of fabric that utilizes colored threads in place of dyes.
No, dear (bored) reader, Jacquard Causeway is a song by a Canadian band called Boards of Canada. F***in' fantastic.
Having already dropped the ball on this report, I called upon our own in-house Canadian, Andre Quenneville, aka Crazy Canuck. Unfortuately, Andre refused to take my calls, and threatened me with unnecessary legal recourse. This left me no choice but to call on our lesser Canadian, Tim TimB . Tim, what is your impression of this week's course, Jacquard Causeway?
TB: Those wanks? Wouldn't play them if they were the last synth band on Earth. Truth be told, I haven't been the same since Rush called it a day. I don't even know what music is, which is more than I can say about Boards of Canada. And speaking of boards, this course, am I right? Not a single blade of green grass to be found. You'd think it was an underwater road.
Thanks, Tim, for your ever sharp insight. We look forward to hearing more from you as the week progresses.
In the meantime, Lawrence has realized that his first report of the week is nearly devoid of substance, which for him is par for the course. Fortunately, the contestants in this one played much better than my writing, and deserve a much better treatment, which I doubt will come, but promise to do better next time.
In the end, golf was played, and there was a clear winner. That would be the viewing public. What do you expect for free?
Ass Ass in Assassins over Freddy's Mercury 2&1 Brilliant start Mark. Great effort Mercuries. A long way to go. Have you got the scorecard for this match Mark?
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Post by Art Vandelay on Apr 10, 2023 7:11:05 GMT -5
Brilliant start Mark. Great effort Mercuries. A long way to go. Have you got the scorecard for this match Mark?
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