Foreword
This match report idea took on a life of its own and ended up being a bit longer than I expected. Please excuse my indulgence.
Also, as a player I was glad to see no crowds on the course. I'm not even sure where you would put them. However, as a reporter, I used some artistic licence and introduced a crowd that an event of this stature warrants.
Day 1 - Pairs - Total Score:
Les Sangster (lessangster ) & David Herron (portred ) v Chris Grzesik (Bear ) & Mark Lawrence (IGolfBad )GOLF LOG
Prologue
I am both Captain of the Strikers and a member of the BCCC Press Pool. I am also leading out the first pairing on Day One. I didn't think I'd have time to follow this match properly so I got one of my rookie recruits to give his account of his Day 1 match. Enjoy!
Chapter One:
My name is Chris Grzesik. They call me Bear, as in Grzzly Bear. This is the story of my first Cyder Cup match. This is my Golf Log.
When I joined The Brew Crew, I was expecting some weird sh%$. However, nothing like this. I'm standing amongst the gallery wearing a floral skirt and pastel pink summer blouse with a blonde wig watching myself come out to the first tee.
At just before 3pm the tannoy came on:
"My name is Snow White and I want to welcome you to the Season 7 Cyder Cup, sponsored by Dickens Cyder. When I’m with my dwarves, there is nothing I like hearing more than ‘let's get some Dickens Cyder’."
The crowd erupted in laughter. She continued unabashed:
"Heading up to the first tee, for the defending champions the Strongbow Strikers, we have Mark “The Ace Reporter” Lawrence and his rookie partner Chris “The Bear” Grzesik … at least I think that’s how you pronounce it.”
The crowd around me shouted their appreciation and I spotted the man in the gold lame suit shouting “Onwards Strikers”.
It was like I was having an out of body experience watching myself walk up to the tee in my sky blue Strikers team kit. It was another me standing there nervously alongside the ultra-relaxed "Ace" who’d seen it all before.
Snow White came back on the tannoy:
“And now, for the Magnar Monarchs, give a warm welcome to my two favourite XBox dwarves, Les “Grumpy” Sangster and David “Doc” Herron … I’m looking forward to treating them to a spit roast tonight if they win … did I say that out loud?”
The tannoy then started playing music and Les and David strode up to the tee singing along with the chanting Monarchs supporters, “Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it’s off to win we go …”
Les and David walked up to the tee and shook hands with Mark and my doppelganger. They exchanged some words that I couldn't make out but then I heard Mark say
"Leave him alone Grumpy. Let's get going shall we?"
Chapter Two:
I'd been told to keep ahead of the play to see where the tee shots would land; where the approach shots went; and how the putting played out. However I didn’t want to draw attention to myself so I waited for the first tee shots to be played. All four players smacked their drives into the fairway, but my alter ego had hit furthest.
I rushed ahead with the gallery to get to the green before the players could hit their second shots. David was using ladies clubs so he hit his approach first, but the ball buried itself in the green side bunker. Mark was next and his approach shot landed on the green but well away from the pin. Next up was Les. He hit a short iron which landed just in front of the pin, took two bounces and dropped into the hole. An eagle on the first! The Monarch fans around me erupted.
My “twin” took his shot next and stopped within six inches for what would be an easy tap-in birdie. David fluffed his bunker shot and was still only just on the fringe for three. His chip just missed the hole but left a gimme putt. Mark and my “twin” were in a huddle looking at the line for Mark’s putt. If he can hole this putt, the Strikers would go 1-Up … but it just shaves the hole. Mark, David and my “twin” all tap in and the first hole is halved.
The second hole is a short par 4 that is potentially reachable, so I hurry to the green side so I can watch. Les, David and Mark all opt not to use their drivers and play safe. My “twin” gets his driver out and tries to drive the green but pulls it into the rough away from the green. David and Mark hit their approaches into the green leaving themselves 20 footers for birdies. Les pitches his approach to within two feet. My “twin” tries a three-quarter flop shot but he leaves it way too short and he keeps the honour. His birdie attempt misses to the left and he taps in for par. David and Mark both take two putts to hole out. Les then knocks in his two footer for birdie and wins the hole. The Monarchs are 1-Up and their supporters start chanting “Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it’s off to win we go!”
Chapter Three:
By now, you are probably wondering why and how I am watching myself play. Maybe I should take you back to the real start of this story.
I was drafted to the Strikers last weekend and I soon joined the team training camp. For some reason it was being held in Mexico. They said something about the advantages of training at altitude but there was also a lot of mucking about in cars. On the first day of training, Captain Ken came up to me and whispered in my ear.
“After losing the first two Cyder Cups, we had to strike back. After all, we are The Strikers. Our previous captains developed a secret weapon. Soon you will be approached by a man in a gold lame suit. Listen very carefully to what he has to say.”
“Yes captain”, I responded quizzically.
The approach came while we waited for our flights from Mexico to Darkwater Barrens. The man in the gold lame suit came up to me and pulled me to one side.
“Listen carefully Bear. There is a battle coming. I’m going to give you a word and a gesture.”
He then made fists with both hands and then raised his middle fingers, giving me a double bird before crossing his middle fingers and at the same time saying “Golf Log”.
“What?” I responded with surprise.
He repeated the gesture and again said, “Golf log. It will get you into the right places, some of the wrong ones too.”
“OK” I replied hesitantly. Gold lame man continued:
“Get to the course in plenty of time and go straight to the bar. You’ll find a barman there who will be muttering “No Tempo” to himself. His codename is Bogeyman. Use the gesture and the word and he’ll help you from there. What he tells you might sound crazy but do everything he says.”
He went to walk away then paused and turned back to me.
"Oh, and remember to shave off all your body hair."
I stared bewildered as he turned and walked away.
Chapter Four:
Earlier today I arrived at the club for our afternoon tee-off. It was 2pm when I made my way to the bar, fully shaved and dressed in my sky blue Strikers team outfit that had been designed by someone on the team called Ben. As instructed, I sought out the barman that was muttering to himself.
“No tempo. Can’t do tempo. No tempo”
I coughed,
“Are you Bogeyman?”
“Might be” replied the barman with a broad Aussie accent
I gave him the crossed double bird gesture and whispered, “Golf Log”
His eyes lit up.
“You must be Bear. Quickly, come with me down to the cellar”
The Aussie led me down the steps to the cellar. The cellar was rectangular, about 12 metres long by 6 metres wide. We had entered the cellar in the corner. Across the width of the cellar, opposite us, was another door.
"That's a storeroom", said Bogeyman. "You'll go in there soon to get changed."
I looked to our right. At the far end was a giant barrel that filled the far end of the cellar. It was large enough to have two doors, one on either side of the room. Down the middle of the cellar lengthways, there was a shoulder high wall of kegs, cases of spirits, and other stock. Our steps side of the cellar was lit with blue lighting leading to the door in the barrel that was also painted blue with a blue light above it. The other side of the keg wall was lit green and the door in the barrel on that side was painted green with a green light above it.
"Now this will sound bizarre, Bear, but you are going to watch the match from the gallery. You are then going to travel backwards through time to the start of the match and then play the match already knowing what happened."
"You’re kidding me?"
"No, I'm not. That giant barrel at the end of the room is a time turnstile. When you go in it, it reverses your entropy and the direction you travel through time is reversed."
"What?!" I exclaimed, "That sounds like bullshit."
"It's not" continued Bogeyman "This blue side is for moving forward in time. That green side is for moving backwards in time."
"Is this a practical joke that you play on the rookies? Sounds like you were watching that movie Tenet and thought "That would be a fun trick to play on someone"."
"No, this is serious" insisted Bogeyman."In that movie, they used Red and Blue light for the different time directions. We weren't going to use Red." He spat on the floor in disgust. "That’s the Monarch's colours. We went with Blue for normal forward time and Green for when time runs backwards."
Convinced this was a big practical joke, I decided to humour him.
"I'm not sure I'm understanding what to do. That sounds impossible"
"Don’t think about it. You just have to feel it."
"That sounds like a conversation I've had with my wife", I joked.
"This isn't a joke", Bogeyman said seriously.
"Wait a minute", I said, "Couldn't I just wait until Les and David have played on their Xboxes, then get on my Xbox and watch their ghosts and know what they're going to do anyway?".
"That won't work, Bear. You're thinking like you're IRL. This is not IRL. This is TBC. It doesn't work like that in TBC. In TBC you are playing them in real time, turn based. You don't know what the result is going to be as you play. This is the only way we can know beforehand what they will score. Now stop wasting time. Let's get you changed"
He led me into the storeroom where he handed me a floral skirt, pastel pink blouse, some trainers and a blonde wig.
"Put these on. This will be your disguise while you are in the crowd."
"Seriously?"
"It also helps me tell the versions of you apart. Now hurry. Your future self will be back here soon.
Reluctantly I dressed in the women's clothes. Whoever picked them knew my size. They fitted perfectly. I was quickly wondering what Carol had got me into.
"You look great" said Bogeyman. "While you are dressed like this, I'm going to call you ‘Mama Bear’ so I can tell you apart. Now get to the first tee. Remember to keep ahead of the play to see where the tee shots land; where the approach shots go; and how the putting plays out. Now go."
I headed back up the cellar steps, convinced I was taking part in some elaborate hazing ritual for the new guy.
"After the match finishes, come straight back to me here”, Bogeyman shouted as I left the bar.
I headed to the first tee and joined the crowd waiting for the match to start.
Chapter Five:
It was just after 6pm when I hurried away from the gallery after the last hole. I'd watched the whole match. I knew everything that happened. I knew the result. Surely that wasn't me that had just played. The light was fading as I raced back towards the bar to get there before the players.
As I approached the clubhouse, I saw a guy in a Monarchs team outfit standing at the entrance to the bar. I'd have no choice but to walk past him.
"Hello, young lady", he said, creepily.
"Hi" I said in my best high-pitched impersonation of a woman. I kept my head down and avoided looking at him. But I could see his badge read "Captain Ashton Fox".
"sh%$" I thought to myself. "It's the Monarch's bl00dy Captain. What is he doing here?"
"You must be tired after watching that match. Would you like to sit and have a drink with me?". Out of the corner of my eye I could see him grinning salaciously.
"Sorry. In a hurry. Another time maybe" I squeeked, as I rushed past him into the bar and towards Bogeyman.
"Bogeyman. The Monarch's Captain is outside. What do I do now?".
"Hurry. Come with me to the cellar, Mama Bear. This is where the fun starts."
He led me back down to the cellar.
As I entered the room with Bogeyman, another Mama Bear dressed just like me came out of the store room where I'd been earlier, but this one was walking backwards. I stayed on the stairs side of the line of kegs. As I did, reverse Mama Bear walked backwards on the other side. It was like I was looking in a mirror, except it wasn't a mirror image.
“That's you in a few seconds.” Bogeyman said, “On your current timeline, that “green” Mama Bear appears to be going backwards, but in a moment it will be you going forwards and this current “blue” version of you will appear to be walking backwards out of the room with me. It's a head fcuk, isn't it? Walk towards the giant barrel at the end of the cellar. Make sure you enter your blue door just as the other version of you enters their green door. While you are in there your entropy will be reversed. When you come out of the green door, head into the store room. It’s 6:15pm now. Read the notice I put on the wall earlier. It contains your instructions. Stay in there until I knock on the door three times in three and half hours. Believe it or not it will be 2:45pm then, just before the match started. Rest up for the match and remember to get changed back into your team kit that you left in the store room earlier. Now hurry, go through the blue door."
I matched the speed of my reverse doppelganger and headed towards the blue door. Two steps from entering I heard reverse Mama Bear on the other side of the line of barrels say “yppirt si sihT”.
I responded “Good luck me” and entered the blue door.
Chapter Six:
No sooner had I entered the blue door, I was exiting the green door on the other side of the line of barrels.
“em kcul dooG” I heard my earlier self say as “blue” Mama Bear walked backwards out of the blue door.
“This is trippy” I said out loud.
I headed towards the store room to hide. My earlier self was now walking backwards towards Bogeyman. His previous explanation now reversed was sounding like gobbledy-gook. Bogeyman and “blue” Mama Bear were heading backwards to the foot of the cellar steps as I entered the store room and closed the door.
The notice on the store room wall instructed me to change back into my sky blue Strikers outfit and leave the blouse, skirt and wig where I'd found it earlier. I did as instructed. The notice also told me that when I heard the three knocks on the door, I should wait 5 seconds and then leave the storeroom and re-enter the giant barrel by the green door. When I then left by the blue door, I would be reversed again so I would be travelling forwards in time. I would then make my way to the first tee waiting area ready to play. There was nothing else to do but rest and wait.
An hour or so passed. I didn't feel like I was travelling backwards through time. Was I really? I had to see it for myself. I opened the door a fraction, and caught the sight of Bogeyman placing a shot glass on the floor and then walking backwards up the cellar steps. I opened the door fully. The shot glass started spinning and then jumped into the air and bounced its way up the stairs, seemingly by itself.
“kcuF” I heard above in a strange Aussie accent.
I crept back up the cellar steps to the bar.
The music was sounding odd …
"... ti dnatsrednu dna yrt ecioV eht rouY"
I peered around the doorway. It looked weird. Customers were walking backwards to the bar with full beer mugs, giving their full glasses to Bogeyman. The beer was then going back into the taps and Bogeyman would put the empty beer glasses back on the shelf.
“This is too much for my little brain to handle” I thought to myself and I went back to the storeroom to wait out the rest of the time.
It felt like ages, but I eventually heard three knocks on the store room door. I counted to five before opening the door. At the bottom of the cellar stairs was Bogeyman and me dressed in sky blue, staring at me.
Bogeyman shouted what sounded like "Go". I walked to the green door and my doppelganger walked backwards to the blue door. He entered his side as I entered mine. I almost immediately emerged from the blue door and my earlier self walked backwards out of the green door. I went and stood next to Bogeyman, now opposite my earlier "green" Papa Bear.
"oG" shouted Bogeyman, and my earlier self walked backwards into the storeroom and closed the door. Bogeyman waited five seconds and then knocked on the storeroom door three times. He turned to me and ushered me up the cellar steps.
"Welcome back Papa Bear. Don't tell me the result. It will only wreck all the work I've done with Gamblers Anonymous. Now get yourself to the first tee and use that knowledge to crush those Monarchs."
Chapter Seven
I entered the waiting area and approached my playing partner Mark. He gave me the double-bird and crossed his middle fingers and whispered "Golf log".
I repeated the gesture back to him and said "Golf log to you too".
He grinned. "Call me Ace. Don’t tell me if we win. Just use your knowledge to help us out"
"Have you done it, Ace?" I asked.
"Regularly" said Mark " How do you think I do all my press reports? I watch one match, then reverse entropy and watch a second one."
A steward entered the area and instructed us to make our way to the first tee.
As we walked towards the first tee, Snow White came over the tannoy:
" My name is Snow White …"
The crowd laughed. The sense of deja vu sent a shiver down my spine.
"Heading up to the first tee, for the defending champions the Strongbow Strikers, we have Mark “The Ace Reporter” Lawrence and his rookie partner Chris “The Bear” Grzesik … at least I think that’s how you pronounce it.”
Mark turned to me and said "Let's go get 'em, Bear"
We walked up to the tee. I heard the shout of "Onward Strikers" again. I felt as nervous as I’d ever felt before a round. Mark tried to ease my nerves
"Relax. You know exactly what's going to happen"
I heard Snow White on the tannoy again announcing the Monarchs players, Les & David. The 'Heigh-Ho" music and chanting started and I felt faint. Was this really happening? I looked towards the gallery to see if I could see Mama Bear. There I was in the crowd with the blonde wig and pastel pink blouse looking stunned. For me, history was repeating.
Les and David walked up to the tee and we all shook hands. As Les shook my hand, he grumpily said to me in his thick northern English accent,
"You look like you've seen a ghost. Your nerves getting to yer already?".
"Something like that" I replied.
"Leave him alone Grumpy" said Mark loudly "Let's get going shall we?"
Chapter Eight
I was on the 1st hole fairway about to take my second shot. Les had just holed out for eagle and the Monarch’s supporters had gone wild, just like I’d seen from the gallery. If I was really playing as I’d seen earlier as “Mama Bear”, I knew David was going to bogey and Mark was going to par. I just had to hit it close to get a birdie. I hit it perfectly, and the ball stopped six inches from the pin. This was really happening again.
At the green I tried to help Mark with his line.
“It doesn’t matter, does it?”, he asked.
I shook my head. “You're going to take two putts for par”. And he did, and we halved the hole as before.
On the second hole, the other three took 3 woods off the tee and played safely into the fairway. I whispered to Mark, “Ace, I know Les will birdie this one and likely win the hole. When I watched earlier I played driver and ended up in the rough. Should I play something else?”
“No!”, he insisted, “Don’t change what you did when you were watching. You are playing the clubs you think necessary to beat their scores based on what you know them and I will score. If you try to do something different, our TBC reality may crash. I know it feels weird, but remember, don’t think about it, you just have to feel it. What you watched as a spectator, will happen if you just go with it.”
“OK, if you say so”.
I took out my driver but I hit it fast into the rough away from the green. I tried to hit a flop shot for my approach to get it close but my nerves caused me to only hit a partial flop and I left it way too short. My birdie attempt missed to the left and I tapped in for par. David and Mark both took two putts to hole out and, as I had spectated earlier, Les knocked in his two footer for birdie and won the hole. The Monarchs were 1-Up and their supporters started chanting “Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it’s off to win we go!”
On the par 5 third hole, I knew Les & David were going to get birdies and Mark was going to get an eagle. I just needed a birdie to take the hole. I reached the green in two and like I’d seen earlier I sank my 30 foot putt for eagle. We’d levelled the match.
On the par 3 fourth hole, Les & Mark were going to par and David was going to bogey. I just needed a par to win the hole. I played a perfect tee shot to within four feet to the pin … and won it with a birdie, exactly as I’d seen before. We were ahead. The Strikers supporters went wild.
By the par 5, 5th hole, I was no longer thinking about how surreal this was. I was just feeling it. I needed birdie for us to win the hole but I knew I would pitch in for eagle from the fairway to go 2 Up.
On the par 4, 6th hole, I knew Mark was going to bogey and I would need an unlikely hole-out from the fairway. I knew it wasn’t going to happen and it didn’t. The Monarch’s pulled one back.
I birdied the par 4, 7th hole to counter Les’s birdie to get the expected halve and scrambled a par on the 8th to halve that one too.
At the par 4, 9th hole, I knew I only needed to get a par because Mark would hole a 20-footer for birdie while Les and David would only get pars. I played a glorious approach shot to 9-inches. While I waited at the green for the others to hole-out, I searched the crowd for ‘Mama Bear’. I spotted my earlier self and we exchanged nods to each other. I holed my birdie putt and we reached the turn 2 Up.
As we walked to the 10th tee, Les came up to Mark. “Ace, does your rookie mate have a twin sister?”
“Not that I know of. Why do you ask?”
“David was perving on the lasses in the crowd and saw a blonde that looked just like Bear.”
I stayed silent.
Mark tried to laugh it off, “She must have been one ugly chick if she looked like Bear.” He was trying to brush it off but he looked a bit rattled.
However, it explained why Mark was going to bogey the 10th. The Monarch’s both got birdies and I knew there was nothing I could do to save the hole. The Monarch’s got one back, but we were still 1 Up.
I knew we were going to win the monster par 5, 11th hole, but it was time to start playing some mind games too. I needed to give Mark some confidence that he was going to play well and also to unsettle the opposition. We all reached the green in three, with David and Les closer than us. Mark had a curling 15 footer for birdie. As we considered the line, I whispered to him “You’re going to get this one.” He grinned … and knocked it in for birdie. Les & I made our birdie putts, leaving David with a 8-footer to halve.
“I think he is going to miss this left”, I said to Mark, loud enough for David to hear. And he did. We were back to 2 Up.
As we stood on the short par 3 12th hole, I said, “About time someone found the water on this course”, knowing full well that Les was going to do exactly that. We were now 3 Up.
I knew the par 5 13th would be uneventful with everyone getting halves. We were still 3 Up with five holes to play.
On the par 4 14th hole, Mark and I had played cart golf near each other in the fairway. “Relax, Ace. You are going to like your next one.”
His pitch shot took one bounce, hit the flagstick and dropped 2 inches away from the cup. We high-fived as the Strikers supporters erupted.
I knew Les was going to make a mess of his partial pitch and take a bogey. I played for my par to match David. And just like that we were Dormie 4.
The long par 4 15th was the stroke 1 hole. The hardest hole on the course. I knew both Monarchs were only going to par it. I just needed to settle Mark down as I knew the nerves were getting to him now. I hit the middle of the fairway but his tee shot went in the bunker. He recovered to about 20 yards short of the green. I pulled my approach shot and it finished about 30 feet from the flag, a bit closer than the two Monarchs.
As Mark and I approached his ball, the Strikers crowd were going crazy, sensing the victory. I could see “Mama Bear” watching anxiously in the crowd. Unlike this Papa Bear, “she” did not know what was going to happen.
“Splash it in, Ace”
“Really, I hate splashes”
“Trust me”, I said.
Two bounces and it went in. Mark leapt in the air with joy. Les & David spent ages over their birdie putts. But it didn’t matter, as I knew they would both shave the hole and miss, leaving themselves tap-in pars.
I lined up my 30 foot putt, knowing I could take three putts and still win the match. I smiled to myself, knowing I wouldn’t need them … and holed my long birdie putt to take the match.
The Strikers supporters were ecstatic. We had won my first BCCC match 5 & 3.
As Mark & I accepted the adulation of the crowd, I could see a lone figure in the distance in a floral skirt and pink blouse racing back to the clubhouse bar.
Chapter Nine
Mark came up to me in the bar after we'd changed.
"Well played Bear."
"Thanks Ace. Well played yourself"
"You sure you don't want to put the skirt and blouse back on, Mama Bear?"
"No thanks."
"Shame. Captain Fox has been pestering Bogeyman about the 'tasty bit of skirt' he saw Bogeyman taking into the cellar after the match"
We both laughed. I paused, then asked
"Why did I have to dress up as a woman?"
"Ah, yes" Mark laughed "Many reasons. It is harder for someone to recognise you as the same person. It is easier for Bogeyman to tell you all apart. But mostly because the man in the gold lame suit is a sick, twisted individual."
Mark burst out laughing again.
"Anyway" he continued, "Well played today. We thought you would be good enough to carry me today but a little extra information was not going to go astray. Now, one more thing."
"What?"
"Captain Ken wants you to write up your experiences today as your golf log and give it to him so he can submit this as his Day 1 match report for the BCCC"
"Doesn't that give away our secrets?"
"Maybe. Or maybe he'll just pass it off as a work of fiction."
"OK, I'll get to it"
So I did what Ace asked. This is my Golf Log.
Epilogue
Les and David were sitting disconsolate in the Monarchs dressing room, staring at the butterflies painted on the walls.
Captain Fox entered the room.
"Didn't you get it, Les?" he asked
"Sure did, Captain. The BCCC match reports appeared in my digestive biscuit tin, just like last time", said Les.
"They think they've got the upper hand with their new secret weapon." said Captain Fox, "How do they think we won the first two Cyder Cups?".
"It's so much easier getting the match reports sent back in time to us than all that reverse entropy nonsense", David said.
"I know" said Captain Fox, "Although some of those Ace Frehley stories in the first Cyder Cup didn't help us much".
"Is it true you even send the fixtures back to yourself and then just send them into Ben just before the deadline?" asked Les.
"You bet I do", laughed Captain Fox, "I don't want to put in more effort than I have to!"
"You wily old fox", said Les.
"It didn't help this time though", David said. "That new lad for the Strikers was just too good."
"Don’t worry, you did your best", said Ashton with a grin, "And cheer up, guys. I bumped into Snow White earlier and she told me, even though you lost, she will still let her favourite dwarves have their spit roast tonight"
THE END